and a spoilt brat? Trying hard not to be...

[grumblinalong]

I'm going to give you the scenario I found myself in today. Will you please tell me what you think about it and what you would do. I'm really trying to not be spoilt and bratty and take it graciously on the chin but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't made me really upset. It's more about the associated message it sends rather than the actual item.

I went to show my mum the wedding dress that I have found. The dress is in Oxfam, it's £75 (have posted about it in Chat before btw). Tried it on, my mum said it really suits me and that she really likes it. My parents offered to buy my wedding dress for me a few weeks back so I was expecting her to offer to pay for it. She didn't. Afterwards my mum said 'Are you going to buy it? Do you want us to buy it, if we have to we'll have to(?) but it's not good timing.'

I've gone for a low cost dress partly for eco/ethical reasons and also because I didn't want to take advantage of my parents. They're not poor, but they're not mega rich. I think what my mum meant by 'it's not good timing' is that my family do not really like my DP and things have been strained (they recently went mad with me because we took DS2 out for the day for his birthday instead of having a party at home for them to attend and they thought it was DP's fault, even though it was my idea). So am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

May be that she has over spent on Christmas shopping and wonders where she can find the £75 at "short" notice as unlike a wedding shop you won't be able to reserve it for long/

I would just buy it myself.
A bit mean to offer to pay and then change your mind, especially as it's so cheap for a wedding dress! You could have found one for well over £1000

hmm, I think YANBU to be a bit upset - your mum offered to do something and then appeared to withdraw the offer - although I think I would have said "well you did offer to pay for it, I thought you were going to but if you can't afford it I will get it myself"

And see what she said to that. Does she think that you are going to re-think your wedding plans if she refuses to buy the dress? How odd if she does.

You might be reading too much into the "it's not good timing" - they might have just spent loads on Christmas presents and have low cash flow at the mo.

YANBU - I don't think you're being bratty at all - your parents have gone back on their word for dubious reasons, and it sounds like they're being very ungracious about the whole thing.

But don't let it spoil your day and well done on finding a lovely dress at such a reasonable price.

YANBU. If you were just assuming your Mum would pay, then that would be unreasonable. But she's already offered, so she should really keep her word. Unless there really is some financial crisis that they are keeping from you.

But as she seems reluctant, I'd just pay for it yourself. I read the other thread - hadn't you better snap this bargain dress up, before someone else does?

Aw it must be rubbish to have tension between yer mum and yer bloke.

I think you're probably taking what she said the wrong way, but even if she did mean she didn't feel like spendng money on your wedding when things were a bit fraught between you, YABabitU (though not necessarily bratty).

Can you just buy the dress yourself (unhuffily)and resolve to get the other stuff sorted out. Your mum can either give you the money for the dress when she has it, or help you with shoes and jewellery and whatever.

thumbwitch - that's what I'm worried about. I'm starting to feel a bit paranoid that my parents are going to say all the right things (they've said we'll buy the dress and contribute to the food) but when it comes to the crunch they won't. Which will leave me well and truly up the creek.

I'm crap at talking bluntly to people about money though so I suppose my pussyfooting around isn't helping. Ixia - that's my point. I'd told her about the dress last week, given them plenty of opportunities to say they didn't /couldn't buy it and I'm dreading someone else getting it. I'll but it myself but I'm upset that the don't seem to care about my feelings surrounding this.

If you still haven't bought it then perhaps you could suggest to your mum that she goes halves with you, since she did say she would buy it (use the italics when you speak to her ) - that would help clarify whether it is a purely financial issue or whether there is something else going on.

you really must bite the bullet - you can't go ahead and organise everything unless you know you have the funds for it.

Also, have you tried asking the Oxfam people to put it aside for you for a day or so? I'm sure they would, they're generally quite reasonable - you could even pay them £10 deposit to hold it for you.

I think two separate things going on:

1. You need to smooth things over between your mum and your DP. You may have to let your mum get some stuff off her chest. Fundamentally it sounds like she's going to respect your decision to marry and wants you to be happy so do it with that assumption.

1. Have a separate conversation about what your parents can realistically contribute towards the wedding costs, and when. Make it absolutely clear that your plans will be based on that happening.

Buy your dress before it goes.

YANBU to be upset if she went back on it BUT she may have a real reason. I would just buy it and if she wants to buy something just chose something later on when it is a better time. I wouldnt argue over it, it just isnt worth it in the long run over a dress.

Can you only afford to get married if they help?

How old is your son?

Why is it such a big deal that you took him out for the day?

I've phoned the shop - they're going to save it for me until Sat

diddl - my ds is 2 and they wanted to see him on his birthday but obviously couldn't because we went away. It caused a HUGE amount of problems and my sister and dad are only just talking to me now. My dp and my family don't get on - each side thinks the other is too controlling regarding the dc's. I definitely want my family at my wedding, even with the problems we have. DP doesn't want to pay for the whole wedding himself, we'll be using some of his savings to fund most of it so I suppose he has the right to say that!

I think you need to just assume that your parents will not be contributing financially to your wedding.

She shouldn't have let you down like that, but she did and now you know.

So plan it assuming they are not contributing. DH and I paid for our wedding totally, it was a budget affair, but it was ours.

i would have interpreted 'not good timing' as to do with Christmas. I am having to cough up for DS#1's trip to Germany next month and its severely bad timing Anything extra at this time of year is a problem IME. Perhaps she expected to pay for it later - budgetted for next spring?

I agree with Morloth. Assume that you and DP are going to have to pay for the whole wedding. If your parents contribute anything, then it will be a welcome extra, but won't threaten to spoil your plans. Hope all goes well

I think the "good timing" thing is to do with Christmas, but I still think it's a bit tight of her to kick up a fuss when you've chosen such a reasonably-priced dress. I think you're going to have to have a conversation about money though - you can't operate in the dark when you're planning something this big. Although you'll have to be super-tactful as they're likely to be a bit defensive

hope you got your dress ok, grumblin!