...to not go back to this playgroup?

[fattybumbum]

To cut a long story short, I have a 6 week old baby and a 3, nearly 4 year old boy. I'm finding the whole thing hard anyway and am quite hormonal but had discovered a way of making my life easier by getting out every morning as it's the only way the baby will drop off (in his pram) and stay asleep so I can have some close time with my older son (the baby cries all afternoon).

Anyway, I'd started going to the local playgroup on Mon and Wed mornings. It is v close but not popular as it has mainly childminders at it and they aren't friendly to others. Also I am from another country so it's a little harder for me to 'connect'. However, it is local, I can't drive and I'm desperate at the minute, so we've been going religiously ... even if no one talks to us!

Anyway, near the end of the group, my son was playing with a toy kitchen and started banging the door of the cupboard over and over again. The woman who runs the group (who is at least 60) was sitting with all her mates near him. I was much further away, jiggling the baby. She told him to stop banging the cupboard door as he would break it. He didn't stop so she got up, pointed her finger in his face and shouted 'I said no' then sat down again without looking at me (she had to face in my direction).

I felt really upset as they obviously thought I hadn't told him off so was being a bad mother but tbh I think that it is ok for a kid to open and shut a door repetitively. It's a toy for feck's sake! I feel like they didn't like the irritating noise as it was ruining their chat, rather than being bothered about the toy.Also they are not friendly and I feel (rather paranoidly) that they see me as 'different'. Also DS is very large for his age (and very boisterous and loud) and so his behaviour always looks worse. I've also wondered that if the childn=minders and leaders are all older that maybe they're coming from a different mentality of child rearing.

Now I'm stuck with the dilemma of going back (feeling bullied) or not going in which case I'll have to walk the streets to get the baby off to sleep. In this weather I find the idea lonely and depressing. I'm feeling very lonely at the minute anyway. There aren't any other local playgroups on on those days so I've no where else to go. I wish I had more mum friends but I don't. I'm possibly being unreasonably sensitive about the whole thingso would like so unbiased opinions.

Yes do have a look on netmums, their local listings are really good (sorry MNHQ, I know you are trying to improve MN local at the moment!) - and try putting Children's Centre into google to find your local one as well, they often have lots of groups on and IME the leaders try really hard to avoid cliques.

Your ds shouldnt have been banging the toy kitchen door repeatedly, that is not what the toy is intended for. The same as bricks were made for building, not throwing. However much a child likes exploring a new found skill.

Would have been nice of her to show him how to use the toy ie we dont bang the door, we shut it gently, even children of 4 have difficulty knowing the difference between hard and gentle sometimes.

Sounds to me that she was a bit pissed off with you for not intervening. Still dont let that put you off, thats mother and toddler groups for you.

I have found some child minders can be a bit harsh.

I think you should give it a try to go again, as you will be missing out if you stop completely as it seems you found it useful for your routine to get out the house and go there. Im sure this door incident will be quite quickly forgotten

i think the woman in question was unreasonable; sounds like she sees the playgroup as the centre of her childmiding social whirl and not as a place for young children to explore and be kids.

My dd is the same age as your little boy, i'm about to have dc2 and i would have been livid at anyone speaking to dd in this way.

Everywhere i go, other people's young children are doing 'irritating' things; shouting, screaming, throwing toys,that's what they do- it's not up to complete strangers to discipline irritating (yet harmless) behaviour. If your ds had been doing something dangerous her intervention would have been justified, but she still would have owed you a look of 'sorry, but it needed to be done, i'm sure you can understand?'

Go back, you need to be out of the house and doing things in the mornings, isolation will only make you feel more crap, but you'll have to be prepared to assertively deal with this woman in future. you can do it.

I don't think the woman was BU to ask your child to stop banging the door (especially if she was not aware that you had already told him). IME repeated banging of doors can either lead to a finger being trapped, or to all the children starting to bang things - leading to bedlam. I don't think she should have come across as aggressive, but I do think that as some childminders are used to talking firmly to children who are not their own, they do sometimes end up reprimanding children who are not in their care. I'm not sure what your playgroup is like, but at our Mother and Toddler group, the boisterous older ones (incl my DD!) can frighten the younger PFBs a bit!
BUT please don't give up going, and please try to forget about it. You NEED to socialise otherwise you will go out of your mind (I do!) - so make as much effort as you can to break into the 'clique' and hopefully you will see some reward. And BTW you are doing brilliantly getting through this (most difficult IME) time with your 2 DCs, and it can only get better from now on!