to speak to the class teacher about dd's part being pulled out of the Christmas play?

[Plonker]

Ok, dd is gutted and I admit that this may be clouding my judgement, so I'm coming to the only place that I know I'll get an absolute straight answer!

Dd has been chose to play Mary in the Christmas Play - it is the first and only time she has ever been cast in one of the main roles. She is 9.

She had one line to say and one of only two solos in the whole play to sing - she was utterly ecstatic to be chosen!

She has practised every night, she sings it round the house, in the bath, in the garden and has told everyone that she's singing solo - she's so proud of herself.

So, now to get to the point, she's come home from school absolutely gutted. Her teacher has pulled her solo out of the play (although she still has one line to say). Her teacher told her that the reason is that the children who are singing chorus to her cannot do it properly

I think it's really out of order and totally unnecessary - it's a school play ffs, why can't she let dd have her 2 mins of fame?

I'm quite annoyed about it really - I want to go to speak to her teacher on Monday and explain that dd has worked so hard on this and is so upset that it's been pulled.

I don't know what I expect her to do ...actually I don't think she'll do anything, but I want her to know that I think it's unacceptable!

So, AIBU?

You can tell me ...I can take it ...

I have to nip out now, but I'll be back to reply later

upahill, I think you wil find that most teachers will welcome having something bought to their attention if it has overly upset a child and they will do something about it if they can, if they cannot they won't. However, if they were never told, they do not have any chance to do anything regardless of it being possible.

For all you know dd could have made out that it was no big deal to the teacher trying tobe "brave", alternatively she could have cried her heart out and the teacher is well aware of how she feels. Plonker won't know that unless she mentions it to the teacher will she? How do you know the teacher has made her decision and that is an end to it, unless you are the teacher?

As for your decision about how to handle your childs situation, well, that is totally your choice and may or may not be the most appropriate action depending on many many factors, however your decision is on your situation not the ops. You cannot say because I am doing X so should everyone else because that is right. Everyone and everything is dependant on other things and so is different.

Only read op. It's a team performance for the benefit of an audience, it's not all about your dd. That's my initial response.

The teachers have to rehearse this show every day for weeks. They can easily see what works and what doesn't. Leave it be, I say.

Sarahson...Well if there are so many factors to take into account it's pointless asking for an opinion then because we would be here all night with response from Plonker going 'Yes But...'
I do think many, not all, parents rush to their kids defence. How's any one supposed to build up resistance to disapointment if mum wants teacher to make it better. It's a nativity when all said and done.

Like said rough but tough!

I don't think that because I did such a thing it is right for everyone. I don't think my point was anymore valid than yours to be honest.
I was asked an opinion and it was an AIBU. That is my POV. And I was talking from recent expierence about disapointment and upset.

Plonker I hope your DD is OK and I don't mean to be hard. Enjoy the nativity and if you are allowed take lots of photos(I know some schools don't allow it anymore)Be proud she's teh star mine wee usually the back of a donkey or reindeer or something!

how is that harsh?! I'm just saying that sometimes we think things are more important to our children than they are. and 'kicking up a fuss' is my one handed, baby friendly short hand for any reaction from a quiet word to writing to the governors! I try to stay under the radar where possible at school - then i can complain if and when things go really wrong.

upahill, I ony responded to you because you directly challenged my post. You asked why.

As for tough love, I am a past master at it but I see no harm in having a conversation with a teacher. After all, that is actually part of their job, pastoral care, holistic approach, ECM and all that.

Incidentally why did you pick up on my post in particular? My response was far more middle of the road than others here...I am a little confused TBH.

Your post pissed me off, grumpy, because you made it about me for some reason

I do see what a lot of you saying - no, it's not the end of the world, and yes, she'll live.
I just feel sorry for her.
And yes, I know it's a big bad world out there and I know she'll face a lot more upset than just having her singing solo taken off her, but does that really mean I shouldn't feel for her, or question why it's been done?

I'm not one to kick up a fuss anyway (have been to see dd's teacher once in 6yrs and that was because dd was being bullied) so am not really the confrontational kind.

I'm just upset for dd. Thats all.

That all said, I asked AIBU and fully accept that I'm probably being a bit precious about it all

No Lockets, it's not "off to Bethlehem"

Sarahson.. I wasn't picking you out in particular. Probabably just because it was the nearest post to mine and I was feeling a bit grumpy. I still feel that some (but not all) parents want teachers to make everything ok for their kids without realising that life is sometimes full of harsh disapointments. I am fed up of seeing certain people within my social group running to the teachers when something doesn't go their or their childs way to feel a bit pissed off and want to say 'school bloody curriculm doesn't revolve round your child'
I know Plonker has been hit with a bombshell this evening and I feel sad for her because I know it ain't easy and your heart breaks for your child.

I wasn't for a second implying for a second that the way that I am dealing with DS1's disapointments is the way that Plonker should deal with her DS. It was just an insight to my expierence - she could take it or leave it - the same as any advice given on these pages.
I try to take the view that what we are worrying about will be of no consequence 12 months from now- we wil have a new set of challenges to deal with then.

(I'm dealing wiht mine now- Just got back from Manchester having spent £50 on tickets to see Slayer- stresssed out DH because we couldn't get parking, he had to finish work early losing busines and get a child minder in plus pay for a taxi for DS1 because he was at a neighbourhood meeting to find the gig cancelled!! BOOOO)

I think if the OP's daughter is upset about this and would like Mum to talk with the teacher about it, then it would not hurt to have a chat. However if she can be quite philosophical about it and is just happy to have the part at all, then maybe let it be. Presumably at least some of the kids in the chorus will have been practising equally as hard and may also be upset that this particular song has been pulled? I can't see a problem with communicating with the teachers, it doesn't need to be PFB or confrontational at all, but lets them know that you are interested in your child and the event in general.

Our primary always made sure that every child got some sort of involvement in the Christmas play, even if only sitting at the front of the stage in the chorus with a few actions. To me, that's what it should be about - everyone taking part in some way, I am assuming that no-one has been cut out of the play altogether?

I can see why you're upset for your DD but I don't think it's worth getting in a stew about it. The teacher has made her decision (for whatever reason) and you should accept it. These things happen. Don't make the teacher's job any harder than it is.

(disclaimer - I am NOT a teacher!)

I do feel sorry for your dd. I have organised lots of nativity plays, and I think this has been badly managed by the teacher tbh. Still these things do happen, I may have done equally ill thought out things in the past, especially when I started out. It might be helpful to have a quiet word with the teacher to find out what exactly has gone on, then you can help your dd enjoy to rest of her experience.

YABU she is still Mary ! You will sound really churlish if you go in and complain

I don't think it's unreasonable to be disappointed for your daughter.. but going in to complain probably won't change anything and will annoy you further, while giving dd the impression you will fight her battles for her. On the other hand, it would annoy me hugely that she has worked on it and had it removed because of some over-neurotic teacher who wants the 'perfect' nativity. It annoys me when people don't realise that everyone who goes to a nativity is only interested in seeing their own child - good, bad or indifferent - and the 'quality' of the performance is irrelevant?

I can still remember (but of course, now with a wry smile! ) the disappointment of being the only girl in the class chosen to be a clockwork mouse in a school play, when all the other girls were dolls. I was 6 at the time. However, just because a disappointment is memorable doesn't mean it is damaging

Perhaps you could talk to your DD about teamwork. Explain that the production is a 'team effort' and that in a team situation you have to put collective objective ie 'optimum' nativity before individual goal of singing solo

I haven't read all of the posts but I think you are being a little bu. It depends what you want to achieve by speaking to the teacher. Are you trying to convince her to change her mind? Because that's not fair to the teacher because she should be able to do her job without fear of reprisals from parents for every decision. Teachers dread having to give children news like that (well, I do, and if they don't they're in the wrong job), don't do it light-heartedly and will only change back again because they feel bullied into it. The only reason I would have removed your DD's solo would be if it just didn't fit or TBH if it was just a bit cringy and it's kinder to the child and audience not to include it(and the cringe factor will be worse if you force her to give this reason to you!). I'd suggest if it is that important, say to the teacher that you'd like to know how to explain to your daughter why it was cut because she didn't really understand and she's upset. If it is the case that she's been too precious about the play that will guilt her into changing back without getting her back up (or she's a silly cow ).

Leave the teachers alone to teach. Schools can barely move for the weight of parental interference. Their job is hard enough as it is without having to fend off every little darling's m&d whenever they think their dc has been slighted in some way.

School is where you go to learn about life. Your dd just learned that life is sometimes harsh and unfair. Think of it as character building.

If you go in she has learned that it's not fair for her to 'suffer' in any way and that you will always fly to her 'defence' when she has been 'wronged'.

And yes, I did read your post, I understand she is upset, I remember being a child in school plays, and I remember disappointments similar to what you describe. All just part of life, though, isn't it?

No harm in a chat with the teacher about how much she was looking forward to it/ had rehearsed though... surely?
It's not a crime to talk to the teacher (pleasantly) about things that your DCs care about within school.
It might not change the nativity but you may come out with a positive comment that you can relay to your DD.

Hi Plonker
How are you and DD? I know it was a bombshell for you and you had a lot of conflicting advice.
What did you decide?

Bloody 'ell, sorry YANBU. "Not good enough" FFS, who does she think she is? Simon Cowel? They are a bunch of 9 years olds, it's the law that it's gotta be crap not very good. Imagine how the choir kids feel knowing their singing isn't up to standard for a Nativity Play Definatly say something - you don't need to go in all guns blazing, but if the reason you have been given is correct that is beyond crap IMO.

can see both sides.On the one hand I have done lots and lots of am dram stuff (hence my username) and am flabbergasted at how precious some people get.

on the other hand have also seen a lot of X factor auditions where teenaged kids have embarassed themselves on national TV because they have been led to believe they can sing by friends and family.

Hi Upahill

First of all, thanks to everyone for your replies

Ok, I spoke to dd this morning (given the fact that she'd had all weekend to get over her disappointment) and asked her what she would like me to do - she asked me to leave it, because at least she still had a line to say. She said she felt really bad for 'X' because 'X' was in the chorus and now she has nothing to do.
I think that's really crap. I mean really, how does the teacher justify that? Whether the children are good or not is irrelevant, surely?

I still think the teacher is bang out of order, regardless of what anyone else says. But hey, as you say, it's a big bad world an' all that ...