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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In wanting to say something to the mother at the Sutton Grammar Test today....

25 replies

deaddei · 21/11/2009 19:28

...who was saying to someone on her mobile phone (very loudly) that she would be very disappointed if her ds didn't do well because of all the money they'd spent on tuition.
And the poor child is standing there within earshot.
My ds managed to cock it up completely- however it is not a school we want him to go to anyway, so no problem there. My ds got a big hug and high five afterwards....hope her son got that too.

OP posts:

Kaloki · 21/11/2009 19:29

Lovely woman! YANBU at all.

shallishanti · 21/11/2009 19:32

you think that's bad.
a few years ago I was informed by one of ds's friends at teatime, 'My Dad says if I don't get into X Grammar school I won't be his son anymore'
I laughed heartily and said 'what nonsense, Your dad must have been joking, ha ha'
'no he wasn't he meant it'

fortunately the boy did get in.

Ronaldinhio · 21/11/2009 19:34

don't really get it

you are from two completely different starting points and therefore two different end and expectation points on the test
probably was an underreaction to her..she'[s probably on poshnet saying "should i have mentionsed to mummy chav that her son Pinot was ruining the environment for Horatio during the Sutton Grammar today?"

what do I know though?

i am pissed but thoughtful like owl babies

ImSoNotTelling · 21/11/2009 19:36

Why did you put your son in for exam for a school that you don't want him to go to?

aoifesmama · 21/11/2009 19:49

As a teacher at a grammar school I have often had to take kids out of the exams in tears to call home, only for the parent to arrive and tell them to get straight back in to the exam hall!

Shineynewthings · 21/11/2009 19:50

Yeah, why did you put your son in for an exam for a school you don't want him to go to?

Original poster

deaddei · 21/11/2009 19:54

Good question I'mso.... we got sucked into the "these are the schools you apply for round here" scenario.
Sutton is a lovely school- however, since we put in for test, we've realised that the travelling would be a bugger (not to some, but for us) and also that ds really wants to go to local comp rather than high flying grammar.
And oi- Ronaldinho- never been called mummy chav before!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 21/11/2009 20:07

he sat exam for school you dont want him to attend?so presumably had he passed you would have declined?

your language suggests perhaps it did matter to you. or else why say "My ds managed to cock it up completely"

Ivykaty44 · 21/11/2009 20:09

why put your ds in for an exam at a school you do not like?

CybilLiberty · 21/11/2009 20:10

Can I ask a question

Why did you put him in for an exam to a school you did not like?

MillyR · 21/11/2009 20:12

Maybe the OP decided she didn't like the school or the potential parents after she found out that her son messed up the test.

MaggieBelle · 21/11/2009 20:14

lol at ronaldinho!

I understand the pressure, but obviously I would just bottle it all up and get a nervous breakdown, much more civilised, non?.

I remember my mum was driving me home from an entrance exam for a private school (different system in Ireland) and I said that one of the questions in General Knowledge was 'for what is Vivaldi famous?'. I told her "I hadn't a clue, so I guessed.

She said "good girl, what did you guess?".

Me "he makes icecream".

Mum "sigh".

I gave her a few more examples of where I'd 'cleverly' guessed the answers. I think she her dream of an exhibition (money off fees) going up in smoke. She managed to keep the car on the road and not ring anybody.

Ronaldinhio · 21/11/2009 20:22

i think things have all become beyond mental anyway

in my day if you were obviously bright you got a scholarship
now if yer ma sends you to a tutor and exams she doesn't even want you to pass you get a scholarship
in my day only the truly academic went to university
now everyone goes to university iq or application disregarded

it cheapens everything

ImSoNotTelling · 21/11/2009 20:39

I thought you might be like someone I know who is going to put her DCs in for trillions of exams "for the practice" the poor little sods.

Original poster

deaddei · 21/11/2009 21:30

No- I definitely am not like that person you know Imsonotelling!!!
The school is our 2nd choice after another grammar which is much more local. And if you read my post Ivy and Cybil- I do like the school!!!!
Scottishmummy- yes we would have declined the school in favour of our 3rd choice.
Not sure if any of you have been through secondary selection, but this is my first time and in hindsight I would have done things differently and possibly just gone with the local school. (a not outstanding school, which is not most parents first choice)
My point of the post was that to say in front of a child that they are a disappointment for not doing well is awful, and a reflection of the sad situation education has got itself into. It's when you are queuing round the block with hundreds of other parents to sign your boys into an exam, you wonder WTF is going on.That's a reality check,
Now Ronaldinho, I shall join you in getting pissed

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 21/11/2009 21:37

I am sorry - I didn't see the bit that said you liked the school and was asuming you didn't as you don't want your ds to go there - which to me seems strange if you then get your ds to sit exam to get inot school.

Yes have been through secondary and college and now doing again, its a minefield and no better the second time...

ImSoNotTelling · 21/11/2009 21:38

I am terrified about the whole thing deaddei. Not least because I am even thinking about it a little already, and DD is only 2. It's bloody ridiculous. Like mass hysteria, everyone else gets so worked up you can't help but start to wonder if you should too.

Good luck to your DS with his other exam and eventual school place

scottishmummy · 21/11/2009 21:43

is it private school exam?

domesticextremist · 21/11/2009 21:44

Sorry it didnt go so well deaddei - did you at least find a glass of wine though?

Will he be doing the tiffin exam as well? Good luck for that as well then [encouraging smile]

MollieO · 21/11/2009 21:47

It does seem odd to make your ds go through an exam for a school that you have absolutely no intention of sending him to. I cannot begin to understand why you would do that.

If I put ds in for an entrance exam and changed my mind before the day I would call and withdraw him. If that wasn't possible I wouldn't take him. What is the school going to do if you don't turn up for the test?

I reckon that your behaviour is equal to the parent on the phone.

Original poster

deaddei · 21/11/2009 21:49

domestic- yes, found allbar one- very nice service! (had 2 glasses)
Yes ds managed to miss out a question, then got to question 80 and realised he didn't have an answer thing left- so had to go and rub it all out from q17- which when you're 10 with 5 mins to go was a bit much!
Yes he'll be doing Tiffin along with the rest of them- at least he won't make that mistake again!!!
Got dd some nice things in New Look and took advantage of the Debs 20% off.
Thanks for your advice!!!

Scottishmummy- no it's a selective grammar.

OP posts:

Original poster

deaddei · 21/11/2009 22:00

Cool Molly -that's your opinion.
Thankyou Imso....you've got it in one.
You get so caught up in it...we have a ridiculous situation in SW London and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
DS is bright, has loved doing the tests- but it's in the last few weeks when you get sick of the whole damn thing and think- is he better off at local school. You want them to have the opportunity- but ultimately have to go with gut feeling. And that's a hard decision when everyone else thinks you're not doing the best for him.
Dh went to a very disruptive boys comp and has really wanted ds to go to a grammar...I have had some reservations from the beginning.
Yes he is sitting Tiffin which is a 10 min walk- he wants to try, and he is as good as the other 2000 boys.
I would say to anyone about to embark on this is really go with gut feeling-sod what others think1
Ds gone to bed having voted for Stacey...and we had a good laugh about today. Bet that other kid didn't have that

OP posts:

MollieO · 21/11/2009 22:08

If your ds enjoys doing tests then I suppose it is one way of spending a Saturday. I was caught by your comment 'My ds managed to cock it up completely' and thinking what that might have done for his self esteem.

Only you know what is best for your ds and sometimes it is hard to plough a different furrow from those around you.

Original poster

deaddei · 21/11/2009 22:16

Oh Mollie, that was something said on mn and certainly not in front of ds!
We have stayed very realaxed about all of this- he is a very realistic boy who knows he's bright, but knows there's a 1 in 15/20 chance of getting a place.
I know it does seem a bizarre thing to do , and as you say so eloquently, it's hard to go against what everyone else is doing.
I've told dh I've gone to bed, but think I'll peruse a few threads now....

OP posts:

eatsshootsleaves · 21/11/2009 22:16

Sigh! I can empathise with op and agree that it must be disheartening for the ds to hear his dm being so unsupportive if he failed.

I remember my brother being told that he was stupid by my mother when he had missed the pass mark by 1 mark for the Tiffin entrance exam . It has affected him for life as he plays everything down and doesn't believe in his own strengths.

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