to think 3 is too young for all this social shite?

[WenisLicker]

I thought I had years, at least 7! Before I had to start worrying about birthday parties and such. A 3yo at my DS's preschool came out today, ran straight into his Mums arms sobbing that 'johnnie' hadn't invited him to his party. I didn't even think they had birthday parties at this age! Now I'm wondering how many parties my DS hasn't been invited too and why.

I'm quite a rational person, but this little boy was so sad, they're too small and lovely to have deal with that (mum looked just as heartbroken) I doubt my DS would even understand the situation but still.

Kerala - I meant nothing by my comment about SAHPs, I was simply wondering out loud if that could be the reason why people were incredulous about 3 year olds having parties, when in my experience it was totally the norm. I'm sure SAHPs do meet up with other friends and children a lot, I never suggested they didn't, I merely made the assumption that they probably wouldn't meet the same people 3 days every single week (ie like my DS met the same children 3 days every week at nursery). And whilst he probably didn't have friends at 8 months, by the time he reached 3 and had spent more than 2 years with them, they most definitely were friends.

I also have the same view as pisces that it tends to scale back down after about 7 and they revert to a couple of friends and an activity, rather than a party.

I was thinking of some friends with a PFB of 6 month old who told me sternly how important it was that he went to nursery to meet friends and socialise . Found that quite funny - networking babies. Mine were more interested in their own toes at that age than other children.

Q&A - I am being a bit naughty and taking the piss a little bit on this thread but I totally agree that birthday parties are brilliant and all kids should have them . What I find incredibly odd/sad/alien
is the expectation that 3rd birthdays involve soft play, 4th parties are at the gym etc - as if there is some sort of sacred birthday party organising etiquette that one must adhere to. And from those parental expectations evolve sad little kids who are led to believe that huge, expensive birthday parties and invitations to those huge expensive birthday parties are vital for social success.

Sassy, it is the norm, but some parties are still held at home and these are enjoyed every bit as much as the soft play ones. The thing about the gym/soft play, is that the parents don't have to "run" the whole thing, that's probably why they're more popular.

Sassy, it is the norm, but some parties are still held at home and these are enjoyed every bit as much as the soft play ones. The thing about the gym/soft play, is that the parents don't have to "run" the whole thing, that's probably why they're more popular.

Ah, now don't get me started on 'soft play' that is the work of the devil and why you would want to spend any day there, let alone a very special one, is beyond me

kitsmummy, I agree with you on the parties starting early. DS1 is friends with 6 other kids (ok, Im friends with the mums, he plays with the kids!)

so far we've had from the others:
2 x 1st birthday in soft play centre
2 x 2nd birthdays at home
1 x 2nd birthday at prom
2 x 2nd birthay at soft play
1 x 2nd birthday in hired church hall
1 x 3rd birthday in soft play
1 x 3rd birthday in hired hall with bouncy castle etc
1 x 3rd birthday in gym

I have had 2 birthday parties for DS1 for his friends, both of which were tea parties at home.

Its getting more competitive already and I just cant afford it (£10 a head most places) and the kids are only just turning 3.

OP, YANBU. Both my boys have been in nursery for over a year, but none of their "friends" there have ever even come to our house, let alone their parties - at this young age I chose to invite my friends with similar aged kids. 3 is so young for the social stuff. But birthday parties go full bang round here from an early age - I am dreading him starting school next September.

I am interested in the issue of competitiveness, where does that perception come from?

Surely it is just doing what suits you and your DC. Foe example:

A tea party is great if you have a small number of friends, parents are happy to make food, children are happy to be inside or a summer birthday.

Hired hall if you have larger family or social group, children like more space, parents are happy to make food. Winter birthday.

Soft play/ organised activity if you don't want everyone at home, don't want to cook, have very active children or large social group.

No party if you don't want or your DC don't want a party.

Easy!

DD certainly went to a number of birthday parties at 3 whilst at nursery. She enjoyed them. She didn't get upset at not getting an invite to someone else's party - we had explained that not everyone can invite everyone all of the time. At 3y she was fine with that.

DD had her first proper party at 3y too. We had 20 children - mix from nursery although mainly it was family friend's children. When DD was littler we also used her birthday as a nice get together for everyone, which worked well.

The number of parties increased at 4y and definitely once she started school. She has just gone into juniors and the 8th birthdays are starting, and their seems to be a split now - some doing parties and some not.

As for a child's reaction - I think most of it depends on how the parents themselves handle it.

Kerrrrist on a bike, how on Earth can a three year old have 'long established friendships????
[Rollmops must lie down]

My DD met her best friend at just turned 2y. So that would be a good year which in child terms s a heck of a long time.

Smokinaces, what is "prom"? Do the 2yo get dressed up in black tie/glamourous frocks and arrive in a limo?
We gave DD parties for her last 2 birthdays 3rd and 4th) the first was at home, and not many people turned up, so we did the second at a soft play place as we thought people would be more likely to come (we got quite a good turnout for that). We don't have family living near so a family-only do would be just the three of us, not very exciting!
Invited 6 from nursery each time, the first 6 names my DD gave me from nursery (double checked with the staff that the names she had given me were actually children, not toys, pets or characters from books!)

One little girl who came to her soft play party had a party herself shortly after and my DD was not invited - we found out because DD had seen someone else with an invite and said "T is having a party, I'm going!" - except the invitation never arrived . I totally didn't care, it meant nothing, we just distracted DD and she forgot about it. We had an invite later in the year from someone who wasn't invited to ours.

In our area it's not a social pressure thing, just people doing stuff for their kids in the best way they can.

Wenis - is this your pfb?

Just wondering, because with my first, at 3 parties and the whole thing just passed her by... but with DD2, it is a totally different ball game. She is coming up for her third birthday and already has been to lots of birthday parties (mostly friends with slightly older children - about 4/5), but she knows full well that you dress up for parties, get party bags and the whole shebang. There is no hiding any of it from her because she has experienced it from taking her big sister to parties and collecting her (and lots of crying that she doesn't get to stay too!). Certainly, at 2... my DD has been talking about her birthday party for months now, whereas DD1 didn't even have a concept of them!

And of course, when there are parties it is inevitable that some children will not be invited. I think the problem is often worse at the preschool age, because at least at school there are 30 children that are to be invited and that's it. Whereas you want to invite less at a preschool party (because the mums come too - so you do need to find a room that can accommodate double the number of children) and they mix with different children all the time, there aren't fixed children at preschool because different children do different days... and also the child may be in more than one type of childcare setting - my DD2 goes to both a child minder and a preschool for example, so has two sets of children to invite. You simply can't invite all of them, but so decisions have to be made!

That said, I find the solution relatively easy - not to have the expectation they will be invited. If ever my DDs have said they've not been invited to a party, I've asked them 'are you best friends with X', usually the answer is no - and then I say, well why would you be invited then? The girls themselves know that on a limited budget, they have to choose their closest friends to their party and that other boys and girls have to do the same. So, they know that if they're not best friends / close friends with that child it is unlikely they will get invited, but see it as a bonus if they do. That way, we've never had upset about not being invited to parties... even though it does happen because my children do not have the expectation they will be invited (unless of course, it was a close friend... but thankfully, their close friends have always invited them, so we've not crossed that bridge yet!)

Rollmops, my 3.5 year old DD has long established friendships - children she has played with 2-3 times a week for years. Ok, when she was younger it might have been more about the mums having a natter, but for at least the last 18 months it has been about playing with her friends. They see each other at playgroups, the park, each other's homes, nursery. We can have breaks and she still chats about them and wants to see them.

Allarm Bells, no sadly nothing that fancy - the prom is the promenade, as in the green patch and swings down by the river

I hated parties when I was little so I don't think that you should assume that all DCs are sad not to be invited-some are relieved!
I think parents can read too much into it-it doesn't mean social rejection. I have lots of friends, but am still not too keen on parties!

I totally understand but it does happen, my dd 2.8 goes to pre school but has no concept of being invited to parties or care for them really, she is just not fussed at the moment thank goodness so i am very pleased. I think that when she is a little older of school age we might have the occasional birthday party, i only ever had one small tea party and never felt deprived. Too much pressure is put on parents to have these big fancy parties. My dd has not asked for one for her birthday so i will not bother, we will invite a few of her friends from mums and babies but thats it.

I feel a real sense of dread when we get a party invite (DD is 3) because the thought of having to stand around with mums I don't know, dads who would rather be anywhere else but there & a room full of over excited children is not my idea of fun! (I realise that is a generalisation & not all parties are like that)

DD & DS both had a "party" this year, both invloved all our family & our close friends who have children anyway so they had play mates but we didn't invite anyone from DDs nursery We also had it in the back garden & just had a casual BBQ.

What has happened to having a party at home these days? Everyone seems to be having parties at soft play/cinema/teddy bear factorys etc - is it no longer socially acceptable to have a party at home with jelly & ice-cream?

I never got invited to many parties and did not have many friends at primary school, but i have some very very good friends both from secondary school and ones that i have made from uni and throughout life. My dd has very little concept of friendships at the moment and does not care for it all which suits me, there is plenty of time for her to do so she is only little. She does have a few friends from outside preschool because i am friends with their mums not because she has chosen them. Chill dont worry, i think of it this way me, the less parties your dc is invited to the less money you spend and less hassel for you. Of course you want your dc to have friends and be invited and to do parties yourself but its no biggy

When dd turns 3 in march i wont invite any kids from pre school as she does not know them and does not form friends at the moment. When the time comes when she is a little older and mabey at school than yes i will invite those friends that she plays iwth the most.

My 4 Dcs have had a party every year from 1 onwards and the eldest is 14 now !

DS is only 2.6yo so doesn't really understand the concept of a 'party'. We'll wait until he is at school before starting all that! We just have a quiet family gathering, less expensive all round - also less stressful!

Norma I totally get where you are coming from. We just have a wee celebration at home, can't understand what's with all the fuss at having parties at soft play centres. What an expense and extra hassle. Each to their own I suppose. When we do parties, they'll be done at home. And the whole nursery class won't be invited, stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Glad I'm not alone then lovechoc I just cannot justify paying out all that money when we could just have a party at home! Both DC are summer babies so lots of BBQs in the back garden, a good game of pass the parcel & jelly & ice-cream - is that really so bad?