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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not encourage my dh to resume contact with his brother and sister in law?

25 replies

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 17:25

quite a bit of backgroung ,but the crux of the original issue was,they were annoyed at our wedding gift to them.
i think this is totally unacceptable,and there has been a huge feud that has involved his whole family.my dh hasn't spoken to his brother or sil since,but i have tried to encourage him to bury the hatchett and i keep the lines of communication open between myself and sil,via texts(we live in different countries) however,they used tosend cards and gifts to my lo's at xmas and birthdays,but have stopped...which grates.
then, against my dh's advice i texted them to tell them i was expecting again (maybe giving them the bro the opportunity to ring with an opener)anyway, i find out weeeks later that sil is preg too (and was then)but didn't reciprocate the sharing of good news.

so am i aibu in thinking my dh is right, that they're a pair of self-centred tossers and not contacting them again?

OP posts:

Babbit · 16/11/2009 17:28

You must tell what the gift was???

Is it sil and bil's first child?

sunburntats · 16/11/2009 17:28

jeez what did you give them as a gift...a turd in a bag??

Marioandluigi · 16/11/2009 17:30

Yes, we must know what the gift was any why it upset you som much before we can judge.

dizzydixies · 16/11/2009 17:30

its such a shame when petty mindedness ruins families, especially where there are little ones who are going to miss out on seeing cousins

I think you should just stop for now. Maybe send a card congratulating them when baby is born and wish them well but in the meantime concentrate on yourself, your dh and your dc

and congratulations on your pregnancy

Chickenshavenolips · 16/11/2009 17:30

I need to know what the gift was.

bigchris · 16/11/2009 17:31

well you were being unreasonable to text behind dh's back!

beanieb · 16/11/2009 17:32

I think, if the present was the reason they stopped contact then it must have been a particularly awful present! That or they are just plain weird.

How pregnant is SIL, maybe she's waiting until she is 12 weeks?

Original poster

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 17:45

arrrgh, i knew you'd want to know whatthe gift was..lol at turd in a bag,bloody wish i had now.didn't really want to say incase shes a mner!but here goes,it was part of dinner set they had picked out,like a large serving plate. thing is, we had just had our second dc,he was 10 weeks,and we had to scrape the money together for tickets abroad, accomodation for our family of 4,and new outfit(i still wouldn't fit into my normal clothes!)it really really stretched us. soi thought they would just be thrilled at the enormous effort wehad made to get to their farking wedding in the first place!

yes,the present was a bit poo,but they're lucky we remembered to get them anything at all!

big chris...it wasn't behind his back.dh knew,he just thinks i'm daft even to bother.

sorry about typing 20 month old has picked loads of keysoff the keyboard..littlehorror!

OP posts:

Original poster

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 17:47

dizzy, thanks for congrats can't waitfor number3.

no,it's not sil's firstchild, and she's 17 weeks with number2

OP posts:

MaggiePie · 16/11/2009 17:51

YABU.

You should encourage your DH to rise above it and continue to 'try'.

But they are being U and cheeky to expect a certain calibre of gift!!

lisianthus · 16/11/2009 17:53

What was the problem with giving them a serving plate that they had asked for anyway?

I wouldn't force your DH to communicate with his family - it's HIS family, and he is entitled to make this decision for himself. It infantilises him rather if you decide that his decision not to continue contact with them is "unacceptable", particularly as you are continuing to communicate with them without him knowing.

I also think it's their decision how they announce the pregnancy and YABU to think that they have to do it in a particular way. Maybe they weren't ready to tell people? Maybe they have had MCs before, for example.

Rantagonist · 16/11/2009 18:00

A serving plate sounds OK to me, I got my brother a knife when he got married, he is a tosser though lol

dizzydixies · 16/11/2009 18:01

god I got mine a garden candle but she made me wear a ridiclious dress and stand next to her evil toothpick of a sister

Original poster

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 18:15

i think it wasmore they were pissed off at how it was obtained. we were at airport and isaid to dh" you did get them a giftdidn't you?" he replied"" ahhh,shite!" i said"ring your mumand ask her if she'dpick ussomething she knows theywant and we'll reimburse her" so mil picked the plate and had it wrapped.
bythe timewe arrived at family home it was late evening,house full of relies,me trying to settle dd, 22month,into strange house,strange faces,strange roomto sleep. and newborn ds,fed settled...then get to bed myself.wedding next morn,so didn't even see gift!

when we gave the gift, sil went in singy voice "oooohh,what iiis ittt?!"

and i couldonly reply in singy voice "open ittt and seeee!!" because i didn't have abloody clue!!

and i dont think im treating himlike a child suggesting dh ring db,their mum is v upset at the situation and i have tried to mediate.

aaaaaand..i wasnt texting behind his back..he knows

OP posts:

sowhatis · 16/11/2009 18:19

sounds as though they are v v ungrateful - a gift is a gift FFS.

i wouldnt encourage DH either way - his family, his problem. i wouldnt text SIL either.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 18:29

i know,i think they are paranoid that because it was a 2nd wedding that noone thoughtit was special...which is bollocks..

lisanthus....they def havnt had mc's,and i know that i have no right in HOW they announce their preg,but dont you think if i shared our good news,its normal to share theirs?especially with how the land lies at the moment!

OP posts:

Stayingsunnygirl · 16/11/2009 18:29

When I got married it was far more important that our friends and family were there and we had a great day together than that they got us presents. They are being very ungrateful and childish.

slushy06 · 16/11/2009 18:37

In the same circumstance I would have been honored that you choose to spend all the money on tickets and fly abroad with a 10 week old can honestly say I would have been over the moon if my sil made that kind of effort for me so I would just leave them. YANBU.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 16/11/2009 18:44

well yeah,thats what we thought, but apparantly not!! its so weird.we all got on so well before this. and whats going to happen in the future? there's another siblings wedding coming up,proceeding that,a stag do..and their mums 60th party among other things.my dh says he wont attend any of these and never wants to see bro again,but this will upset the parents dreadfully.
don't know what to do about it.if they ever met, i fear it would escalate to fistycuffs..which would not be good obviously

OP posts:

theworldsgoneDMmad · 16/11/2009 18:52

"You should encourage your DH to rise above it and continue to 'try'." - unfortunately, no amount of trying tends to ever bring ungrateful people like this around

YANBU!

Original poster

motherbeyond · 17/11/2009 08:10

i dont think i want to try anymore..think ive done pretty well to continue this long.they've been so weird with the whole family,with the exception of two brothers.they were so lovely before the wedding.noone understands whats happened to them

OP posts:

lisianthus · 17/11/2009 09:05

Oh, well, if your DH knows that you have been in contact, and his mother is keen on you trying to mediate, then, I agree you weren't treating him like a child.

I'd give it a rest - you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink and all that. It sounds like it's getting a bit much and you shouldn't have to take this on as your problem - that's not fair when it's DH's relatives.

Rycie · 17/11/2009 09:29

mmm, you say they've been so weird with the whole family - is there any chance that they're using the gift as an excuse and that something else is going on? I just find it so hard to understand why the serving platter would be an offence worth ending a sibling relationship over.

wannaBe · 17/11/2009 09:49

I am going to go against the grain here, I think your dh is behaving like a child.

Yes your bil and sil may have overreacted about the wedding gift, although playing devil's advocate here perhaps they felt that you put no thought into what you bought them and only got a gift at the last minute...

But equally for him to never speak to them again over their reaction to a wedding gift is petty and childish.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 17/11/2009 09:57

i think there must be something else going on.we can only guess as to what.dh thinks its because shes been married before and thats unusual in their culture,and that she s trying to cut him off from the family so they can start again with anonymity.i would question that though,cant see it myself.

i feel sorry for the parents because its got to a point where they won't talk to him about it for fear he'll cut them off.the parents were in the city where they lived and said,can we pop in to see dg?..and they said,no its inconvenient.other times they haven't opened the door.

so it's not just us they fallen out with?

OP posts:

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