to stay?

[lorrycat]

DP and i have recently moved back in together after a 5 month split. We have a beautiful DS (16mo) and both love him dearly.

However...the issues that led us to breaking up in the first place are plaguing us once again. DP accepted responsibility for our breakup before and I have a heartfelt letter to that effect. This time round, whilst i'm happy to agree that i am not easy to live with, even though the same issues are arising, he is digging his heels and not accepting his share of the responsibility this time.

It has become a real game of tit-for-tat, blaming one another and has become really frustrating and emotionally draining. I did suggest last week that we go out for a quiet meal to discuss things, so avoid the temptation for us to get carried away and things get overheat - i was trying to work around the fact that i can quickly get to a point of shouting if I get upset about something. This actually did work until the waitress placed a very lovey-dovey couple at a table about 2 foot from us - conversation killer there lol.

Basically i'm not getting what i need from this relationship. We have totally lost our spark, communication is minimal and often strained, it seems impossible to get him to help around the house at time (we agreed he would do dishes every night after dinner but this agreement isn't being held up), we have NO sex life (despite attempts from me) and i feel like he is emotionally absent most of the time. There is no affection, no kissing, cuddling, quality time etc etc. I try to make nice meals, light candles, suggest going out to dinner, suggest some time to himself even with this friends. But I feel like we are just 2 people who are living in the same house, nothing more (except getting on each other's nerves a lot of the time).

I dont know what is keeping me here. If a friend of mine told me this was the kind of relationship she was in, i would tell her that it has run its course and to move on. Trouble is, we are together 8 years and it just doesn't seem as simple as that.

I have been treated for depression and anxiety as a result of all of this. I am still on medication and can feel myself slipping back down the road to a bad place again. I don't know what to do.

You guys need room to talk, to air your views loudly and without fear of reprimand.

You need to tell him all of the stuff you have written here, even if it is something you wouldn't normally say.

I often find that letters are a good way to do it - you get what you need to say out without it being twisted into something you didn't mean, he gets to read it in his own time - to let it sink in and to take notice.

Aske ach other - in plain straightforward English - what you want from the relationship. If you still want the relationship and what each other needs from the other to make it happen.

Communication really is the most important thing.

My hubby and I have two rules in this relationship:

1. ALways be honest with each other. Even if it is hurtful. It saves a lot of heartache in the future (even if it is hard to hear at the time).

1. NEVER go to bed, work, out angry. Solve the dispute there and then. Life is far too short and you never know what is around the corner.

SPEAK to each other. It is the only way you are going to know what each of you weant, where you stand and what to do next. Think how much of a relief that would be!

Hope this helps.

The very best of luck xxxx

hi lorrycat no advice really just sympaphy. i am going throught he same thing so know how you feel. we have been together 13years and have an 18mnth old ds. i have finaly give up the fight and i am moving on. i am still with him now but am in the process of getting things in place to leave. hope everything does work out for you i really do but just dont waste your life being unhappy.

Threelittleducks...i have spent the last 2 years writing letters to him (both frank and heartfelt) because i know that we have an issue with face to face communication.

I believe that I have aired my views and my needs over and over again, but to no avail. It just doesn't seem to get through to him.

Like i said, i will be the first to hold my hands up and say i can be at fault too, but i am really trying to work on things - by writing letters (thus avoiding me getting highly strung), by trying to give more hugs, say 'i love u' and even sending texts.

Last week he concluded that our problems were about me 'not feeling loved.' Then a few days later he announced that he thought it was a lack of sex, then last night he said it was due to alack of physical contact (e.g. hugging etc. He can't make him mind up. I've tried to tell him that its all of these things. But then i get accused of complicating things

Big hugs for you lovey. I really really hope you guys can work it out.

I really don't know what to say. Other than go for it! I hope your perseverance pays off - it sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Maybe a small break from each other? Do you get a lot of time apart? Absence makes the heart grow fonder - it really is true.
Maybe you need a wee bit of space in order to clear the air and see where you both stand?

Maybe you can disregard the shittyness that has been going on and call time on the bad feelings and replace them with good things. Instead of notes about how each other feel, how about leaving little notes for each other reminding each other of why you love each other? A note on the bathroom mirror in the morning about how you love his bum? A note in the fridge about how he makes you laugh when he.....?

Sometimes comedy can help - and diverts you both from dwelling on the negatives.

I really hope this doesn't seem too mundane - I'm just trying to help. And yes, this is the kind of stuff me and my hubby do with each other. It works. But maybe we are just funny.

Keep talking though - letting it out makes it easier to deal with at home.

Hope you are ok

Ah sorry, I just saw that you are back after a 5 month split. Sorry sorry sorry.

Disregard my previous ramblings, I am a fool.

Big huge

Don't be sorry hun, I appreciate any advice i can get.

Just feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because right now i cannot decide whether i want to stay and fight on, or decide on a split.

Because we have a child togther, things will never be clear cut i suppose.

Wishing i could lift the big cloud over my head. Last night i was in bed for 7.30pm and still found it almost impossible to get up this morning. And i'm finding it hard to eat - and i would normally eat god off the cross!!!

Update: rang DP this morning to work. Told him i was feeling really depressed about things. He sits there in a chirpy mood (pleased with himself because he "tried by giving me a cuddle last night" - his words) and tells me that i have 2 ways i can deal with this: either get on with it or "be all doom and gloom".

I swear i could slap him - very hard!!! Depression is no joke and its our relationship that is causing me to feel this way. I reached out to him this morning for a bit of support and he reacted this way.

AIBU to be upset by this off-hand behaviour?

DP says he wasn't aware that i was asking for help when i rang him this morning.

Apparently i should have actually used the words "i need your help." Telling him i'm feeling utterly depressed about our relationship is not enough to spark a light bulb in his head.

A friend of mine is leaving after many years and four children because her partner is unable to understand and respond to her need for emotional support.

The needs of their children masked the problem but now they are grown up all the frustrations have come to a head.

The sad thing is she has always seemed so angry and, well, unkind. However, when they explored the relationship at Relate and she felt she could discuss the situation it is glaringly obvious how she has been emotionally and intellectually alone for so long.

It seems that her partner is literally unable to truly engage with empathy towards anyone else's feelings without prompting. He's not unkind or violent, just not 'present'.I can't really imagine how stifling that must be.

I don't know if any of this applies to you but I do think Relate would be a good idea.

I didn't say I'm so sorry you are in this situation, you have your lovely boy and I hope you can take comfort from his joy at discovering this wonderful world.

It can be so hard to remove yourself from your doubts and fears but look at the world through that little one's eyes and you'll find real strength.

Blessings EM x

Ohhh, I don't know how you don't just lose the plot with him!

You shouldn't have to tell him that you need his help - he should know!

Maybe you should just walk away from it all if it is making you feel this way. I suppose the longer you wait for him to respond and react to you, the longer you are going to be depressed. Perhaps if you were working under your own steam explicitly and not looking to him to help, you would get on better?

Depression is a terrible beast that preys on your insecurities. I don't know about you, but I work better under my own steam and if I don't have anyone else to rely on I do more, which gives me a huge lift.

I often feel that my other half is an obstacle to my independance and confidence (not in a bad way) just because he will do the things that I don't like/want to do and therefore I don't do them, which makes me lose independance and confidence. Whereas if I had done them I would be over it.

I dunno what I am trying to say....

Just trying my best to help.

I know first hand what depression is like, and also have a ds similar in age to your dc.

Have you asked your doc for some councilling? It's an awesome way to get it all out and get yourself together - without any arseface comments that make you feel rubbish!!

Also, men are rubbish at this kind of thing. If they don't see it, they don't want to try!

Big hug and hope your day gets better xxx

Earthymamma...i feel like your friend. DP just doesn't "get me" and in turn doesn't fulfill my needs in our relationship. I'm not asking him to move mountains for me, just to feel like he is on the same wavelength as me. It's so lonely to be in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can rely on for any type of emotional comfort or support.

Threelittleducks...thank you for your messages today and yesterday. Funnily enough i often do lose the plot with him. and strangely, he is the ONLY person in my life that i do that with. I am generally a laid back and logical person. I have even been told this by a former counsellor.
Yes, I have reached out for help elsewhere. I work for a mental health organisation (convenient, i know ) and they are organising counselling for me through one of their subsidiaries. The referral will take about 3 days to go through so i'm hoping to hear somethign before the end of the week.

I have often wondered about Relate, but i think it would be a waste of money to go and discover what i think i already know, just don't have the nerve to own up to it