To fucking hate my dd's father so much Im physically shaking.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Long story but basically out of the blue I had court summonds a few weeks ago, and went to court yesterday. My ex-H wanted a contact order even though for the two years that we have been apart he has had unlimited access! He threw his toys out of the pram as I decided she was too young (2.5) to go away for a week with him.
Anyway.... I offered more than he was asking for in court, the judge said I was being more than ameanable (sp?) and was very impressed with me. He got totally dressed down.
So...I said we could start the midweek contact today, but this morning my DD threw up and has been unwell, so I text him and said maybe tonight needs to be postponed. By this afternoon, she had had a sleep and had perked up, so I text back and said actually it can be back on if you want. When he picked her up, he was so fucking ARROGANT, smirked about how he had 'won', and said that in future if Im going to breach the order he wants to come round and check she is ill as 'you never know as there is nothing wrong with her'.
Fucking arrogant nasty prick, how about 'thanks for being sensible and not making cort difficult, thanks for bringing our daughter up, thanks for paying for everything etc etc'.
I do nothing but make decisions on my dd's behalf and be an adult, he plasters all over facebook that he has won. I didnt even realise it was a fucking competition.
Rant over (but still v.upset and full of hate )

Would it be useful to have a hardcopy of the Facebook postings, should you ever have to go back to court in the future? Just so the judge could see how twunt Ex views access as a competition with you rather than time with DD? Just a thought, given his recoursing to the courts at the drop of a hat.

The situation is obviously still fully charged but it should calm down in time and you will come to enjoy your free time when your dd is with him Good to let off steam every now and again isn't it

Just exhale and leave him to it, honestly- he won't be able to keep winding you up if you give him no reaction.

I can't help much but I thought I would share my experience with you as it is similar - just a little further down the line!

When my ex took me to court it was because he wanted "more control over my actions" (yes the dimwit actually told them that )In the end we left court with....everything I asked for (basically for all to continue as before) and nothing he asked for (full residence, limited contact etc). Once we came out of court he immediatly managed to make it into his victory - people we both new even phoned me to say how sorry they were that I had lost... and so on and so forth.

At great personal cost (lots of gritted teeth, swallowed swear words and plastered on smiles) I managed not to ever engage him on it - in fact from then on I did not really engage him at all, I made it a business relationship where I had to do certain things but did it all on a professional level IYSWIM. I did all my shouting and swearing behind locked and soundproofed doors (there was an awful lot of it at first!) I didn't say anything about him to dd, even during the court case I only corrected her once on something that he had said because she directly asked me about a particular accusation.

So, now dd is coming along towards 16, closer and closer to an adult in lots of ways - and certainly able to see things quite clearly. Her father has started to try to control her the way he tried to control me. She can see him for everything he is. He has lost his little girl because he could not stop playing games long enough to appreciate her - rather than see her as another tool to get at me with. The really sad thing is that he hasn't even noticed yet!

Dd and I now have a very close relationship. I know far more about her life than is usual simply because, by comparison to him, I am a parent who will listen and understand. I am actually quite strict but dd just loves the feeling of freedom she has here, it is really quite sad - and I wonder if he will ever actually notice that she has "emotionally checked out" or if he is too tied into himself to even bother to look!

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, IME small children become intelligent people who can see for themselves what is going. Hard as it is, keeping everything as calm and non-confrontational as you can serves you well. Don't let him walk over you - but don't let him get to you either. Eventually your child will see a father who keeps pushing and niggling at mum and a mother who keeps smiling, keeps her cool and just gets on with what is right. It does take time but children do become aware - and do appreciate all the work that you have put into keeping things right for them.

You have done a brilliant job so far, the longer you keep up the act of being calm and in control the easier it will be IYSWIM. It is not easy dealing with a twunt but you will manage it. You are clearly a fab Mum so just keep it in your head "I am a great Mum and you will not ruin motherhood for me".

Sorry, that became quite a long waffle...

In short - you are doing well, don't let him get to you, thinking he has "won" just shows him up for being an idiot. This is your time to be a mother, do not let him take that away or sour it. In the end he will either chang ehis ways - and all will be well, or he won't and his dc will come to see him for what he is!

Just want to take my hat off to you, OP, and you HeSays, for the extraordinary maturity you have shown in your dealings with your idiot exes.

Thanks everyone, I started this thread really to just let off steam, I didnt want to explode in RL. So thanks for all the understanding and the support, it really has made things easier for me.

Do you trust him to look after her if she is unwell? I am hoping you will say yes. In that case next time I would just text/contact him and let him know and give him the choice.

You are a credit to your daughter for supporting her relationship with her father. btw she knews its you that makes her happy

You poor thing.

I would go so far as to say that you need to cut out any mutual friends. This may sound drastic to some. But I've been where you are now and I've felt that rage and hate.

I don't want people in my life who have any loyalty or friendship with my x. It's not possible. It's not workable. It would only add unnecessary stress to my life and make worse those feelings of 'he won that point'. I don't need it. YOU don't need it. The World is full of people you can be friends with. I'm guessing you're very young too. YOu have your whole life ahead of you. Don't hang on to casual acquaintances who are loyal to him or friends with him.

Second thing to do..... dehumanise him. This is very hard at first, but ultimately it's the most insulting way to behave towareds x. Don't defend yourself, don't reason with him, don't speak to him, don't text him, don't email him, don't ask after him, don't listen to gossip about him.

Literally, stick to the access shedule as much as possible and discuss nothing but that, and if you have a member of family who can handle the handovers for you then ask them. TIME TO CALL IN THIS FAVOUR.

Can your Mum, Dad, brother, sister, mutual 'friend' do the handovers?

The friend who passed on gossip about him, would she be prepared to spare you the nightmare of being in the same room as him??

He may never 'get' it. That he's an arsehole, that it's not about winning, blah blah.... You'll never get him to sit there scratching his chin thinking, hmmmm, I've been a bit a knob really. NEVER. He'll never be sorry.

All you can do is stop offering yourself up as a fly he can pull the wings off.

You have been more than accommodating with access and it's very likely that he'll want to take it back a bit. After the holiday, if thursday slips away, just accept that as it leaves your week more peaceful and less interrupted.

Thanks Maggie, done it all though! He is listed in my OH's phone as 'dd's father' as it seems to personal to put a name, and I have no mutual friends. I fell out with my best friend of over 20 years as she wouldnt blank him (petty but if someone did the same to her he would have no bollocks left, and she was still talking to him!)
Also, my OH ALWAYS does the handovers, I never see him as he makes me fume just looking at his smarmy face.
And LBAM, yeah I do trust him to look after her while she is poorly, but she only ever wants mummy when she is ill which I suppose is normal, Im 22 and even now when Im ill I cry for my mum !!

Kids see through all the crap, keep going on the moral highground and always be there for her. You're rid of him (kind of), she won't ever be and she'll be enormously glad of a lovely mum like you in the long run....

Oh, just read posting by 'Hesays'. Total agreement re kids being intelligent enough to know where the bad party lies. Well done Hesays, a great role model.

I sympathise Monkey, I am going through exactly the same, now a single mum while he swans around with all the assets, all the money and a new girlfriend. I have stayed neutral and made it easy for him, and DD adjusted to it very quickly. ExH is useless, selfish etc. He is going to an organised fireworks display tomorrow, but forgot his daughter may like to go . But, I have a lovely little girl, who tells me she loves me everyday. Good luck, keep your chin up and focus your energies on your DD, not him.

Oh what a fuckety-fucking fuckwit. Told him I couldnt drop her off this Sat morning as my premmie son is poorly, so could he pick her up. (Bear in mind he has no other responsibilitys). Cue the barrel of insults, threats, court threats, oh, and finally, he is not giving her back when he is meant to! Ahhhhhh what the fuck do I do? If I play into his hands and refuse to hand her over Im going to get whipped to court, if I hand her over I wont get her back and th police have said they cant do anything as its a civil matter. What a twunt, cant he see Im not just being difficult, kids aren't robots, they change as do situations!

why were you dropping her off? surely its his responsibility to pick her up?

Usually, but I OFFERED it to make his life easier! I cant believe Im getting penalised for being nice!

There's your problem - stop being 'nice' - stop being anything but professional, contact by email or text, don't listen to him if he tries to call you to abuse you - hang up the phone.

If he is stupid enough to threaten you in writing then you can keep it for court.

You have a court order, yes? So he has to bring her back - the problem is that he is trying to get at you - you need to at least show that he cant get at you.

Send him an email/text saying you are no longer able to drop her off and he will have to pick her up from now on. And don't engage further and ignore if he tries to call or send abusive texts.

Thanks Laurie. Im not 'nice' to him, but was very ameanable in court, and the judge saw how I was encouraging contact and was on my side iykwim. We do only contact by text (we meaning my other half- I have nothing to do with the prat), but this morning he called and my partner answered. Ive spoken to the police, and yes, due to the court order he has to bring her back, but if he doesn't, I have to take him back to court to enforce the order, i.e could be weeks till I get her back!
When he picked her up last Thursday, he got nasty on the doorstep while he had our daughter (3)in his arms, so I just smiled sweetly and told her I loved her and to be good, hoping that she wouldnt pick up on it, but Im worried about what is said about me in front of her.
Ahhh. And calling my other half the names that he did hasn't gone down well, hes a typical macho man and wants to punch his lights out!

Sounds like you're doing all the right things

what an arsehole he is.

Hi Monkey. I have read all this post and my heart just goes out to you. What a knacker he is. Have a big hug.

I too am going through nightmare situ with threat of court. My ex is emigrating in the new year and wants to take our DDs for six weeks in the summer hols. It is not in their best interests to go and I am offering access in the UK. I have been reasonable and accommodating and businesslike too and it just doesn't really matter. They can act as they wish. There is no real sanction. My ex cancels having the DDs, changes pick up drop off times etc etc. I imagine you feel trapped as I do. I haven't seen my ex either as he picks them up and the kids go out the door without me seeing him. I saw him at the two financial court hearings and he was smug, (super chubby) and arrogant. I didn't get want me and the DDs deserved and life looks different whilst he can afford to fly the kids and his parents over to Aus for hols. He too has said in e-mail that he will "win" in court. It isn't a competition... it is about our lovely little girls.

I am sorry to rant on about my own problems but just know how you must feel. We need to be strong and take on board how great we are and how reasonably we have behaved.

Big big hugs. x

Oh bless you looney, its so hard isn't it. I dropped her off this morning, and he was still as fat twatish as normal. (Yes, I did buckle and dropped her off, and yes, he does now think he won that round too).
Grrr.
Bring on Monday morning, I want her back now .