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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this Mum was over reacting?

54 replies

ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 22:20

Am genuniney interseted to see what others opinion is on this...

In Nando's today, early tea time, family on the table next to us arrived and were being seated. Boy with them asked to use the toliet, Dad says go ahead. Mum completley aghast 'you can't let him go on his own, he's 7, anyone could be in there!!'. Dad shugs and escorts lad to loos, to which the door was right next to their table. It wasn't busy, and this particular Nando's is on one of those, don't know what you call them, estates maybe? That has bowling complex, cinemas, eating places, out of the way,not a busy town centre.

I would have thought that at age 7, in this situation he would have been ok going on his own? I'm not judging this Mum, maybe just seeing if if it was me and I let him (have two younger Ds's and so am bound to encounter this situation at some point) would I be being carless to let him go on his own?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 14/11/2009 22:47

OP - I reckon you've jsut described a conversatin which takes place hundreds of times over every day all over the westen world.

I wouldn't let a 7 go to a loo in a resturant alone. I can't remember how old DS1 was when he refused to come into the ladies, but he was probably about 8. I am that mum hovering nervously outside mens loos at service stations.

BikiniBottom · 14/11/2009 22:47

lilolil, I do understand and would feel the same as you in those circumstances, I just menat generally I try not to let these rarer awful things impact as I could get very neurotic if I let myself. But yes if it was close to home I would feel the same way.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 22:47

(hadn't thought of this before, thank you acebaby!)

OP posts:
BananaPudding · 14/11/2009 22:49

I would have done the same as that mother (so would dh for that matter). I know I am super-protective and the fact doesn't bother me. I also know that many others are far more relaxed in this way but I try not to judge them by my own stick as lax or negligent.

Dh works in law enforcement which is likely part of the reason for our being as strict as we can be in public. He's seen and heard a lot of horrors.

YANBU but neither was the other mother.

TheCrackFox · 14/11/2009 22:49

He was starting to get funny looks from the other ladies (Maybe I was paranoid?) as he really does look about 3 yrs older than he actually is.

I guess Dads must have the same problems when they are out with their DDs.

It is difficult.

edam · 14/11/2009 22:51

I'm still dragging a 6yo ds into the ladies with me. Think he'd quite like to go on his own but I'm not really comfortable with that yet.

Dunno what the right answer/age is, though. ds is very tall so anyone who is bored enough to notice what we are up to probably thinks he's 7.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 22:52

lilolil - I do think if we all seriously thought about these rare incidents before making decisions about our children, there wouldn't be alot we would do. (Send them to nursery for one)

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 14/11/2009 22:54

This thread reminds me what a really tough job parenting is. We all want our children to grow up independent, healthy and happy. Sometimes, that means exposing them to potential risks. If we protect them from risks, they won't be independent. If we give them freedom and it back-fires, we'll never forgive ourselves. So there really is no right or wrong answer, is there?

Alambil · 14/11/2009 22:55

DS is just 7 and goes on his own to some places, although I stand near the door and call him after a few minutes if there's no sign of him re-emerging!

He came out of one recently and said a man had helped him open the cubicle door as it was stuck (he was trying to get in, not out) and I found myself questionning him on "was that all the man did" which I felt awful for, but part of me needed to ask.... that's terrible, isn't it

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 22:56

I guess so lilo, never a right way!

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 14/11/2009 22:56

(ChickandDuck, x-posted: agree with you in general BUT there is a difference between thinking about possible risks and knowing children it has happened to - makes it all the more real and therefore more likely to be over-protective as a parent)

BikiniBottom · 14/11/2009 22:56

CrackFox, that's interesting about dads and dds. I really wouldn't want my dd in a men's toilet and my dh would look shifty hanging around outside the ladies. My dh says it depends on the place but will take her into the gents and that she always complains how smelly it is.

glasjam · 14/11/2009 22:59

I think it is a sensible precaution to accompany your child in a public toilet. My son often asks me to leave him to it but at the age of 5? I don't think so.

shockers · 14/11/2009 23:13

If I'm on my own with DS, I tell him to go into the disabled loo. He's pretty quick and they're often empty.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 23:17

I can imagine lilolil, only natural!

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 14/11/2009 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

florence2511 · 14/11/2009 23:29

YANBU Op. If a child is able to use a loo by themselves at home then why not in a restaurant. Some parents are far too over protective these days.

I went to see Cirque du Soliel at the Royal Albert Hall a couple years back with some family members. Our Box was opposite the loo's, but my Step SIL wouldn't let her sone go to the loo by himself (he was about 11 at the time) and had to get her DH to take him. I was astounded as the loo was so close and he was 11!!! But then again she wont let him do much on his own and he's 13 now. At his age I would have wanted to go exploring the RAH during the interval and would have been allowed to. I always wonder what she is soooo afraid of.

glasjam · 14/11/2009 23:29

I think that we just have to accept that toilets are a bit of a potentially dodgy environment wherever we are. Sad but true. I don't think we have to instill our children with a fear of going into toilets but we just have to exercise our own common sense when dealing with them. A freaky incident can take seconds and be so confusing to a small child. I'd rather be there for the forseeable (obviously ducking out at a time when it becomes too embarassing for my child, ie. at their 21st birthday party)

madamearcati · 14/11/2009 23:35

Crikey my DCs have all gone to the toilet by themselves since they were about 3.5 with strict instructions to leaveimmediately if anyone speaks to them.
However YABU because you don't know anything about the boy or his family,perhaps he had SN

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 14/11/2009 23:38

"YABU because you don't know anything about the boy or his family,perhaps he had SN"

I know that Dad was fine with it and Mum's concerns were 'anyone being in there'

OP posts:
cory · 14/11/2009 23:42

I can understand why you would be frightened if a girl or boy of 11 had been raped somewhere near you.

But otoh, how would you manage if you were out somewhere with your 11yo boy- would you take him into the ladies?

And what about if her father was out with an 11yo girl-would he take her into the gents or insist on accompanying her into the ladies (the other shoppers might not be exactly overjoyed at either solution).

Or can you simply never take a child of the opposite sex out once they get too old to go into the opposite sex loo? And what about when they start wanting to make their own shopping trips (which around here happens around the age of 11)?

glasjam · 14/11/2009 23:53

I just know there are moments when you are a busy, harried mother when a child being able and willing to take themselves off to the toilet seems a blessed relief. BUT I think you have to exercise some caution when they are 4, 5, 6 possibly 7? I've let my own guard down on this front at the local swimming pool and my 5 year old came out of the toilets talking about older boys doing stuff in the toilets (nothing dodgy but I didn't know for sure exactly what naughtiness those boys were getting up to in there). I realised then that I had probably got a little complacent. Nothing threatining had gone on but it just served as a little reminder to possibly keep my guard up.

verytellytubby · 15/11/2009 09:38

I always go with my 7 year old. I always remember the story from the supermarket last year. Horrific.

Morloth · 15/11/2009 09:46

DS 5 is allowed on his own in a couple of places that we go to all the time.

Our local Nandos is OK for me, but mostly he still gets taken to the loo.

hippipotamiHasLost75lbs · 15/11/2009 09:51

Ds started going on his own when he was around 8. I stayed near the door though... Nowadays (he is 10) he goes on his own if in a restaurant.
Dd is nearly 7. I don't let her go on her own just yet. Probably won't for a few years. It just feels different with girls, they actually have to partially strip off and sit down, taking longer adn leaving them more 'exposed' adn less likely to make a run for it / defend themselves should the worst happen. Whereas ds could theoretically make a run for it with his flies undone and he is not hemmed into a cubicle if only doing a wee...