Need to know if I am being unreasonable before I speak to this mum

[memoo]

DD is 10 and a few weeks ago she and a few other girls had a sleep over at a friends house.

DD has just told me that while they were at the sleep over this girls mum said "do you know girls I use to teach a boy who now goes round raping women"!!

I asked DD what the converstion before and after was and she said they were just watching the tele and the mum was reading the paper. She said non of the girls answered, they just sat there.

How bloody is weird is that, what the hell was she thinking saying something like that to a bunch of young girls. I am actually really cross and when i calm down I am planning to speak to this mother about exactly what went on

Just need to know if I am over reacting before I go wading in!!!

what an odd thing to say! Was she somehow trying to have a talk about safety with them? And failed!!

I really don't know, don't understand how something like that could come up in a conversation with a group of 10 year old girls.

I would feel really uncomfortable if I found out that had been said to my 10yr dd especially if there had been no discussion which led to it beforehand.

Thankfully when I was 10 I had no idea what the word 'rape' meant. I know times have moved on but still I don't think its appropriate. Having said that I'm not sure how I would approach talking to the mum about it but in short I don't think yabu !

I asked DD if she knew what 'rape' means and she said yes, not sure if she really does though. I've told her we'll have a chat later when dh is home to take baby off me for a while.

I don't know how I'll approach it either really, wouldn't even know where to begin.

I agree it is an odd thing to say to a group of little girls but perhaps, giving this mum the benefit of the doubt, she was reading the article in the paper and was shocked to read that one of her ex-pupils was now a rapist and just sort of absent mindedly spoke out loud and then regretted it which is why the conversation ended there because she knew it was inappropriate.

Don't go in guns blazing and she may be very embarrassed and sorry already at having said it.

Agree with pineapple chunks. It was probably said out of shock.

What on earth would you say to the mother anyway??

They aren't babies at ten, and won't be damaged from hearing the word 'rape' you know! They know alot more than I bet you realise. Don't embarass yourself.

I'm sure her memory can't be 100% exact after a few weeks! Nor the mum's - she won't have a clue what you're referring to after all this time. Anyway, I can't see what there is to be cross about really.

I'm sure her memory can't be 100% exact after a few weeks! Nor the mum's - she won't have a clue what you're referring to after all this time. Anyway, I can't see what there is to be cross about really.

So good I said it twice...

I agree it's an odd thing to say. But, to throw another side in, maybe it could be an opportunity to talk to DD, in a way you feel comfortable, about this. I only say this because I used to teach in a very nice secondary school, and my (yr 8) tutor group were all invited to the same party one weekend. On the Monday afterwards, there was an enormous mess because one of the girls in my tutor group had acused one of the boys in the same class of raping her at the party. They were 12. She had told her mother, and they had, understandably, gone straight to the police. The boy was arrested, and questioning took place. The girl was examined and questioned as well, and it came out eventually that the boy had kissed her, and then her friends had taken the piss, so she had said she didn't want him to kiss her - she thought that THIS was rape - anything you didn't want a boy to do to you, in this case, just a kiss at a party. The situation was horrific, and went on for months. I left the school at the end of that academic year (the incident was in February, IIRC) and there was a civil case (boy's parents suing girl for defamation of character) still ongoing.

So OP, if this has been mentioned in your DD's hearing, perhaps now would be a good time to discuss it with her, in the gentlest of terms. Then maybe explain to the other mum that you had to do so, but without getting too angry with her.

she'll have just said out loud what she was thinking while reading about her ex pupil on the paper.

what are you going to say? 'how dare you say the word rape infront of my daughter!!' ?

God I don't envy you, guess you just have to ask her understanding of what the word means and then go from there. Part of me thinks just play it safe and 'park it' for a later date but then we've always had a total honesty policy with our dcs and it seems to be working (so far !!)
Is she quite a mature 10yr old ? Will she understand the conversation ? I think its more important to make sure your daughter knows what it means than it is to tackle this mum - like the others saidwhat would you say anyway ?

I would just say that if your DD mentioned it to you a few weeks after the party, then it's probably something that she's been trying to work out. I have a 10 year old DD and she's at a similar stage where they hear words, don't fully understand them and try to make sense of them by dropping it into the conversation to see your reaction. To confront the other mother would be a bit of an extreme reaction and it might be wise to think what your own DD will make of that association; i.e. I mention the word rape and next there's a confrontation between two grown women... Surely it would be far better to have a gentle conversation with your daughter where you both acknowledge it was a really weird thing for someone to say and probably an unsettling thing for a 10 year old to hear. You can talk to her using the right language and explain what rape is without terrifying her and at the same time let her know you understand she was probably unsettled by this. But confront the other woman? Nah, just put it down to people saying stupid things.

Some very good points! I have calmed down a bit now. She isn't a mature 10 year old but I do appreciate that she may well know a lot more than I imagine she does.

I still don't think she should have said it to the girls but I'm not going to go in all guns blazing.

Think I will mull on it for a while and use it as a starting point to have a really good chat with DD later on.

Thanks for replys

Best of luck to you