WWYD help me between ds and ex.

[mamas12]

Feel a bit pathetic tbh but here goes.
Would I be unreasonable to back my ds up in this situation
Ex rang two days ago to say he has some tickets for a football match and do I mind if ds stays with him on 'my' weekend, I said no I don't mind and then he told ds.
Now ds told he doesn't want to go as there is an xmas 'happening' in the town we live in where all the shops are open and santa and his friends are playing a gig etc. (I'm looking forward to it!)
Rang ex just now and he said and I quote 'who does he think he is' and no, he has to come it'll be too embarrasing to tell them I don't want the tickets now.

Do I tell ex to grow up and tell him these double booking things happen or do I tell ds that he has to go thereby ensuring no one will be having a good time???

Help, will be checking back in an hour for any advice (please)

Your son has said he will go. IMO it teaches children that it's ok to mess people about when parents let them change their mind all the time. He has made a commitment to his Father and I'm sure if it were the other way around you'd want him to honour it...

Tell your ex that your DS cannot go, if the ticket thing is an issue offer to cancel it for him. Or not. Think your ex is being a bit of a wimp, but did you explain that there might have been a conflict in your DS plans? It sort of sounds like you said yes, and then called back and said no.
YANBU

Hmm

Did you ask your ds about whether he wanted to go or did you answer for him?

If you answered for him, I don't think you should make him go. However, if he was asked, agreed and has since changed his mind he should be made to go.

Well said MrsJammi!

to me this reads that you made the decision and when ds was informed he objected?

In this case I would say up to ds.

If however ds said yes and then changed his mind then I would say he has accepted a prior arrangement and should stick to it.

How old is ds?

Also - OP reads as if ex already had the tickets before confirming. In which case it is his problem if he is embarrassed, this would have been the case if you couldn't swap anyway.

Agree with chasing squirrels and colditz

How old is your ds?

Thanks for all your replies.
to answer ds is 13, he said yes to ex and then realised about the other thing.
StrictlyKaty I would be a bit more meh about it.
Mrs jammi I agree about the ticket issue and I do feel for him a little but tbh this xmas thing has been overlooked by us all.
ex told me that he already had tickets and would be telling ds later. Then tried to tell me tonight that he told ds if he could get ticket would he want to come and he said yes.

But I have now been put in the middle and they're BU imo as I either have to piss ex off or force ds to go and we will all be miserable.

wish ex would communicate more with us and this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Think ds was afraid to say no to him tbh.

So Most of you think I shoul side with ex then

Yes I think you are right mrsjammie ds is using me to do his dirty work, and it is because of ex extreme reactions sometimes (another thread)
I do understand I do and I agree with you BUT I can't stand this stomache churning confrontation bit.
I should tell them both to talk to each other and not use me as go between.
I only started being go between because he was/is so abusive verbally and I was trying to shield them but it now looks as though I'll have to let them them deal with him themselves.
I hate this why am I such a wimp sometimes

mamas - you have to bring up ds as you want, if you think it is wrong for him to be invited somewhere and him say yes - then back out afterwards for another outing with other people

Is that an ok way to behave?

If it is then you let ds do what he wants and go out elsewhere.

if that is not the sort of person you want ds to be and you would dislike it is it happened to you - then you explain that it not acceptable.

tale your ex out of the equation, take the fact that ds might not have wanted to say no (He will have to learn to say no politly)

But try to think how you would feel if you invited ds somewhere and then he changed his mind and said no (regardless of whether you had tickets or not)

Thanks for your kind post ivy.
I do understand about commiting yourself and sticking by it.
He is generally reliable as regards going to places and seeing family commitments etc. and steps up for me and behaves beautifully when he wants to but these things do happen and it's only because it;s the bloody ex and my depressing relationship with him that is getting to me.
Tbh I'm okay with arrangements changing sometimes as I know that that is life but he is so inflexable and won't bend anyway except his way. And I am not saying he is wrong in this instance but I wish it wasn't me in the middle.

Atm neither of them will phone the other and it's left with me.

mamas - you tell ds if he is old enough to be making his own choice then he should phone his df

or text ex and tell him to phone ds and you will back him up.

Dont put yourself in the middle

Thanks ivy I have told ds he should go with his father and will text ex to phone ds in the morning and told them both it's between them.
Why do I get myself into these 'trying to pleas everyone' stupid messes.