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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about dummies?

27 replies

WinkyWinkola · 13/11/2009 15:34

I don't like dummies. I never have and don't want to use them for my dcs. I just think they're 'orrible.

My dd is 2½ years old. She's always liked dummies. She's once had two of her own (bought by my dh despite my protests) but I got rid of them pretty quickly.

She takes them off other kids whenever she can.

Dh is on paternity leave and has just been shopping with her. He's bought her a dummy "because she wanted one and she obviously gets great comfort from them."

I think she's too old now anyway and I'm annoyed because he's now created a situation where I'm going to have to take the dummy away if not now at some point in the future causing her more strife and tears that could have been avoided.

Why has he done this? He's such a Father Christmas dad, bestowing gifts on the dcs all the time and then I'm the bad cop, having to restore some normality when he goes off to work etc. I explained to him that I didn't think dummies are a good idea but he just goes ahead and buys her one anyway.

OP posts:

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 13/11/2009 15:38

I'm with you in not liking them at all. Can't understand buying one for a child as old as your Dd at all. Your Dh is making unnecessary problems for you and your Dd IMO. Not sure what you can do now. Thin k I'd bin it and have serious talk with Dh.

yayitstheweekend · 13/11/2009 15:39

I don't think that you are being unreasonable, she's 2 and she doesn't need a dummy perhaps find an alternative comforter for her but I'd also put up with the tantrums and take the dummy away from her before she gets too attached. Alternatively there's also the possibility that it's a novelty which will wear off quickly. I say this as someone who has no problem at all with dummies for small babies, for my first they were a necessary evil.

Pingpong · 13/11/2009 15:40

I don't like dummies either but my DD is a right wee sooky thing so I gave in and got her dummies. I have now revised my thinking on them but don't like to see older toddlers with a dummy in their mouth. I think that now your DD is 2 1/2 it seems pretty late to be buying her more dummies - I hope to be phasing it out by then. I think your DH is being a PITA

fillybuster · 13/11/2009 15:42

I'm with you...I'm willing (not exactly happy, but willing) to use them when my dcs are very very little (sub 5 months) but thats it! Why create a situation with a 2.5 yo at the age when all but the most hardened dummy addicts are finally giving up theirs? More to the point, you obviously need to have some firm words with your dh

castille · 13/11/2009 15:44

The problem isn't with dummies.

You and your DH disagree on an issue that concerns your DD. You need to discuss it and agree on dummy/no dummy in a more grown up way, I think.

lovechoc · 13/11/2009 15:44

I used one as a last resort for DS when he was a baby, he is 2 and a half now and only has one at night for sleeping. I don't like dummies either, think they are horrible looking. Even worse in toddlers! DS is coping well all day without one, just have to coax him out of having one at night now....

Your DH should have more sense, really. You have to be on the same side as each other. At this age, they pick up on one having a different POV about dummies, from the other.

StealthPolarBear · 13/11/2009 15:49

i agree with you
DS had a dummy but stopped using it at about 7 months. He's 2 1/2 now, and tries to suck his baby sister's dummies (in a playful way, same as he lies in her basket) but we stilll try to discourage him

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 13/11/2009 15:50

YANBU. Your DH is undermining you & then making you look like the bad guy when you have to take the dummy away from your DD. That's not fair & I think you need to tell him this. She's coped this long without having a dummy regularly so she certainly shouldn't need one now.

I absolutely detest dummies, but also know that in some cases, parents have to give them to their little ones to help them settle. My DS1 never had a dummy, although I did buy a pack of 2 "just in case". Same with DS2 although because he was quite colicky to start with I did relent & let him have one for a few weeks. He only had it a couple of times a day so it was easy to get rid of.

I think your DH is causing problems by letting DD have a dummy at 2.5 tbh. Tell him it's HIS turn this time to take it away from her because you're fed up of being the bad guy. Tell him to think about what it will do to her teeth if she gets used to one now. Might make him think twice about getting her any more.

Original poster

WinkyWinkola · 13/11/2009 15:53

Anyone got any research on dummies, please?

I've had countless calm chats with dh about this and I really don't know any other grown up way to go about this.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/11/2009 15:57

Get him to talk to your/her dentist about dummies. Don't know if there has been any research but dentists usually hate them.

ginnybag · 13/11/2009 16:17

I think there's evidence that they damage speech development and they are definitely bad for the teeth/general oral structure and hygiene. The constant pressure will actually reshape the line of the teeth and the gums, as well as stretching and flattening the tongue, if they're used for too long - which then leads to a need for braces to correct overbites etc as they get older. I'll see if I can find the research on this to back it up. It's been a while since I looked into this.

Agree, though, that you are NBU and that you definately need to speak to your DH. If this is something he does a lot, buying her things and spoiling her, you're creating a good parent/bad parent situation that'll cause hell further down the road. Nip it in the bud now.

If all else fails - wait till he expresses a real dislike of something and buy it anyway. Then tell him to get rid if he doesn't like it. He might change his tune when the shoe is on the other foot!

ginnybag · 13/11/2009 16:19

www.babyworld.co.uk/features/dummy.asp

Here, this should help!

ginnybag · 13/11/2009 16:20

www.babyworld.co.uk/features/dummy.asp

Sorry! Try that again!

megapixels · 13/11/2009 16:22

He bought a dummy for a 2 1/2 year old who's never used one habitually?! YANBU of course! He's just being silly.

bigpreggybelly · 13/11/2009 16:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He should be supporting you in all aspects of discipline, not completely undermining it by giving your daughter things that you don't think she should have.

I also think she is too old for a dummy and I hate the things too. There's nothing worse than to see a beautiful baby half obscured by this hideous looking piece of plastic!

madwomanintheattic · 13/11/2009 16:39

i'm fairly neutral about the whole dummy thing (dd2 was born without a suck/ swallow or gag reflex, and they are often used in scbu in an attempt to encourage a weak or non-existent suck), but agree that dh is being a pita. it is quite normal for 2 1/2 year olds to want one though - all three of mine have developed an instant attraction for dummies at about that age. there are usually lots of new babies at eye level, and toddlers always want what the new baby's got (whether it's your new baby or anyone else's lol).

it doesn't mean you need to give in, obviously, although dh has obviously not grasped that concept. a withering look and a 'who exactly is the adult here?' normally suffices in these parts. interesting that he wants to keep her a baby whereas you want her to grow up though - you definitely have differing expectations of what being 2 1/2 means...

anyways, good luck with dh

slushy06 · 13/11/2009 16:41

I hate dummies however dd 4 mths has found a lovely way round that thumb sucking although have to say it helps she will settle herself to sleep with it.

I think your dh has been unreasonable and should not have gone out and got one against your wishes regardless of your dd age if he really disagreed he should have discussed it with you when she was younger his actions seem sneaky.

lockets · 13/11/2009 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sayithowitis · 13/11/2009 16:54

Well, if your dd is so desperate to have a dummy, can it really hurt for a few weeks? I don't understand how it is that you seem to think your views on this should automatically override your Dhs? surely this is something to decide together?

FWIW, both my DCs had a dummy from a very young age. They were happy to give them up without any fuss once we felt they had served their purpose. Neither of my DCs has had any problems with their teeth at all. ( Both now grown up) yet my DSis and her dcs, all thumb suckers, have had problems with front teeth which, according to their dentist, were cause by thumbsucking as young children. all have required braces to correct this.

I have also read some reports that research in new Zealand, has shown that babies who sleep with a dummy are less likely to suffer SIDs as the dummy helps to keep the airways open.

Firawla · 13/11/2009 17:01

yanbu as she is way too old, its not the time to buy them and start giving it to her now at all, and as you said it will be left to you to take it back off her when dh made the problem in the first place.
i think dummies are okay for young babies though

ellokitty · 14/11/2009 13:39

I agree with Castille. I think the issue is not the dummy, but your disagreement on parenting. You seem to assume that your word is final, and that although your dh disagrees with you, he must fall in line with what you are saying. That said, he is being sneaky doing it behind your back!

As he is equally your DDs parent, shouldn't he also have a say as to whether she has a dummy or not? Have you two actually sat down and agreed what you are going to do with dummies and the like? Talk through the issue and come to an agreement together.

Also, what are his reasons why? Does he seem to think that your DD is feeling insecure after the birth of a new baby? Some firstborns (mine included) resent becoming the big sister and want babying again, including wanting a dummy (despite not having had one for months) - maybe he feels the same about your DD. Incidentally, even if she does feel that, I'm not sure it is the best solution - and we didn't let DD1 have one again, but I should imagine he has got his reasons!

Finally, you need to come to a decision based on facts about dummies. Not giving a dummy to a baby because you don't like the look of them is quite irrational, and to see it from another perspective, parents who do this could be seen as putting their own sense of aesthetics (Not liking the look of a dummy) over and above the happiness of their baby (if they get comfort from a dummy). But do your research, weigh up the pros and cons and agree a decision together. Then there will be no need for any sneakiness!

And finally, my understanding from my friend who is a prof of dentistry (he trains dentists) is that his professional opinion is that dummies are preferable to thumb sucking because dummies are usually gone before they can do any damage to grown up teeth. They also tend to do less damage than thumb sucking. But, I understand Speech Therapists dislike them if overused. The situation is far from clear on this!

ellokitty · 14/11/2009 13:40

P.S. Just to clarify, I wouldn't give a child of that age a dummy either!

diddl · 14/11/2009 13:45

Neither of mine had a dummy.
Second never sucked thumb.
First was born early & next day was sucking thumb in incubator.
I often wonder if it was boredom/loneliness.

lilyjen · 14/11/2009 13:49

YNBU as it's silly to give a child that age a dummy when she's gone this far without one, it will just create hassle.
However, i'm not against dummies altogether and I think each to their own.
My DD had a dummy untill she was 3 and then she left it for father christmas' baby reindeer but she was not allowed to walk about with it and it stayed in her bed. She started sucking her thumb when the dummy went and now she's 6 she still sucks her thumb and may do for some time! That's even harder to control and the dentist is concerned about her teeth as they are pushing forward at the top. I don't know what to do about that one though tbh

girlsyearapart · 14/11/2009 14:36

yanbu- it's way too old to start having one now. I would take it off her now not let her have it even for a few weeks.

I don't like dummies as they're often mis used eg people who let their kids run about/talk with them in as huge toddlers.

It looks horrible, is no longer a comfort(why when they're playing??) more a habit and if they fall with them in they can knock out their teeth.

Dd2 has one but it's only used for sleep time nothing else.

Dd1 has a rather feral comfort blanket which is only used for sleep time too.

Maybe you could let her choose a toy or something instead? or her own dolly to look after?

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