To want to cut my mum ot of my life, but how can I when I love my dad to pieces?

[twinklingfairy]

To cut a long story short, mum asked DH to negotiate in the sale or her (now wrecked, thanks to bro, who ran it into the ground) car.
She and Dad told me whatthey wanted him to negotiate to, which was not much more than they had been offered. They said they didn't care.
As soon as he did it and got £50 more than they had initially been offered, she kicked off that ist was too little. I managed to talk her round and she was ok when I left her last night.
This am I called dad about something else. Next thing he is kicking of that DH got too little. I tried to talk to him and it ended in him telling me to 'get lost' and hanging up.
10mins later, mum is on the phone telling me to forget it DH has 'let them down in the past' so whatever.
Um, excuse me, ha has what? When?
'oh I don't want to get into specifics, he just has'
I got upset and said she couldn't say that. She said that I said it first, everytime I turn to her when DH and I argue, so why shouldn't she?
We basically hung up on one another.

half an hour later and Dad appears at my house, full of remorse for our argument.
We made up, but mum refused to enter my house.

I went to her at the car to ask her to forget any nastiness that had been said on both parts.
She flew off the handle, telling me I had no right to criticise her and that she had every right to say what she did.

God this is not a short story.
Suffice to say, I tried twice to smooth things over but she was having none of it.
I said the ball is in your court if you want to hold onto your anger.
She told me I needn't come to her anymore with my probs with DH, I said she was burning her bridges, thats when she said what I said in my previous post.

I am just so fed up with her nastiness recently.
It has been going on since DS birthday(Halloween) when she caused a massive argument between me and my sis.
She has just been so nasty to me
But no-one is ever to tell her that she is wrong, nor will she apologise.
But I will be expected to.

Poor dad though, was broken hearted by the whole thing.

It was a specific type of car that they had, one which my DH is a bit fanatical about.
We have always had this type of car and DH has had one since he was 17.
So we all felt that DH would get the best deal given that he knew the most about them.

But they were pressurising us.
Telling us one minute that they would be charged 'soon' for parking the car then that the pressure was less because they were not going to be charged until next week, then that they were being charged.

Initially DH was going to sell it on a specialised site he knows, and is a member of, but his contct did not want it.
To follow through DH needed a photo. This I was told when I was speaking to sis, so mentioned. She said she was going to mums so would ask.This was not good enough, I should have contacted mum straight.

Tuesday DH was being cross examined at work, 200 miles away, re a work tragedy. So had no access to computer. Was given the wrong number by mum so couldn't call them, though he tried, even though he was busy.
Was travelling home the next day when given the right number but could not call, nor put it on the web, obviously.
The minute he was given the boys mobile, he called him and struck a deal, though it was 930 at night and DH was knackered after his drive, and I had ran out the door almost the minute he arrived leaving him with the children, for a class.
But the complaint came from mum that things never get done when DH is asked to do them.
Eh?! wtf??
He did his bloody best!!

OK, lesson learnt for the day... they want something doing, they can do it themselves. Don't let your DH get embroiled in their stuff.

As for your mum, she is out of order, your dad has confimed this, but she herself won't see it.

As cold and detached as writing a letter would be, she sounds like she wouldn't give you the space or time to speak to her effectively, without interrupting and talking over you.

Perhaps write her a kind and lovin letter letter, pointing out that this really is not a big enough issue for all contact to be cut, for refusing to enter your house etc.

You can tell her that she is your mum, and you love her, but right now, with the things she has said to you and to your DH, the father of your Dc and her DGC, that you don't like her very much. But all it would take to remedy this is to not critisise and belittle the things you are doing to help them.

Perhaps point out that you both were only trying to help, but that it may be best that you will not be available for favours for a little while, perhaps until she learns to appreciate that you have always sought to do your best for her, and that some respect is due.

If she does the I love you but you're dim thing again, just take a deep breath, and as blithely as possible say to her, oh yes, that's right I'm so dim, you know Cambridge was full of dimbos... and just laugh. repeat until she realises she's not pressing on your buttons.

Take some space, give it all a rest for a little while, it's christmas in no time at all so I dare say it'll all resolve itself once everyone has calmed down.

She is annoying, but it's really not bad enough to deprive your DC of a grandma. My mum fell out with her parents; we never got to meet her dad, and although we met her mum, she's never been a grandmother to us.

My own mum realises that she made a mistake in cutting off contact. In time, you would too.

They live 5-10 mins away, but no, my mum never comes to me.
I always have to go to her.
She pulls the 'you don't have to if you don't want to (but I will take it personally if you don't) come and visit' game
Yes, again before DS, we were round there at least 3 days a week.
After toddlers or swimming etc.
Just any time I was in town I woudl go visit.

It has been cut down to 2 afternoons and never at the weekend now.

After christmas DD will go 3 days to Playgroup so it was just going to be 1 afternoon.

Anytime I have said come to me, she says she wants to be able to et on with things at her own house.
When she comes out here I have to have a major tidy and I mean impecable standards or you can see her stepping gingerly and sitting daintily.
Honestly I don't live in a pigsty. I have seen houses far worse than mine
I don't mean to say anything against others that is not my intention, but because of this pressure mine is mainly a lot better than most of my friends.
Just incase.
I love going to theirs! my friends.
It is so child friendly and happy.
I wish I could have my house like that but even DH gets in a tizz every now and again

oops I got off the point a bit there

I think much of this may be you thinking up reasons for why she's not coming to you, perhaps she DOES just like her own surroundings.

Live how you wish to live, adopt a take me as you find me, and relax. You'll never please her in your own mind.. it's gone too far for that now.

Please yourself, your DH your DC first, the rest can fit in with you. Be your own matriarch.

Wishing you all the best, don't let her get to you.

The worst nasty thing she came out with last week, when she was so cross at my bro for getting a parking fine on her car.

I was asking her to help me with the children a the pool. They both have lessons half an hour apart. Though they can be optional, they both just love them.
It would mean that an hour would be taken out of her day and spent at the poolside.
She said 'I have better things I can do with my time!'
'Than a spend an hour with your DGC?'
'The last time I was there, Twink, you and DD were the last ones in the pool whilst I was stuck there waiting and waiting for you to get out of the pool!'

DD had been having a Ball!! 3yrs old and swimming underwater, jumping in etc etc

She did come in the end that day but I rushed DD out, she had no time to play, or shower for that matter.
She was soooo upset and confused, but I just couldn't handle the anger that I knew I would get if we lingered.
The class is only 20 mins, just not enough for my waterbabe

I have better things to do with my time.
I still have not got over it, though I know her anger was given to me but directed at my bro.
She called him after I had left and gave him rocks cos she knew she was in the wrong.
This she did at least admit.
But what a horrid thing to say about your DCG

You may have a point but she does say to me that my house is awful and I should clean up everynight 'she did! and she had 4 of us!!'

At the end of the day it is about control.
We all have to go to her. by all I mean myself and my siblings too.

I want to be my own person with my own life !

Afte chritsmas it will be 1 afternoon a week, done deal.
But for now I need to get beyond this recent batch of nastiness from her.

I wish I could change the thread title.
Yu have all made me see that cutting ties is not reasonable at this juncture, but something has to change!!

Hmm, YANBU, definately not. I can totally understand you being mightily p-d off with that.

Keep your distance then, if she won't come to you and you have to go to her.... leave it then.

If she says anything, and I mean anything, perhaps give her a good dose of her own medicine back... I've got better things to do with my day'

I predict her jaw will hit the floor - then you say, Yes, really crappy thing to say wasn't it? I thought so too, when you said it to me. Hurts doesn't it?

You need a break from her, pure and simple. It's totally unacceptable to say things like that to you about your DC, and her DGC. In time she will see that.

I think one of the other posters here mentioned that those that want to sever all contact are those that live in each other's pockets. You are too close to her. I live 15 mins drive from my mum, and it's perfect. We chat, we meet up. But then again, she doesn't say stuff to me like your mum does. If she did, I'd certainly curtail my efforts to see her.

If you want your own life love, you have to take it for yourself. Be brave!

I am going to have to go and see my mum today.
I am busy all day tommorrow and it is her birthday on Monday.

What the eck am I going to say to her.
You treat me and my DH like idiots, please stop it!
You are using me to shout at because my brother has let you down, cut it out!

I am not sure that will cut the mustard

My sis is still embroiled in it all with my mum. She likes to play the game and has informed her fiance that he will do the same.
My mum says jump we are all to reply 'how high'
DH does not so he 'lets her down'
Dad says 'we all know what DH is like' ie unwillingly to help out.
Seems to me DH is damned if he does damned if he doesn't so he figures ah well, not doing is easier, cos I will be told I do it wrong/too slow/ not good enough anyway, so whats the point?

Mum is apparently trying to help us all, by getting in the middle. Even with arguments with DH and I.
Truth is, certainly with my siblings, she makes it worse.
And now, between DH and I, it was always being held for later so that she could throw it at DH when she was angry.

Argh! This is not helping.
I have to go and see her and play the game of isn't she so wise and clever and aren't I the idiot for ever doubting her.

Your mum is only happy when everyone is dancing to her tune. That's not right, and as much as she tries to make out that you are the fly in the ointment, you are NOT.

Don't say anything to her, don't bring it up, BUT, if she starts on you again, tell her to pack it in.

Stand up for yourself, stand up for your DH, and your DC.

Please understand that she is NOT trying to help, she is trying to control, and by staying in the middle, flying off the handle the minute any of you show independant thought.

DON'T play the game, you can't win, and the only result will be your own depleted self esteem.

Your mum seems to be addicted to drama, and when there isn't enough drama going on around her, she'll create it in others.

If MY mum caused so much as one arguement, or chucked something in that I'd told her in confidence, I'd lose it with her. And rightly so.

Take a break, if you have to wait for her to make some stupid comment and let it be the final straw that broke the camels back and flounce off, do it. she needs to be taught a lesson, and that is to keep the hell out of business that isn't hers.

My family sounds similar to yours, re your relationship with mom, dad and sister. My brother (eldest) is a decent guy, but has always worked away a lot from the time of his first job. His wife is a great person and had to put up with years of my mum (and my sister still) thinking she isn't good enough for him, yet my bro supported his work choice by living next door to mom, so SIL could be supported...SIL got to the point when she could take the interference in her household no more and my brother took a job abroad - they all emigrated! Now they just have her a couple of weeks a year and over the phone.
My sis lived in my road 10 mins walk from mom and in many ways is similar to mom, moans about her constantly, yet is her yapping dog. She & family also moved away. I gave up on her when she started to (really) collect Brownie points regarding mom's opinion. She is financially motivated too, and has an eye on her inheritance! Mom used to really pull my strings like a puppet, over the years I have realised that she does not feel and think like me, that she and my sis have psychopathic tendencies when stressed, and finally - that I can't change them. I will now never put up with them making comments or being unkind to my kids or husband. I don't give them fuel by complaining about them to mom or sis. I do nothing that relies on them. I used to be very stressed by it all, ping-ponging from one incident with one to another - occasionally my lovely dad would say a kind of sorry for mom. She never does. I had to stand back and look at the whole, which was painful, and decided that if they loved us, they wouldn't treat us the way they do. After that I had to grieve for what I had lost - an illusion of parental & sibling love. I keep emotional distance, pop round by perhaps a couple of times a month for about half an hour, the kids go round a couple of times a week after school for tea and my husband as and when they need big things moved. We invite them for a meal every few months, and now I don't get nasty comments re my housekeeping or cooking. I feel sorry that my kds don't have dotting GPs, people always think I am really lucky to live so close to the GPs - Ha!

I don't get all this "letting her down" stuff. You are an adult you can choose to live your life how you wish. If she chooses to feel let down by your choices that's up to her. Step back from the emotional stuff and don't let it get to you. Her feeling "let down" is her problem not yours.
Your brother was stupid to tell her of his speeding fine or whatever it was in the first place.
Act like adults and keep your personal stuff to yourselves instead of involving your parents in your stuff and they won't be able to comment.
I think visiting her before her birthday is nice, and if it's a birthday visit I wouldn't bring up the other stuff. just don't let yourself be wound up by her and leave if she starts being unpleasant.

So lessons learnt.
My mother is a control monster
I should never have allowed her power over DH and I by involving her in our arguments.
I can never confide in her without fear of it being used against me at some point in the future.
DH should just give up trying to please them(has done anyway)
In some was, yes, I will have to grow up and cut those ties.
I didn't realise it was not the way she wanted it. I thought she enjoyed our close relationship as much as I did

I was finally contacted today, by my dad (my mum is ill, not through any of this) to be told that she would easily talk to me but is not up to it today. It is a truce of sorts from her and I feel better for it.
But....
Dad tells me that I am to show more respect to her. That I am confiding in her too much and that the only one, of her 4 children, that is showing her due respect is sis.
Who does nothing but play her games and play them well.
Is that respect or just an illusion?

Basically where I thought my mother and I had a really good and close relationship. It was too close and she no longer wants it.
I am to be her daughter and not her friend.
Ok I can see that that is a valid point but it feels like a rejection all the same.
However, it does give me more freedom to back right off and live my own independant life.
My plan is to meet up with her, prob not until her birthday now, play nice and make my (sort of) apologies. Get the relationship back on an even keel and continue to back off as much as I possibly can.

Time will tell what will happen once she realises what I have done, because for long enough she will see it in her own eyes as her choice.
Once she has calmed down and starts to miss her DGD (note, not her DGS) I will have to figure out how Not to be pulled back in.

Isn't this what you wanted though? You started off wondering whether or not to cut ties with your mother, it turns out she feels the same way and also finds the relationship claustrophobic.
Are you just upset because you didn't get to reject her first?
You both sound like squabbling small children.
If she wants some space then give her it, it's what you wanted too remember?
Just back off and look for other social outlets and if you rely on your mum because you are lonely look at joining local activities or clubs to make friends.
It's easier to get distance from her if she's said she wants it too.
If you really want some distance between you and your mum this is a positive development, although I can understand you feeling rejected at the moment. Your dad isn't exactly supportive either, not sure why your mum gets all the stick as he sounds just as bad.
I'd just see them once a fortnight or so and do weekly phone calls for a while. You sound quite an emotional impulsive person, maybe like your mum, perhaps that's part of the problem.
Most things aren't really that important.

"Sakura before you go ranting at the people who are trying to help the op, why don't you try reading the thread properly duh. OP says as plain as the nose on your face"

Fair enough, But the reason I got annoyed is because the tone of a lot of replies gave me the feeling that people thought the OP was "just being silly". It irritated me because this is not always the case.

Thats a bit unfair 'did you want to reject her first' ouch.
But I see where you are coming from. I didn't realise that I was doing her nut in as much as she was mine.
And you are right, this was what I originally wanted. Though, towards the middle of the thread I did say that perhaps I had jumped the gun. I don't think it would be right to cut her out completely, but I do think that things as they are right now suits both parties.
As I said in my last post.
I will get things back to an even keel so that we are not parting on bad terms but I will back off.
My problem will come when she wants to regain her power again and I won't want to give it.
But that is a bridge to be crossed at a later date.

She will be cross with dad for telling me what he did.
She would not have divulged that much info, it gives me too much ground to stand on my own.
But that is just a shame for her.
I know where I stand and I have been given a chance to grab some independance back, which I really needed to do. I see that now.

Wow. Look at me I have grown

THat's great Twinklingfairy. I hope this is a happy ending for you. Just stand your ground whenever you feel you are being pushed into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. If you feel things are getting out of hand again, especially with regard to your children, please turn to someone, even mumsnet. Just trust your instincts.

I certainly do "project" my personal situation onto threads like this and I am biased. But to be fair, I think everyone who posts on a thread like this brings their own hang-ups to the table. I have found that the people who protest the most against someone who is unhappy with her mother are the very same people who have big problems in their own relationship with their mothers. In general , people who have great relationships with their mothers don't tend to post on threads like this, because they acknowledge that their might be something going on that they have no idea about, and can't possibly contemplate.
I found the comment about "my mother is dead and I miss her" particularly tasteless; as if a woman who has chosen to have no contact with her mother wouldn't think about something like that every day.
So I responded because the thread title prompted me to, having taken the awful step of cutting my mother out of my life myself.

there might be (!)

My mum is dead, I don't think the fact that someone will one day die is a reason to put up with abuse and manipulative behaviour though. After all the OP will one day die, does she want to spend her life having petty battles about nothing in particular because her mum likes an argument?
Mum and I always got on well, but then there was a 3 hour plus car journey betwwen us for the past 20 years.

twink - these things are not quickly resolved. Sounds like you mum & dad is in control again, as you are dancing to your parental tune - if you and DH have done nothing wrong - why are you apologising?

Would you treat your kids like this?

Sakura, if you mean my comment about my mum and wishing I could spend just one more day with her, then I stand by that, and perhaps the reason I said it is because I have a very dear friend who was estranged from her father for many years. It was over something that neither of them could rememner really, but she got back in touch with him about 5 weeks before he died. She bitterly regrets having made the decision to cut him out of her life, and would go back and change it if she could.

I'm not suggesting that if your parent is violent or abusive to you then you should maintain that contact no matter what, but that isn't the case with the OP is it?

Met my mum today, she came along to the fayre I had a stall at, we just smiled at one another and, when we had a moment when the rest of the family were gone, I just said 'give me a hug' and that we should just forget it all, not go over it, just move on.
I felt that that was as good as any way to deal with it.
Yes, Damascus maybe we are.
But as I have said, my plan was to get things on an even keel. If I had to play her games, all be it. As far as I was concerned it would be the last time. Because with calm restored, I can slip out of the picture, pleading too busy with the LOs schedule to be able to dash about to her house. She can come to me if she pleases but I am going to stop apologising of feeling bad about how my house is.
It is not her 'show home' but it is 'my' home.

Yappy

"I'm not suggesting that if your parent is violent or abusive to you then you should maintain that contact no matter what, but that isn't the case with the OP is it?"

Actually, if you'd have asked me one year before I cut my mother out whether she was abusive or not, I'D have defended her to the hilt: I'D have said, she was stressed, was going through a hard time, had a hard time raising us. I would have been the first person to defend her. It took a big mental leap for me to even acknowledge that what was happening was abuse. So my point is, we do not know what is going on with twinklingfairy's mother, and perhaps twinklingfairy herself may not be ready to delve into this, or maybe I am just a crazy person projecting my own angst onto this thread. But I do know that her mother's behaviour is not normal. Her treatment of the OP'S DH is despicable, when he was only trying to help with the car. Besides that, why on earth was twinkling sorting out a problem that her brother had caused? And then why did the mother takes her problems out on twinkling, rather than on the brother? THis is not a normal dynamic.

Twinkling, you do sound as though you've moved on a bit and are ready to detach yourself from your mother's apron strings. I sincerely hope your mother allows you to do so, for all her talk of wanting to be more independent herself. I have a sneaking suspicion there is more trouble to come, but hopefully you will be ready to deal with that, and you do sound like a very strong person. Just don't let her push you around.

Thank You Sakura, I am sure you are right, this is not the end of it.
I just hope I will be strong, and aware, the next time she tries to make me feel small.
My trouble is that I have too positive an out look on life. That sounds pretentious but what I mean is, if I have an argument I really feel it, hence the 'emotional implusivness' of wanting to get as far away from the source as I can.
But then, when calm has been restored, so does my positivity and I fool myself into thinking it was not so bad afterall, it was a one off, I will see it coming next time etc etc.
I never do, it hits me hard and then I am in the depths of it all before I know what has hit me wondering why everyone is floating along merrily anymore.
Sometimes I think I am a bit dim, I should grow up and see the world for what it is, then I might cope better. But then, what is wrong with just trying to maintain a happy outlook?

In my family I am 'cheery twink', sometimes they don't understand how I can be that way.
Oh i DON'T NO, i FEEL i AM RAMBLING NOW.
whoops, caps lock.
I do think my cheeriness can make me an easy target though Not always for arguments but for ah, she is dim but we like her, pats on the head, kind of treatment.

You are right Sakura, I would defend my mum. I don't think she is abusive just ridiculously controlling.
DH Hates it!! Tries to make me stand up to her. She hates that. Says 'this is DH talking' when I try to squirm out of one of mums 'family obligations'.

Sakura

We all bring out own experiences to this forum, and that is why people ask for an opinion, your situation made you make a very diffcult, but necesasry for you, decision to cut your mum out of your life.

I have a very different perspective becuase I lost a mum who was my best friend and I watched her die of cancer at the age of 61.

Sometimes you can work around someone's personality traits, I know I do with my dad. He was vile to me when mum died and I considered not seeing him again, but I now work around him and don't get involved where I know there will be trouble. If he has too many to drink, I dont stay around.

There is a post on here about NPD which I found very interesting, maybe the OP would like to read this and see if any of it makes sense to her? I did wonder if my dad had NPD as lots of the symptoms are familiar.

I guess I feel the loss of my mum so much that it makes me sad to hear someone at such odds with their mum. I hope you can work it out Twinkle

Yappy, it does make me sincerely happy to hear of women like yourself who had or have a genuinely good relationships with their mother. It gives me hope for my relationship with my own daughter.
Twinkling, perhaps better to post this in Relationships, rather than in "Am I being unreasonable". AIBU is designed to get people to push their own point of view. The NPD thread that yappy is talking about is in relationships, I think. And it is worth a read.