to not want/allow my DC to play with this child

[faddle]

Have name changed for obvious reasons!
DC is 5 years old, likes to play with another child who is several months younger, who lives a few houses down from us. I am very concerned that the other DC's mother does not seem to know where her DC is for quite a lot of the time, and I just feel that they are too young to be out on the street without supervision. Frequently the other child turns up on my doorstep and asks if my LO is playing. I invite him in, and some time later (usually 1+ hours), the mum knocks on the door not even slightly worried, asking if her child is with us. Now I'm getting a bit fed up of this as I wont let my DC go to play at the other childs house as I know they will be out on the street within minutes with no supervision (has happened a lot) Because of this I feel that the only way I can have them play is to have them at my house, which I dont think is fair as why should I have kids round trashing my house all the time?

What should I do? I dont want to stop kids playing together as not the kids fault, but I really dont think that its ok leaving a child who is only 4 roaming the streets for hours at a time with no idea where they are.

I just dont know what to do - I worry for the child, and I'm upset from my side too as feel awful, but just trying to protect my DC.

I'd feel the same way if I were you. I think if you're okay with the child himself, then you'll probably just have to put up with having him at your house. Better a trashed house than your DS getting run over.

I'd rather have the 4 year old playing at my house than be roaming the streets TBH.

Of course YABU, or you wouldn't have namechanged!!!

Firstly - it's not the child's fault that you don't approve of his upbringing.

Secondly, I am not sure exactly why you want to stop your son playing with this boy - what does it matter where they play really. Would you really deprive your son of a friend over something so trivial???

Thirdly, it's petty of you to stop them playing together just because you have some notion of unfairness because they are always at yours.

YANBU with regard to not wanting your son to play at their house if you believe that they are not being supervised properly.

tryharder - I have namechanged in case childs mother is a mumsnetter, recognises herself in my description, and is offended - as people have pointed out, its none of my business how she brings up her child, I dont want to broach the subject with her in person, was just wanting to get others opinions on my particular problem with it.
And for the record, they are playing daily, and the other child does tend to be quite a handful, is always wanting to play out in the street, and does not take any notice when I say no, I dont want my DC playing out in the street because I dont have the time to stand and watch them, I do have to work and also have a house to run and a younger child to care for.

YANBU, and your choices seem pretty clear. Either allow the other child in or say no, not today when he comes to ask. If you think he's hard work then maybe this will be a welcome change anyway. But of course you will not then be able to rely on him to entertain your child - that's the drawback.

If his mother asks why, explain in a calm and straightforward way that you feel worried about unsupervised play outside. I think letting such young children play outside near a street unsupervised is nuts. You've got to stand up for your own choices and boundaries as a parent - this sort of thing is bound to arise again. We cut off one little friend when DC was 3 because I couldn't stand his aggressive behaviour. It was uncomfortable as the mum took it very badly and DC missed him, but hey, I'm the grown-up.

YANBU I have stopped (made excuses) my kids going to kids houses when I know they are allowed to roam the streets or whose parents don't watch them at all. Mine didn't play out till much older than 5. If kids keep mithering at the door just keep making excuses, they soon get fed up!! Don't feel you have to invite them in all the time.

My eldest wasnt allowed to play out till he was 8!!
and although we live in a close, we have service road that leads to, council owned, block of garages behind us, where there is also access to a feild where people walk their dogs etc
I just wasnt comfortable letting him play out when I didnt know who was about.

yanbu

children of 4 shouldnt play in/on streets

tbh i dont think any children need to play in the road,what is wrong with a garden/bedroom?

i always have children playing outside my house and drives me insane,as they are screaming/shouting and always unsupervised - and these are sometimes as young as 3/4

so you can either have child at yours or say to the mum that you dont want your dc to play on street so if they go to her house to stay there or for mum to bring your dc back to you

YANBU to not want your child playing out on the road.

YABVU to stop the other child playing at your house on the basis that this will not be reciprocated in a manner in which you approve.

I don't see why this should be an issue.

If you want your child to have friends, then let their friends in your house. If the friend then says they want to leave your house/garden to play in the street, then you say your child isn't allowed to play in the street so will not be coming with them. It is then up to the child if they leave.

Having another child to play at your house is not a favour to the child's mother, it is a favour to your child.

good on you for not letting your child play on the road!
it's great that your child has friends who often like to play with him/her, but it doesn't have to be such a regular event. maybe you could work out good times for your child to have friends over to play, and explain to your child that there are also times when they can't have friends over?
also if your neighbour's child doesn't listen to you appropriately then you could ask him to listen or leave.
when my son has friends over i ask them all to tidy up before the friends go home. if they make excuses then we talk about it next time they come over before they start playing

YANBU I'm on your side Faddle

YANBcompletelyU and I can see why you are a bit peeved - but I don't think you should stop your DC playing with this boy because of it. While it is not your business how this boy is brought up or allowed to wander, you would probably feel horribly guilty if anything happened to him while he was playing in the street when he could have been playing safely with your DC.

Not that that in itself should be a reason to allow him to play with your DC - but while they get on well, why deprive your DC?

YANBU I wont let my sis have my DC without me because of that very same reason but I'd have her DC anytime. Maybe cut back some time and say no if you don't feel like having him. If mother asks just say your DC is not ready to be playing near the road just yet. Maybe take you DC out more - or get the mother and son to go on some play dates out at parks or play centres - save your house getting trashed.

Well child is here again this afternoon, has been here 1.5 hours now, I havent told mum that their DC is with us, and they havent asked. I came home to find them waiting on my doorstep. When I asked DC if their mum knew where they were they replied "its ok my mum says I'm allowed to play outside"

Yes, I'd agree with the OP.

If your DC enjoys the other child's company I would continue to have him over, though.
Can the 'trashing your house' bit be addressed?

My youngest has a friend who is frequently here as at the friend´s house, the little sister is allowed to play with if she wants, so they come here to avod that.

There is no "trashing" though, and I´d rather have them here playing together as they want than being forced to entertain the younger sister.

If your child is not being appropriately cared for when he's not with you, then you must take steps to remedy it. If it means he only sees his friend when the other boy visits, at times that are convenient to you, I can't see any other option.

I have experience of this too, I can't leave my child at my best friends, because I don't feel she will be properly supervised. I love my friend but I can't believe how lax she is.