to really hate this hush hush policy

[saraya]

In short my DH's family have this hush hush policy whereby they don't let others including me in on anything they deem "private" and by private I mean thinsg like travelling plans( they would know and not tell us til they are there or a day before!), pregnancy( they hid two preganncies from us till about 6 months), engagement, etc untill they deem the time is "safe and right" to publicise these! It drives me crazy cause I would be on the phone with my MIL and she would not tell me something and then a day or two later the FIL would call and announce it! They are so darn conservative and fearful it makes me want to scream! i can understand money issues are private , sexual matetrs are private, but for pete's sake they take privacy to a whole new level and it makes ME feel like they don't trust "outsiders" like me their daughter in law and to point out it is NOT just me it is even uncles and aunts! I have endless examples which I would not want to bore you ladies with but I do have sufficent evidence if you like to prove they are "sick"! any similar stories?

My parents are ridiculous about privacy, although not as dramatically as the examples above. It does my head in. YANBU.

My parents can be a bit like this.BUt not as bad. My dad is always telling people how close we are as a family which makes me laugh cause im always the last to know anything, secrets are always kept and I feel like I cant talk to them about most things-not just private things.
But saying that they have been very helpful when I had a stillbirth and I had a long stay in hospital.

Jeez, don't they realise that you are now part of their family? I mean - duh!

Are they "foreign" as people would say in the 1970s.

My family are and are very much like this and drives DH mad. When I was expecting twins my mum refused to let her many siblings and wider family know there was more than one. I only just found out last week that one of my uncles has Parkinsons - it was diagnosed about 18 months ago.

When my Dad died my sister was overseas and pregnant. It was even mooted (by others in family not my mum) that we would not let her know until the baby arrived to avoid her having any undue stress.

Some is due to a belief in the "evil eye" (for the good things) - yes I know its weird and it drives DH mad. But it also a rabid dislike of passing on any bad news.

you know what Doublebuggy you made me smile out of pure frustration because my SIL just had twins and not once during our many talks etc mentioned it -although we are family -referring to the baby as one and much of what you describe is SOOOOOOOOOO familiar! it's like these people's conseravtiveness has grown morbidly wrong to the degree they are suspicious of all others! I am so different myself which is why i am finding it awfully annoying( otherwise i would just shrug my shoulders wouldn't i and say oh heck)i babble about most thinsg t dow ith me and i consider family close enough to open my heart and mind to them although i too believe in there being some private things in everybody's life..but my God my inlaws are driving me mad although my DH is NOT AT ALL like them but he doesn't mind them of course! I ahve tried facing them but my FIL was not at all happy to say the least

ok - my advice (based on coming from such a family. Is just to ignore and not take offence. Its not that they don't trust you.

These are the reasons my family is like this:

a) they just don't like to pass on bad news. They seem to think that it reflects badly on them to pass on bad news ... they don't want to be seen to be gossiping about nasty things

b) they have some strange belief that passing on too much good news is somehow like bragging and ugly. They also have this weird evil eye thing. But don't worry - I doubt they think you have the evil eye - the evil eye seems something that only old ladies from the "old country" seem to have - but that are just weary that by telling people things then it is more likely that evil eye woman will hear about the good news and somehow spoil things. (Don't ask me how - or any logic behind this - I don't get it either).

c) They just forget. Aparently that is the reason that my mum did not tell me my uncle had Parkinsons (a mixtire of that and no. 1 above).

Do they also hate asking you any questions about what is going on in your life and with your family? My DH hates this - he thinks that it is because they are not interested in him. But it is actually because they don't like to be seen to be asking intrusive questions and think it is rude.

Only suggestion I can offer is too voluntear stuff about yourself and hope that they will reveal the odd snippet. Either that - or find the one nosey person in the family and ask them round for dinner .... often. I have one cousin in my huge extended family who seems to know everything. Not sure how he does it. Just bloody nosey - but a useful person to know!

Good luck - and please remember its no reflection on you or what they think of you. It is just ingrained.

My PILs come to visit us but refuse to tel us what time they are arriving or when they are leaving until the day itself. We used to then have to hang around waiting for the grand annoncement of their arrival and departure times. One day, I exploded and put my foot down.

We set out to tackle this problem by telling them we would be out until 6.00 p.m on the day of arrival and would be leaving the house at 11.00 am on the day of departure. If they have a problem with that they can sit in the car or go to the pub but we wil not be waiting around for them.

After much huffing and puffing they now give us an arrival and departure time.

They sound like ideal inlaws to me. Ie they know the boundaries and they don't cross them.

Would you prefer it if they wanted to know all about your life, so they could pass this on to others in the family.

Maybe they've been burned in the past by an irate daughter in law and now want to keep all cards close to their chest?

Interesting thread. My mum is very like this. I think it's a control thing. She doesn't have any control over anyone's reaction to news she tells and it kills her.

you know ladies it is true they don't intefere at all in our affairs which i commend very highly but we do tell them about our goings on like when i got pregnant they were the first to know etc but when they do not reciprocate it makes me feel cheated although they will NOT chnage and most of the extended family are just as upset but NOBODY voices this at all! It is NOt just bad news doublebuggy it is almost anything from when the SIl got pregnant to them going on holiday. I feel more inclined to "hude" things from them too now tso they have tatse of their own medicine although it would be totally against my nature!I don't want to know for the sake of knowing it is just that i would like to feel like i am part of this family! Let me give you a hurtful example..one day there i am talking to my MIL on the phone and she tells me she is going somewhere later and won't be home then a few days later i find out that going out was a very important family visit! now why wouldn't she tell me?? it made me furious really because it felt like she was shutting me out and as i said before they do it all of them to all their family.. my SIl who just had her twins actually hid from everyone the fact she was having twins ( ok that is not the bad part) and she hid that she was having them abroad!!! she lied later to her Inlaws telling them it happened by sheer coincidence when she had been planning it for months! I hate this lack of trust in others and i know for sure it is the main cause for antagonism and friction. My DH understands this but he won't interfere and takes it as it is! I wish they would be difefrent but they won;t so I must live with this annoying sick way.

sorry i just realised i have so mnay typos i guess i was far too excited