to be wary of 'supernanny' visit at Christmas?

[dorisbonkers]

After a few years living abroad I'm looking forward to a family Christmas with my mother, grandfather, husband and 13-month old daughter (capsule family!)

My 98-year old grandfather has had a girlfriend for many years and is bringing her out in the open (she used to be a nanny to my uncle's kids).

But she's supernanny. Ex-Norland, spent most of her career fixing people's problems and is of the old-school 'rod for your back' mould.

Except we co-sleep. Continue to breastfeed on demand (and she charmingly shouts 'tit!' I don't have a pram. We do BLW and it's messy. I don't do praise/reward.

Now, I'm not a dogmatic person and I don't call myself an AP (although I do what they do) and avoid getting drawn into tedious arguments about why I do what I do. I've been diplomatic with my mother, who's constantly on my case about feeding to sleep and in general I just quietly get on with what we do.

But three days of meals, naps and sleeping is obviously going to bring all this in sharp relief and I'm dreading any possible argy bargy over it. I can picture it now

I've got an open mind and she might have some great advice. But when you've not slept anything like properly for more than a year and everyone seems to be on your case to do CC it's easy to get defensive. All I want to do is spend a nice time with my family, and we've had some tragedies over the years, and we've been abroad, so it's important to me.

I am lucky to be spending the time with family, so I'm not getting all bent out of shape about this, but yes, slightly apprehensive there will be awkward moments...

See, you say she "wants to help" - so she is probably thinking you are co-sleeping out of necessity, but hating it, and thinking you just don't know how to end it - so if she brings it up you could always say something like "Actually we're quite happy co-sleeping at the moment, but thanks for offering." She might make some comment about how you'll still have her in your bed when she's 5 or something (My MIL's favourite ) - but I always go on and on in evangelical tones about the internet and what a fantastic resource it is and if you are worried about something, you can speak to lots of parents who have done it before you and see how it panned out - and I was honest and said I'd found in discussions of co-sleeping, there were two main ways of ending it, one is to end it before a year because sleep habits form the most strongly at about age 1, the other is to wait until they are big enough for their own bed and let the novelty of a "big girl's bed/room" help the transition. Of course they might still be horrified that you are planning to still be co-sleeping with a 2-3 year old, but at least they won't have visions of a teenager sprawled in bed with his mum and dad!!

usamama, I'm not sure what the "official" stance is on praise but from a few discussions online I found this approach - to wait for the child's reaction, and if they are pleased/proud, then join in with the general "Yay you did it!" kind of celebrations, but not just saying "Wow, well done, you put the shape in the hole! Hooray!" for every single shape they put into the shape sorter.

Have you thought that she might have some good ideas ? I've got certain ideas about how I will parent DD when she arrives (BLW, EC, BF on demand - basically AP) but I'm not averse to the thought that other peoples' methods might work better.

Just because she's old shouldn't be a reason to write her off that she won't have any helpful advice.

Oh slight hijack, sorry, Fibilou - I wanted to do EC too Nice to find someone else who has heard of it! It didn't work at all for us but I found the ECUK yahoo group really helpful, if there are any potty meets near you they are great as well (my local one wasn't local enough to go to regularly) - I have to say though, even though it didn't work for us and I ended up going the opposite way (disposables) it made me a lot more relaxed about letting DS run around nappyless and I will use EC/child led techniques when I do potty train.

Also the OP did say she was open to the advice but she was worried that she would be advised to do CC and since her mum advises this as well it probably just feels like a lot of pressure.

My godmother is ex Norland etc. BUT has never interfered.
You might find her offer to help is to give her breakfast while you get to lie in !!! As that is the sort of help that my godmother would offer.

Besides she will know that Christmas with visitors is a bad time to try out any new routines or changes to sleep patterns

Thanks, just seen the other replies.

On balance, yes, I think I am being a bit unreasonable. To a) prejudge her behaviour, and b) mistrust her motives and c) expect she doesn't have manners.

Neither one a particularly positive attitude!

So thanks, and have a good break yourselves.

A difficult one, because you don't want to your sleeping and other arrangements to become the family Christmas project, and it does sound a bit like other members of your family might be counting on her to 'sort out' your supposed problems.

However, assuming you are happy with your sleeping, feeding and parenting decisions I'd be inclined to show (or feign) great interest in any suggestion she makes, whilst making it very clear that you are happy with your current arrangements. Something like "wow, sleeping through the night at two weeks old you say? [Look of feigned admiration] How very impressive! Gosh, if we weren't as completely and utterly happy as we are with our current sleeping arrangements I'd get you to tell me more". Then when pressed... "it sounds so fascinating, but we really wouldn't change anything about our current arrangement for the world. We just couldn't imagine waking up without LO beside us, and of course those years are over so fast anyway. I shall be telling all my friends though!"

And so on. The older generations really don't get sarcasm like we do...

Thanks for the clarification, Bertie...I was feeling a bit sad there, for a minute, that the poor kids weren't getting any praise!! LOL...but your explanation makes perfect sense.

lucasmama08, the older generations get sarcasm just as sharply if not more so than we do.they are old, not stupid.

However, generally they have the life experience to realise that sarcasm does no, in fact, get you anywhere, and have grown out of either using or reaction to it.

colditz, gosh, well that's me told off I suppose. Took my very racist great aunt out for lunch today and by 2.30pm sarcasm was the only thing keeping me from pouring boiling tea over myself just to get an exit. Not terribly sophisticated I suppose, but then not all older people fall into the Wizened Elder category. Or not in my family at least

I just don't like it when people lampoon 'the older generation' in a way that would not be acceptable with any other social group. They are human beings with human flaws and human kindnesses and deserve to be treated as the individual people they are, not just as "olds".

Clearly it was a poorly chosen comment and I am genuinely very, very sorry it has hit such a nerve with you. I meant it to be taken as lighthearted over-exaggeration and certainly never meant it to be taken seriously or hurt anyone's feelings.

PS. Sorry for hijacking your thread dorisbonkers I promise to preview, preview, preview before I post in future!

Good advice about not moaning - that just opens the door for well-meaning advice about what to do. Also, I never argue with people because really they will never change their mind they just want you to agree that what they did was right. So I listen, I thank them and then I go on doing what I think is best. Works a treat (it was a top tip from my FIL!). Having said that, if their advice sounds reasonable then I happily try it, I don't let pride get in my way.

Plus, she may have good advice - don't assume the worst.

Won't she be too nervous about coming for Christmas with your family after being your uncle's nanny to worry about criticising your parenting? Maybe she's on oldergenerationsnet now asking 'AIBU to worry about spending xmas with DP's family?'

Anyway there's always some friction during a family Christmas, isn't there? At least you know what it's probably going to be and can prepare...

Firstly cant beleive your 98 year on Grandpa is still having it away

Lets hope that she is polite and mature enough to not come in and judge, I cant imagine many people being discoureous enought to do that

What I must ask though, is why do you think she would even judge you, there is NO NEED to be defensive about your partenting, you seem to be making yourself guilty, DONT!!!

But maybe deep down you are a bit unhappy about the sleepless nights etc, as why would it be an issue if you were not? Mothers give shite advice as we all know, but you never know she (Norland) might be have some wise words?

porcamiseria I can't scrub out the mental image!

I thought they, erm, well, you know, held hands or something.

She'll probably be too busy knocking back the sherry and highlighting programmes in the Radio Times to care where your baby sleeps!