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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be told what to buy for Xmas?

28 replies

NoseyNooNoo · 13/11/2009 22:54

My family are low on real warmth and bothering to spend time together or even telephone but big on the importance of presents, as though they signify the true depth of our love for each other.

This week my sister (who I last spoke to in February , when I phoned her) texted me to tell me the 2 items I should buy for her son and the 1 item I should buy for her daughter.
I don't mind buying for her son although he will only thank me when I call him. I had no intention of buying something for my niece; she is 21, I haven't seen her for almost 3 years and she hasn't thanked me for Xmas and birthday presents for many years. Both sets of presents will require receipts enclosed.

I looked for the 2 items for my nephew but they are not for sale yet so e-mailed my sister to tell her this along with a reminder that she is invited here for Xmas. She texted me back telling me what I should get instead - no 'thank you', no 'please' and still no acknowledgement of my invitation.

AIBU to not want to be told who to buy for? AIBU to not want to be told what I should buy since I'd like to choose myself (I'm honestly not that bad at buying)?
AIBU to not want the build up to Xmas to be stressful due to needing to buy exactly the right thing and being cheesed off that there is no surprise element. Why not buy it themselves and I'll send them a cheque for it?

OP posts:
Firawla · 13/11/2009 22:55

Yanbu they sound very rude
I'd feel tempted to get them nothing if that's their attitude tbh

Boys2mam · 13/11/2009 23:07

I think this is the horror/ideal situation for Christmas though...

...I get bombarded with "what shall I get for DS1 and DS2" when I spend ages thinking of things for my recipients (it sounds so clinical but I mean presents for the family members I buy for )

i just want left alone to buy thoughtful gifts for the people I love enough to be arsed with

hanaflower · 13/11/2009 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoseyNooNoo · 13/11/2009 23:09

I understand that - it is good to be given a 'steer' on what to buy. I just resent the assumption that despite minimal communication all year I have been told what to buy and for whom.

OP posts:
JTGPsmummy · 13/11/2009 23:10

Agree with Firawla, I would be tempted to get nothing. Or if you still feel that you must, then get something YOU want to get and tough to what your sister wants.

My aunt and her kids are all about show with no warmth etc. They go way over the top with presents but they don't really all get on together. I don't see why you should buy your niece. I hate not getting thank yous. My sister is 12 (very spoilt and thinks shes an adult) and I have never had a thank you from her and I didn't get her a birthday present this year as I was so fed up. Then when I went on holiday (not abroad) first thing she says to me was "did you get me a present?" When I said no we didn't buy any, do you think we are made of money, she turned around and said, "oh but you can afford to buy carpets, a kitchen and go on holiday"! This is from a 12 year old. I get really pissed off with things like this and find it incredibly rude. I have saved for years to have these things (and they were all on the cheap) and I resent a 12 year old thinking she can speak that way.

Sorry got totally off the point, but people like that wind me up. YANBU at all.

displayuntilbestbefore · 13/11/2009 23:13

YANBU at all

They should be grateful to receive any present, not dictate what you SHOULD be buying them - family or not, they're not ENTITLED to presents!
It also really spoils it for people who enjoy choosing certain presents for certain people and taking the time to choose something you know they'd really like (I like to choose things rather than just buy what I've been asked for) if they then call you up and say what they think you should buy. V rude imo.

TigerLightsitandscarpers · 13/11/2009 23:14

Buy them all charity presents - Goats, loos, condoms, mango trees, whatever. They are completely out of order in their "requests". Bit different if kids are small and family close but this is bonkers. Best present I ever got my MIL was a virtual goat.

Original poster
NoseyNooNoo · 13/11/2009 23:22

I love the charity idea! I might do that for my niece - just a shame I wouldn't be able to see her outraged face.

Hee, hee, I'm off to find something now...

OP posts:
TigerLightsitandscarpers · 13/11/2009 23:26

Good!

You'll have spent the requisite amount of dosh on them (possibly more, cos' you'll think,"oh, I can buy a cow - how fitting").

They have a present they can't possibly complain about without looking dangerously bonkers.

Sorted.

displayuntilbestbefore · 13/11/2009 23:30

How about giving her this?

displayuntilbestbefore · 13/11/2009 23:32

or look on here

borderslass · 14/11/2009 09:03

YANBU I stop buying nieces and nephews once their 16 but my sisters would never even suggest what to buy unless I asked I'm now on to great niece and nephew.

bluejeans · 14/11/2009 09:32

Buy them this

ellokitty · 14/11/2009 09:48

I think it depends on family culture. Some families have the culture where it is the norm to ask and buy specific presents, other families have the culture where you choose the present for the recipient. I think both cultures have got their positives and negatives. Whilst it is nice for people to choose what they want to give - the drawbacks are that it relies on the person knowing the recipient well and having the ability to buy something appropriate. If this is not done, or there are duplicates, then this system has the danger of leading to wasted / unwanted presents, which in my view is a shame - a waste for the person who spent their hard earned cash, only for it to go down the charity shop, and also environmentally unfriendly by buying stuff that is not actually needed / wanted.

On the other hand, the culture of giving people does solve these problems and ensure that all presents given are actually wanted, will get used and will not be wasted, but it does deny the 'giver' the joy of choosing and may seem over clinical.

I can see the advantages / disadvantages to both and I don't think either system is the 'right' way. If your sister is in the culture where they specify the presents they'd like to receive, then I assume that you are also able to do the same - so I would probably just go along with the culture, but then specify my child's presents. However, the time I find this problematic is when you get hypocrites who expect to specify what they want to receive but then want to be able to choose for other people. That's when I get narky!

ellokitty · 14/11/2009 09:49
  • Giving people what the specifically ask for ...

Sorry, left that out!

goandshowdaddy · 14/11/2009 10:04

YANBU - I hate this. Perhaps either not bother buying them anything or just choose them something small and unoffensive - maybe a bottle of wine or chocs!

My SIL gives us a list of things she wants every year (not cheap stuff either) but never ever asks for ideas of what we'd like from her. It drives me mad, but tbh I've decided that it's easier just to get her what she wants rather than waste time thinking of presents for her which she won't be grateful for (and will turn her nose up at when she opens them!).

At my first family Christmas with the inlaws she said to my MIL 'what've you bought me this for - you might as well take it back' on opening a small token gift. I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude. She was about 32 at the time so not even got the excuse of teenage stroppiness!

Sorry, went on about myself there but it really does annoy me - why can't people just be grateful - isn't it the thought that counts???!

groundhogs · 14/11/2009 10:09

yep, buy the cow, buy the cow, buy the cow!!!

JustAsWelliLikeLego · 14/11/2009 10:16

I have a big family, don't see them much but buy for the young kids and always a surprise gift. Sod all that request stuff - I have always hated that and have told my family I do not do it.

I do not expect gifts back for my DS as some of my family cannot afford it and that is absolutely fine with me and them but I think they should give a thank you which is not always forthcomimg.......(in the case where they were away and got gifts when returned - I live far away)That irks me.

So YANBU and I love the gift suggested by bluejeans

JustAsWelliLikeLego · 14/11/2009 10:19

I should ask I buy a surprise gift after asking what their interests are and try to tailor it

ruddynorah · 14/11/2009 10:19

eugh i have this with dh's family. by september i have to have provided all the family with a wish list, usually on elc or amazon. they then tell me what they're getting dd (and now ds) and issue me with a cheque for that item. i/dh then buy the item.

don't like it, but dh insists it's the way his family do it. fair enough.

Wineonafridaynight · 14/11/2009 11:50

YANBU.

I would politely suggest to your sister that maybe gifts should stop at 18/21. My family in general tend to do this - otherwise you just end up buying generations and generations presents - when does it ever stop?! Also when your niece doesn't seem grateful I can see even more why it would upset you.

Could you email your sister about your nephew and say 'I found somethign else instead that I thought he would like so got that'.

alicet · 14/11/2009 14:36

We exchange emails of suggestions - our 2 boys have so many toys I think relatives appreciate the ideas (and have often asked first) but I certainly wouldn't be put out if they got something that wasn't on the list - giving the ideas is just suggestions and not a demand!

YANBU and I would do what wineoneafriday suggests. I would also ask her again if she is coming at Christmas and put a deadline on her letting you know - maybe 'I need to know by the end of the month so I can make plans - if I haven't heard from you I will presume you aren't coming and make other plans'

girlywhirly · 14/11/2009 16:00

I stopped buying gifts for relatives a while back - not that I was given any lists of things to buy. It was a real release not to buy any more, especially when most never keep in touch (although we're talking about cousins here as no close family still alive now.) I think the fact that I was always the one to phone them that annoyed me most!

Yanbu about any of it. I have to disagree about following a family's culture of not keeping in touch/seeing each other and lavishing gifts instead. It obviously doesn't make you happy, so why continue? Will they make more effort to see you on the strength of the present they wanted from you and got? I doubt it. Say you're stopping gifts after age 18 or 21.

Talk on the phone to your sister so that she cannot ignore when you repeat the invitation to have Christmas at yours, and ensure she understands this is the last time of asking, give her a date to reply by, after which you will assume she isn't coming. I think that emails and texts are really easy to forget about once read, and speaking directly to a person gets a better response.

Devote yourself to your own family's gifts and preparations. Your feelings are just as important as your relatives'.

Original poster
NoseyNooNoo · 17/11/2009 23:11

Well tonight my sister has sent a very curt e-mail asking me to confirm the purchase of the requested gifts so that she can cross them off the list - the fecking cheek of it, and still no confirmation that she's coming here for Christmas or not; perhaps I need to send her the petrol for the journey in a nice gift wrapped jerry-can.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 17/11/2009 23:15

Blimey - just tell her that you've seen something else that's perfect, so it'll be a Lovely Surprise for all of them. And what a shame you won't be seeing her this year. [evil]