Grandparents and xmas gifts. (bit long)

[Wigglesworth]

I am fairly sure that this has been done to death already but here goes.
On Friday I had a conversation with my Mum about how me and DH were going to get DS a little table and chairs for xmas. Fast forward to today and she has just rang me to say she has seen a little chair with a side rest (basically a table and chair really) which plays tunes and has crayons with it and wondered if she should get it for DS for xmas. I replied no because we were getting him a table and chairs for xmas. She then said yes but it's plays tunes and has crayons it's not for eating at to which I replied, it's kind of replicating what we are already going to buy him and we don't have room in the house for 2.
She then proceeded to let out a huge sigh and said oh well never mind, there isn't any point getting it for our house because you never come here and he would outgrow it (an emotional dig at me which happens alot). My Mum looks after DS one full day a week at our house (logistic reasons) and they see him twice a week more often than not. My Mum always has a dig about how we never go to their house, we don't live far away it's just we feel they see him more than enough and we both work full time and weekends is our family time.
This may not seem like a big deal but this kind of stuff happens often. We say we are going to get him something when he shows an interest in it and they beat us to it. It's just really annoying, it feels like they are stepping on our toes and a bit over bearing TBH. How do you deal with this and not come out looking like the bad guy?

i;d let them spend their money - and save yours.

in the end your mum is doing a lovely gesture.

there is no alpha female posturing here - you mentioned something and she saw something and got excited. so let her get excited.

i wish my kids has grandparents on either side of the family that did.

i understand that she is buying a pressie you wanted to buy, but so what? really in the great scheme of things, you have a fab mum who loves you and is seeking your approval to buy your son something and loves you very very much. let her buy things if it makes her happy, your son will always be yours

Yanbu. We just got a table and chairs for dd and she nearly exploded with excitement

i'm normally all for just being grateful for presents, but your mum should be happy not to get something you are planning to get or don't have room for.

Still, it is very good of her to mind your son one day a week. Seems harsh to decree the weekends (nuclear) 'family time' when your working week is made possible by her commitment to that family.

TBH - I donn't think you can, unless you are prepared to give in to the passive- agressive thing and do what she wants. She has good contact (good for you to!) so donn't worry about it too much. Or tell her to buy it for her house - let her have your son 1 Friday night a month till Sat Lunch time - have a date night and lie in - win -win maybe?

Ski - puts it ver well;)

How bizarre, save your money and let her buy it. It's the grandparent thing.

I hear what you are saying mrsjammi, but I never expect my Mum to mind my DS she quite forcefully offered to do it. By forcefully I mean she basically broke down in tears when I informed her that we were going to have DS in nursery when I returned to work. Before DS was born she made loads of commens about looking after him all the time when I go back to work before I had even had chance to think about it.
I reconsidered the arrangement and I thought it would be nice for them to have a full day together and so agreed with her that she would look after him one day a week. I am very grateful that she does this for us and my parents obviously adore him which is lovely (I know alot of GP's don't give a shite about their DGC's), it just feels a little over bearing sometimes and I find it difficult to deal with without hurting feelings.

Rule 1 - don't mention that you're going to be buying x for ds for Christmas.

Rule 2 - only mention stuff that you'd like her to buy.

Win, win!

Totally agree with mrsjammi.

Can your mum not have ds at her house when she looks after him? Not only would it be a good change of environment for him, it would also let her buy what she wants and can therefore keep it for her house.

I'm not the best judge of this as my mum died when dd was just 2.9yrs. She'd helped look after her when I went back to work and was a godsend. I often think of how much more fulfilled my dcs lives would be with their grandparents still her (dad died when dd was 4.8yrs).

Life really is too short.

Thank goodness she asked before buying it!

It is nice that she has taken onboard your ideas about what DS would like, but I must say, the playing tunes thing - and including crayons (?!) - sounds pretty awful. Such a toy (not a table any more) can't be eaten at (as admitted), might break, will require batteries, and no doubt costs a bomb (even more than a plain table, which I must confess I already feel is a waste of money - what's the coffee table for?! ). The singing table sounds like a lot of aggro for you (keeping it topped up with batteries, at the very least), not to mention (as well), sounding nasty, plasticky and something your DS will feel is babyish later. So it won't last long.

Maybe suggest that your mother buy the plain table instead? Both you and she will save your money and it will be a nice peace offering. I do understand the instinct to refuse ideas from someone who has put pressure on you in the past, but perhaps it's a good idea to start a discipline of thinking before you respond, in order to choose your battles, just as we all have to think about doing once our children hit the terrible twos!

Also, sorry to be negative about the plain table. I'm just tight , anti-clutter and anti excessive battery-requiring equipment.

Could she come and collect him and that take him back to hers and then you go there for tea that day of the week?

Would that be a compromise/something she would like?

Perhaps you could see her every otherish weekend for half a day at hers?

I have kind of the same situation with ds's grandma. She asked if she could buy him a ride on, to which I said that it was a very kind thought but I was saving for one for him, and other people in the family had already sent money towards it as their gift (tis a wheelybug so not cheap). She then said 'Oh go on, let me buy him a ride on' We live in a teeny flat and just do not have the need for two. It's not that I don't appreciate the thought, I'm actually pleased that she has ideas for his present as she barely sees him, but I now feel very mean for saying no, and for not suggesting something else- he is 17 months he really doesn't need a lot so I can't think of anything to suggest. Ho hum

Am I the only one who wonders what the point of a child size table and chair is?

i totally agree with the "let them buy it and save youself money" comments, but sometimes it is lovely when you have these ideas of what you would like to buy and watch their little faces light up when they see it, rather than someone else taking your idea.

Can you not suggest something else for them to buy, as opposed to "no i'm getting that" and not offer other ideas?

diddl I don't know about anyone else but our DD has a little table and chairs because we live in a 3 storey house and we generally eat upstairs in the livingroom (dog is down in kitchen and a PITA at mealtimes). DD eats at her table.

She also uses the table for drawing, jigsaws, that sort of thing.

What is the point of child-size anything?

Because children enjoy them and use them. WTF else?

Let her get it, I have long since given up trying to curb my mothers love of getting my 2 boys stuff.

They are her only grand children and it makes her happy.

So far for this Christmas she has got them the Beatles rock band thing for the PS3 (lovely drumming Christmas I guess) cameras, books, DS games, PS3 games, cameras and has no intention of stopping.

What ever DH1 and I get them will seem small, but it makes her happy and we are used to being up-staged by her gifts.

Life's too short to sweat the small stuff, and in the grand sceam of things this is the small stuff

OP- Go and visit your mum at the weekend sometimes.