For not wanting to spend Xmas day with my inlaws ....

[Showmeheaven]

My SIL (who lives beside our inlaws) drops hints every year and she has started again this year (she phoned dh the other night to say his parents won't be around forever!).

Myself & DH live 130 miles away and visit regularly throughout the year (twice a month). We will visit the weekend before Xmas and go down a few days after Xmas, but this isn't good enough for SIL. In fairness to her, she has done the big Xmas dinner thing for everyone a few times inviting MIL, FIL, BIL's, kids, old bachelor Uncles, etc.

I prefer to have a quiet Xmas day at home with my dh and our children, then visit everyone after (I know dh prefers this too). The idea of standing in a kitchen with SIL cooking a massive, tasteless Xmas dinner for 20 people just doesn't appeal to me at all.

The other thing that bugs me is that no demands are ever made on BIL's (MIL & FIL's adult, single sons). They only come home for Xmas when it suits them and sit back and have everything done for them (they won't even help with the dishes!). Its like when you are a woman you are practically expected to cater for everyone in the extended family at Christmas.

Please tell me if I am being a selfish bit*h or if I'm quite entitled to spend the day how I want to.

I would invite MIL & FIL up to spend the day with us, but FIL refuses to travel anywhere and will not leave home for anything.

What would you do ???? If the majority of you say I'm being selfish for putting my own needs/wants first then I will re-consider. I just need to know if I'm being totally unreasonable here.

you are not being unreasonable at all. sil sounds like a nightmare tbh. Merry Christmas!

It sounds as if they will have a houseful as it is.

So I say lovely relaxing Christmas of your own!

TBH I can see why your SIL might be miffed, if she's hosted a few times. If it were me I would do it, just the once, but make sure the lazy ass types are allocated a job. How old are your DC? That makes a big difference. They might enjoy a big family Xmas.

Do you like your in-laws? I think your SIL is just being a bit sentimental about xmas and is probably a bit pissed off that she feels she's lumbered with it every year. She'll see you as getting off the hook every year. I think doing it every now and then would be ok and your kids might actually enjoy being with their cousins?

Yes you are entitled to spend xmas how you want but I can see also where your SIL is coming from if she's had to host a few times - perhaps she wants to have the xmas you have for once??
I'd give in this year and then next year you can have the xmas you want with no worries. And I'm sure once your BIL's get hooked up then some responsibility to host xmas dinners in the future will fall to them!
Just don't do too good a job at cooking the dinner otherwise they'll all want to keep coming back!!

I can understand why she is miffed too. She is a nightmare at times, she can be very dictorial & is very opinionated, but she has a good heart and I know she has MIL & FIL's best interests at heart.

But I'm afraid if I do it once, then it will be expected every year after that (or for me and SIL to take it in turns).

I do feel terribly guilty about it, but I still don't want to give up my Christmas! My DC's are 9, 10 and 14.

Burnt turkey & lumpy mash ... haha, good one!

Like you have said FIL wont travel anywhere so even if you offered its not likely to be accepted. Kids dont want to spend hours stuck in cars over the Xmas period and to be honest neither would I.
No body forces your SIL to have a full blown huge family Xmas every year so whats the problem.
You do what you want and she can do what she wants. If your preferences dont fit with hers then tough. Maybe you should pointher inthe direction of the other brothers and ask when they will be taking turns. It doesnat have to be women that cook I have a BIL who cooks Xmas dinner every year.

Just for the record I`m having Xmas this year with just hubby and kids and everyone else can just lump it!

YANBU. No-one forces your SIL to do it, its her choice. Not your fault that FIL won't travel either.

You have the Christmas you want.

BIL's won't ever hook up (too fecking cute for that!). Fair play to your BIL but that would never happen with inlaws. They are lovely people but would have very old fashioned ideas of female/male roles. Females would be expected to do all the cooking on the day, MIL would help out of course, my DH and SIL's DH would also help out and do all the dishes, but unmarried BIL's wouldn't be expected to lift a finger ... except to press the buttons on the remote control.

Yanbu to want Christmas at home. Could you say to SIL that you wouldn't want to make extra work for her, and you will celebrate at home. She sounds as if she is a bit of a martyr about it, why does she not get the lazy BILS to make an effort to help? And why will the MIL and FIL not come to yours occasionally?

Seems as if you are not the only person wanting things their way. But you intend to visit before and after Christmas, so they will still see you all. Big family gatherings only work if everyone contributes, either in food and drink or in getting things done. And if her cooking is that bad.... but it might be tasteless on purpose because thats the way the ILS like it!

She's IS a bit of a martyr about it alright. Its always her making the demands, the inlaws would never expect anything. I've had the lazy BIL's for Christmas a few times at our home, but I won't be hosting them again, they can go home from now on.

I wouldn't go.

Sorry, and seem to be the lone voice here. But YABU. I would be miffed in her position. Of course you are perfectly entitled to have your Christmas at home. But you have asked for honesty in your OP, i do think you sound a tad selfish.

I have travelled overnight with a 12 week old in a car from London to Scotland to spend a xmas with my IL's. Then again with a toddler last christmas. I know that was me, and that was my choice but would I like to have stayed at home? Of course - but the way I see it; DH's family has a right to spend a Christmas with us every other year or so. And I think it is important that DS has the occasional Christmas day with them also. Since my BIL's as well as MIL are in scotland, it makes sense for us to be the ones to do the travelling.

I have a question. How would you feel in 20 years time if one of your DC's spouse did the same? And absolutely refused to spend any Christmases with you? I know nothing you do now can guarantee anything your DC's may or may not do in the future, but I just wondered.

Jeez, I've only spent 1 Xmas with my parents since 1984.

TBE if when ds has flown the nest he said he wanted to go to New York or wherever for Xmas, we'd be absolutely fine with that and would book ourselves Xmas in Morocco or somewhere.

Not everyone feels the need to be superglued together just because of tradition.

Mumble - each to their own.
OP asked for honest opinions, and that is mine. And for me, it isnt simply about tradition, Christmas is genuinely more fun for me when family is around. When I was little, my fondest Christmas memories were when I spent the day with extended family. I loved seeing my cousins.
Think I am definitely in the minority on this one.

Mistle, I would honestly hate for my DC's & their spouses to spend the day with me if they would prefer be at home. I would only want them to be with me if they really wanted to and not out of some kind of duty.

My Mum always thought like that, and so did my Gran. My Mum always says she doesn't mind when she gets to see us at Christmas i.e. it doesn't have to be Christmas Day. I think thats a much more practical approach and it doesn't put undue pressure on anyone. My brother & his family live 200 miles from our Mum and since he married he has never spent Christmas with us - and my Mum wouldn't dream of expecting him to.

But as you say, every family is different.

Just had a talk with DH (we had never really discussed it before). I said we could go down on Boxing Day and cook a nice dinner for everyone, but he thinks we should spend Christmas with them this year - I said no problem, he can think about what to do and I will go along with whatever he decides. I'm glad the decision has been taken out of my hands tbh. Thanks to you all for your advice and Merry Christmas

dh's grandma is 86 and doesn't like to travel, fair enough

so this year we're travelling down on xmas day (I'm working xmas eve ) to have xmas with my inlaws and said grandma

I am not looking forward to it and don't like bundling kids into the car for a 6 hour drive on xmas day

but it's not every year and next year we'll stay at home

it's great that you're leaving it up to dh to decide this year, just remember to not be a martyr and moan all the time like me

SIL sounds like a martyr. If you have kids and work then it's easier for inlaws to travel to you. The fact that they don't want to travel doesn't mean you should run around after them, they don't sound that old and frail. My grandparents once their children were married used to travel to see their grandchildren and children for xmas, usually getting lifts from relatives.
Cooking xmas dinner in someone else's house seems a bit odd to me.
I think if you invite relatives and they choose not to come that's their choice.
Fair enough if husband wants to go. SIL sounds quite selfish in wanting everyone to travel to help her and do things her way rather than her bringing her parents up to you.
I would never travel 6 hours on xmas day. That really isn't a nice thing to do to your kids. Grandma has the inlaws anyway. I think as long as no-one is on their own then all this enforced extended family long distance stuff is unnecessary and stressful.

Is it that she wants to have xmas with her family while you have xmas with the inlaws or does she want a big do with everyone there?

What would she do if you invited everyone to your house - knowing that your PIL are unlikely to want to come? Would she come anyway and leave the PIL at home or would she stay away to be with them?

Could you wangle it so you invite everyone to yours but they don't want to come - or suggest meeting up half way maybe - that way they have turned down any invitation to be together.

Alternatively, could you speak to sil and say what you put in your first post and ask her to spell out exactly how you are being unreasonable given that you will be seeing the PIL twice over the xmas period, you will be able to spend quality time with them rather than just being one of 20 etc etc, and get her to agree that actually you are being unreasonable (to her and pil even) to go up on christmas day itself...

Well, Showmeheaven, at least you can plan what you can do to improve the tasteless dinner this year! Next year you have every right to do your own thing. If the lazy BIL's are there, you can delegate a few jobs to them, offer to back SIL up if she wants to tell them what needs doing. I assume your DH helps a bit, could he stir them into action? Along the lines of 'cooking a meal for 20 is really hard work. This year we will all be helping SIL.' Old traditions can always be replaced by new ones.