to feel like I am really not coping working full time and studying when I can?

[cappy1]

Hi fellow mums,

I have been doing my Phd for what seems like a lifetime (7 years in March 2010 when I will submit). I returned to working 2 days a week after having a year off with ds (2.5 years old) but since then have had to increase my days to four per week as dh has been out of work (apart from a few freelance jobs) since February this year. The fith day is meant to be to finish the Phd but I rarely get that full day because of the way juggling two research projects often goes (meeting/phone calls/other deadlines often fall on that day). My little ds is looked after by my dh for three days and goes to nursery for 2 days a week. But when I am in the house I feel as though and it is probably true that my ds is all over me from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep at night. He is very demanding seems to either be laughing or on the verge of a tantrum - with nothing in between for very long - I really do not get a break unless I go out of the house which I do but feel guilty - like I am running away from it all? AIBU? or is this a normal feeling?

Working when the little one is there is impossible. I know, I'm trying to do an OU course at the moment. Basically, I have a small window between him going down for the night, and me being too tired to think.

Trying to study while he's about is a no-go. For what it's worth, my mum studied as a lone parent when I was a small child. She also did her studying at night when I was asleep, and when she had exams coming up she would arrange for me to go on holiday for a few days or a week with someone else to give her room to concentrate on her work.

In other words, YANBU.

Good luck.

Completely normal. You know you have a deadline and you really want to get it finished after all this time, so maybe you feel slightly irritated by having to do so many other things, hence the guilt. I don't know you, but that's how I felt when I was desperately trying to submit my masters, move continents, bring up two children, battle PND! However I did it, and you will succeed too.

If you need a break, give yourself one. Get your husband to look after ds and go and get your hair cut/massage/go for a swim, whatever floats your boat and then come back and look at everything with fresh eyes. The PhD won't last for ever and neither will ds be at this age for long. You don't have time to feel guilty, so don't. Your feelings are normal. Just concentrate on one thing at a time and before you know you will have submitted and won't know what to do with your time! I started a Spanish course recently because of that very reason! You will be fine, so good luck!

Thanks for the advice - I cannot imagine a time when I will/might have the time to do something else - that Spanish course sounds great! I know I will get through but I do feel as though I am very anxious and always being pulled in different directions. I also feel like I have to give up my social life - or rather tone it down. Is feeling a bit sad at the loss of 'me time' a bad thing? I think I have finally realised that the PhD taking priority means that other things will have to go on hold until it is finished and I feel a bit angry that I CAN HAVE IT ALL!! I am really a bit of a demanding madam at times ( a bit like my wonderful ds I suppose

It's great to know that it is possible to finish a PhD while looking after a baby/child! I've just gone back to mine after some time off with my DD and am finding it hard to find any time to work. I can't even imagine having a job at the same time, although I will have to find one soon.

Do you have an office or something similar at uni? You've been doing this a lot longer than me so I'm probably teaching you how to suck eggs, but couldn't you go there for a set amount of time and work while your DH looks after your DS, so you are officially busy?

In order to alleviate the guilt over your DS, perhaps you could decide on a day/half day each week which is used for quality time just you and him. During this time you allow yourself not to think about the PhD, and similarly during PhD-time you don't think about family stuff?

I think it's probably normal to feel hugely guilty and I'm not sure that it is possible to get rid of that horrible feeling. But your DS will benefit from you having completed a PhD successfully, and the end is in sight, which is amazing.

cappy, you will have to give up some things to do your PhD - because there's only so many hours in the day etc etc. Not really fair to blame that on DS!

This time will pass, just try to keep your eyes on the prize and you'll be glad you did later. At least, that's what I tell myself as a open my OU homework books for another jolly night in with the calculator....

Yes it is in sight and I cannot believe how long it has been in my life - I recently calculated that I have been doing my PhD for longer than I have known my dh (and of course ds . Yes it is a real challenge doing the PhD alongside working and with little ds. I often cannot believe that I am doing it - as I write this and reading back of other posts it just does not seem like it is my life I am writing about. I like the idea of having space to just do one activity PhD or fun with ds or dh but it often feels like the Phd is always in the background as is a demanding toddler - poor dh gets put to the bottom of the list

Can you plan something really nice for your family for when you submit? That way you have two really exciting things to look forward to, and you can concentrate fully on your ds and dh then. Perhaps a trip away to somewhere you both love to go? That will help assuage some of the guilt that you sometimes feel!

March 2010 is hardly any time away at all in PhD time! You are just going to have to put your family life second for a few months and get it finished. If you had a year or more left I would say you should take a break from it, but if you are submitting it in 4 months then just go for it. Do not try and work at home. Go to your research office if you have one, or the university library if you don't. If you can't get to that, go to your local library.

But do not stay in the house and try and write up with a toddler around. They are the greatest ever procrastination tool.

I would not worry about the having it all thing. Most childless people can't combine a job and a PhD. I think it is amazing that you have combined a jog, a thesis and a toddler. It is only 4 months and then you can have a normal life!

job, not jog. I had better go to bed.

I have just submitted my PhD this week . Somehow (no idea how) I have managed this whilst having two children during the course of it. They are now 3 and 1. I also worked part time.

I am absolutely exhausted but just wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done. However - working whilst they are up and about? Never going to work. I used to work when they were asleep or in bed in the evening. I literally had about 5 evenings out in four years but it was the only way I was going to do it. Can you get some quiet time that way? Can you go to the library on the weekends even if only three or four hours? Get some help from somewhere - this is short term and the sooner you do it the sooner it all finishes if that makes sense? A few months in the life of a PhD is nothing - and really those last few months can be so intense. Something has to give somewhere and in the long term it is important for you to have this PhD.

Good luck - it really can work itself out in the end.

thanks everyone for the good advice - yes I have decided that it is only four months away and then I can get on with looking after ds and dh a bit more

Feeling better and a bit more realistic about things

Can you get more strict about not doing research project work on your PhD day? Could you work entirely from the library on that day, for example, so no-one can phone you / drop in / email?

I've found from my own experience that if you announce firmly for about a month that you do not work on Tuesdays, and you are not available on Tuesdays, it does sink in to those around you, and they adjust their plans accordingly.

But I have to say, I'm incredibly impressed that you're working, have a toddler and are doing a PhD!

Stick with it! I felt just like you for the last year of my part-time phd. DH used to lock me in to a room to get on with it, bringing cups of tea at frequent intervals. It worked, finally finished, and glad I did. It took me 8 years, without kids, so well done you! I don't recommend the part-time route, unless you're not working in the field at the same time - so hard as you say to juggle similar projects and you've had enough of work when you finish to have to start same sort again. Good luck!

I've just done an MSc with 2 small kids, a f/t demanding job and a dh away for weeks on end all year round.

It was hard, really hard but I just became ruthlessly organised.Kids in bed at a resonable time, house run like clockwork, nights with grandparents (I am at my best early morning so 4/5 hours at the start of the day represented huge chunk of work.)

I gave up many w/ends, nights nad holidays but I loved it in a masochistic sort of way and now it is done and dusted I am so very proud of myself.

Exercise helped enormously with the stress.Without my aerobics and runnig,I would have gone mental.

I've been there. Small kids, full time job, studying. It's far from easy.

I also found exercise useful - some head space time, and it released endorphins. And TBH gritty determination. Keep picturing the moment that you get there. - imaging how proud you will feel. And what a great example it will give your kids. You really are nearly there now! Chin up, you'll do it!

Oooooh I did not think of exercise - yes that has fallen off the list so must go back to it! Thanks for sharing your stories - it helps. Interesting to hear about the relationship break-down - my marriage is also suffering....

I finished my PhD last summer. Dd was born at then end of my 2nd year then I took a year out, then went back 2 days/week, then 4 - but one of those was Saturdays when dh took care of dd ALL DAY (doing library, swimming, lunch, weekly supermarket shop). Get you dh to give you a whole extra day at the weekend - it's in his interests to get you finished. I know he does 3 days already - but that's no different to any at home parent. Plenty of mums do 5 days/week and more.

It is tough - you just have to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

thanks Acinonyx - well done for finishing!