to think that this woman needs to step up to the mark?

[juicy12]

Not sure how this one will sit, cos I know being judgemental is possibly the worst thing on MN, but here goes...

I was at the hospital with DS today and while we were in the children's ward, another family arrived with their DS, who must have been 3, possible 4yo. He'd had a bad asthma attack and obviously this wasn't the first one he'd had. He looked pretty unwell and sounded quite wheezy. So, we were in the playroom and overheard the following btw little boy's mum and the doctor:
doc - does anyone in your house smoke?
mum - only my partner, but he just smokes in one room, not in front of DS. DS sees my parents alot, too, and they smoke in their house.
doc - Obviously you know that smoking exacerbates the asthma, do you also know that people shouldn't go near your DS for an hour after smoking?
mum - well, no-one's ever told us that, I didn't know that. Right.

Now, if you've got a DC with a chronic illness like asthma, aren't you going to do all in your power to help them and certainly not make things worse by exposing them to something that everyone knows will make it worse? AIBU in thinking that this woman is failing her little boy here? Made me feel really sad for him.

YANBU. Selfish, selfish, selfish is all i can say about parents who smoke. To do so when a child has chronic asthma is just sick. Dress it up, dress it down but it is abuse, pure and simple.

my dh used to smoke out in the back garden NEVER inside the house as i have asthma , when ds was diagnosed with asthma when he was 2yrs old dh threw away his packet of cigarettes that day & has never smoked since, didn't know about the 1 hour after rule tbh .
i agree with posieparker

I have Asthma and I didn't know that. So I certainly wouldn't judge the mum on that.

So maybe the partner should smoke outside. It wouldn't be possible to keep him away from ds for an hour after each cigarette.

My mum and dad smoke in their house. I let my dds go there. My mum will smoke outside when they are there, but my dad refuses. That's his right. It's his house. I would never stop my dd's visiting. They love their gp's and they love going there.

I'd also like to know why you are listening to confidential conversations between Doc's and patients and then writing about them on the internet???

BTW, lots of things other than smoke can set off an asthma attack, illness/dust/pet hair/pollen/feathers/exercise/certain foods/aerosols etc Is the mum failing her ds if she doesn't keep him away from all of that too? Perhaps you could buy her a bubble for her son to live in?

I'm glad someone else posted about wondering why on earth it's the mum's fault that the dad hasn't given up smoking.

SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU?

Who knew??!!!!

It'll be those pesky cats. They're the real killers.

I find it truly weird that people take their dcs to places where when they leave they stink of smoke. My mother used to smoke but not in her house once I had dcs....

I can't stop other people on the road when I'm driving but I do not speed and my dcs are always in carseats, I minimise any risk I can to avoid an accident.

I'm also sure if my any of myn dcs had asthma they wouldn't have feather pillows, I would have a nice allergy meile vacuum, I wouldn't have pets, I wouldn't allow them to eat any foods that could make it worse, I wouldn't use aerosoles and they would exercise as much as they could/should*. Isn't that normal?

• all the things I do anyway.

YANBU

YABU and horribly judgemental. I hate smoking but to say that a mother is failing her child because her partner smokes is a really stinky thing to say. My mother smoked and still does: I hate her doing it and wish she'd stop but I certainly don't think she's failed me as a parent.

Another anti smoking thread ..not had one for oh must be a week [rolls eyes]

YANBU, I have asthma, and just walking past a smoker in the street can set off an attack - what would it be like having a smoker in the same house?

Having an attack can be absolutely terrifying, and to know a possible reason for it happening, and not act upon it is, IMO, criminal

but this mother knows her ds is effected by smoking & still she has him living with a smoker then that is a form of negligence imho

No exercising/becoming breathless can cause an asthma attack. Do you vacuum everywhere all of the time? If not then I doubt a Meile would solve all allergies. All it means is that it doesn't blow any dust out like some vacuums do.

I wasn't saying that the mum shouldn't do what is reasonably possible to protect her ds from smoke .

Nor was I saying that cats are killers Just that the asthma attack could have been brought on by any number of reasons. Not necessarily the smoke.

I am highly amused at the fact you all seem to think she is a child abuser. A tad hysterical no? She is not forcing cigarettes down his throat. The partner leaves the room. Yes that's not good enough, he should go outside, but he is not offering up his cigs to share with the ds is he? That would be abuse. This is not. Not great parenting either, but definately not abuse.

'but this mother knows her ds is effected by smoking & still she has him living with a smoker then that is a form of negligence imho' - What do you propose that she do then? Leave her partner and refuse him access? Yes it would be so much better for the ds to have an absent father and a miserable mother wouldn't it.

She probably has asked to him to quit and he either can't or won't.

Also why is it the mum who is failing her ds?

My ds gets viral asthma, not quite the same but the parents are not doing everything possible to help their child.

They are causing scarring to their dcs lungs, possibly, aren't they? Why not call it abuse? If they gave him scratches on his forearm we'd say abuse, no?

BTW, I hadn't mentioned abuse.

I let my children eat sweets. I know that sweets are bad for them. Is that abuse?

I never said you did Posie, but some posters have.

shiny - but her ds's asthma is bad enough to land him in hospital then she has a responsibility to make sure his asthma is under control & not to put his life in danger by living with a smoker .
if her dp wont give up smoking for the child's health sake then yes they probably would be better off with out him .

I've said that it should be criminal, so I suppose that means me, but I stand by it, as I have had asthma since I was 7, and even now, a bad attack still feels as though I'm going to die.
To put a little boy in that situation, and not do everything in your power to help him is disgusting!

If this AIBU was about a mother's DP shouting repeatedly at a 3/4 yo boy, you'd all shout out for a SW.
Asthma can leave as much physical and mental trauma as real abuse, and if anything can be done, it should be.

The mother should at the very least be sending her DP outside for his smokes, not letting him inflict this on the little boy. - she is his mother FGS, if she's not going to try to protect him, who will?

Tell that to the family courts.

If any mother refused contact because her children's father was a smoker, the judge would look extremely askance at her.

If the child had severe asthma, I don't think they would.

seaglass, judges routinely order children to be sent to stay with fathers who have a record of DV, sometimes against the children. Do you honestly think they would care about smoking?

JANEITEluddite if your child was diabetic and shouldn't eat sweets then yes it's pretty shocking.

Why is anyone mentioning family courts?

Because people keep saying she should divorce her husband - as if that would stop him from smoking around the kid.

Ah! okay.