To be angry with adult stepson who has 'invited' himself to live with us because he got into trouble?

[daftasabrush11]

Hi there, my first post, so it probably says something about my desperate need for advice. So, having found Mumsnet while surfing, and seeing some really savvy Mums out there, I hope you'll give me some pointers. I'm a Mum to DS, adult, lives in London, graduate, good job, friends, GSOH, all round good prospects and lovely nature. I have a DSS and DSD, both late 20's, who I barely know. DSS has visited over the past 12 years sporadically, often promising to come, then doesn't turn up or call. DH very disappointed and frustrated by his general attitude. I have often stuck up for him with a 'better than nothing' attitude. Both were caught in bitter divorce, and lived with Mum. Lately, over the past 6 months, DSS has visited more, though not reliable, lost his job, and DH stepped in to help with payment for odd jobs. Then nothing for 2 months, until phone call from DSD to say he was in hospital (minor injuries). Visited straight away, to find he'd got mixed up in a bad crowd and been 'run out of town'. Can't return to flat, job, etc. and wants to live with us and start over. So 2 weeks later, DSS is living with us, no explanation of how he got into this fix, and the 'rescue' is a done deal. And I am really (unreasonably?) angry. Understand he has nowhere else to go, no money, etc. but would have thought an explanation and some sign of his intentions to move on would be in order at least. Spends large part of the day sleeping, the rest watching TV and eating us out of house and home - meals all laid on, of course. Am I barking mad to be as fizzing as this? Or should I go with the flow? DH is pretty laid back and doesn't want to press him on anything.

Poor you. How difficult. I think your DH is legitimate in wanting to help his DS out if he is in trouble, but you shouldn't be doing the legwork and having to put up with such a gross invasion of your personal space without either a full explanation of the circumstances, some explanation of future plans, and DSS pulling his weight domestically.

Can you ask your DH to explain this to DSS? It is not your job to do so - all you deserve here is respect.

Phew! That's a big first post

Okay, I think you need to discuss this with your DH first and foremost, but you all need a plan of how he is going to get himself back into work and into a place to live.

For example: is he actually looking for work; has he registered with the local authority as homeless; what is he going to do to support himself and pay rent if he's staying with you. He's an adult and needs to be treated as such which means these things are his responsibility.

I would be pressing on your DH that while you are happy in extremis to accept him staying temporarily for example for three months, you do expect there to be a plan in place for him on a more permanent basis which doesn't involve him loafing around, eating all your food and not paying his way.

You should probably have posted this in "step-parenting", by the way - you'll get better informed, more sensible answers there

hmm wellm, i think you need to look at it from your DH';s pov.
if it was YOUR child who had called from hospital etc etc. what woudl you do? i'd wager that you'd have him home like a shot?

what you do need to do however, is talk to your dh. about how long dsd is going to stay, and what you can do to help him rebuild his life, get a job etc etc
decide on a reasonable timeframe for him to recover and start looking for work, and a place of his own to live

then talk to him- either both of you, or just his dad and explain that while you'rehappy to have him and help him out right now he does need to pull his weight with household chores, and start paying his way and that you want him out looking for work

i can see why you feel angry, but it is his son, and i think your dh is doing what any one of us would do if our child called on us for help, regardless of how often/or not we had seen them in the previous however many years

Thanks folks, appreciate your advice. I would have him home like a shot if he was DS, of course, same as I had no hesitation in having DSS home. DH was vey supportive of DS in the past. I am very careful not to compare. And support DH totally in his decision to help. But having tried twice to talk about it, and how I'm feeling, DH says we must give him time, he's all alone, poor guy, etc. He also says that if we start pushing him, DSS will walk out. DSS has a pretty fiery side, and I've seen him stand up to DH before. I think he's afraid he'll lose him if we begin to set down some boundaries. So I have gone along with it for the sake of keeping the peace. But I am pretty unhappy ....

Hello and welcome . I'm a stepmum too to a 14 year old.

I think my initial reaction was that it is still pretty early days and maybe you need to give him some more time to settle, get used to living with you and you might find that he starts to open up a bit more.

Can you pinpoint what it is that you feel so angry about? It's just that it almost feels to me like you aren't really angry about him or this situation, but it's just brought up the feelings, if that makes sense.

Thanks, yep I'm confused about what I'm angry about, I think. Partly because DH is about to retire and for the first time, we would have the chance to do some stuff together with family grown up. Life now revolves around someone else again, ho hum. Partly because DSS in the past 'takes us and leaves us'. Partly because I don't know how to behave in this situation. I suddenly feel like a stranger in this relationship, but want to do the right thing.

I think you have a right to be a little angry that he's clearly not doing much to get himself back on his feet, has offered no explanation for how he got himself in this position and your DH seems unable or unwilling to lay down some rules about how exactly his son is planning on 'starting over'.

I would suggest that you speak to your DH about both of you uniting to lay down some rules and give your step-son some goals to aim for... getting a job being the first thing so that he can pay the board and lodging you are going to ask him for.

Think it's helpful that you can start to unravel what is making you so angry. Sounds like you are feeling a little "used" by your SS and this isn't a nice feeling for you. It's a bit odd because you don't really know the young man very well and so to some extent it must be like having a stranger in your home, again not easy.

Your H is clearly glad to be able to help his son and that is understandable. Thisisyesterday is giving good advice I think. Maybe you have to go with the flow for a short time and if there is no sign of anything changing in a few weeks time, maybe you have to start to try to set some guidelines, find out if the young man has any plans and maybe help with trying to find him somewhere else to live e.g. a private rented property. He won't be eligible for help from the housing dept even if he is homeless as he is single and has no dependents or special needs etc.

I think if you can be patient for a while it may be best, as your H will feel resentful if you try to upset things just now and that may in time rebound on you.

Could you maybe use this time to try to get to know your SS better and myabe find out what are the problems that have led him to this crisis point in his life. Is he by any chance suffering from any kind of depression.

Don't believe he is. Apart from the sleeping, everything seems to be OK. Will be patient for a while longer, as you all suggest. Regarding boundaries and rules, I have only laid down one condition - that his Rottweiler is not coming to stay!

I'd like to think I'd look after my adult stepson in the same way as I'd look after my son if he was in trouble. I'd probably allow a month or so of getting yourself together that may or may not involve trips to GP, citizens advice etc. Then I'd be asking husband to chat to him about his plans, job, signing on, flat etc. Staying moping in your room isn't good for anyone. Same if it was my son, in fact I'd probably be harder on him.

I'm possibly way off beam here, but is there any remote possibility of any drugs issues? I ask because the sleep patterns, loss of job, lack of responsibility, and getting run out of town by a "bad crowd" ring some alarm bells, really.

"I'm a Mum to DS, adult, lives in London, graduate, good job, friends, GSOH, all round good prospects and lovely nature"

Do you run a dating servive in your spare time? Or trying to get your ds hooked up?

you shoudlnt' be leading your life around him. just because he is currently living in your house doesn't mean you shoul dhave to change what you are doing.
I know ti isn't the same as having the house to yourself, but you and your DH should still be able to do all t stuff you were planning to, regardless of having DSS there.

Thanks all Mums who posted. I took your advice, was patient and tried to be more relaxed. Three weeks on, and we have had one incident where he has threatened his father with violence, out of the blue with no obvious prompt. Father called the police (to show DSS this was not acceptable behaviour), and DSS legged it, DH filed missing persons report and sniffer dogs, police aircraft etc. spent 20 hours searching overnight in freezing temperatures. DSS turned up next evening, having thought things through, apology and all agreed to work together to build trust (drugs were involved before). 2 weeks later, I am away this weekend, same happens - frantic call from DH past midnight, DSS has threatened him again. Home tomorrow. DSS calmed down again, DH at end of tether. Me too.

Would it be totally out of order for you to ask your DSS to go to anger management or some form of therapy for his (what seems like) tremendous issues?

daft: Sounds like your SS needs help but not at the expense of your own safety. I would ask him to leave but still stay in contact to offer support from afar.
IMO it sounds like he is using these outburst to control your DH.

Have recommended 2 counsellors to him, says he has called and left a message, but they haven't called back. They won't tell me whether he has beause of confidentiality. I doubt he has, although he agreed to after 1st incident. I do think he needs professional help.

Bloody hell daft, whatever is going on with your stepson, he sounds really dangerous. Don't see how you can continue to offer him a home, tbh.

I don't know which are the right agencies/support services to contact, but suggest your council's domestic violence unit might be a good place to start - I know DV is usually thought of as partner against partner but think it extends to any pattern of physical violence by one person in the home to others.

And Turning Point, given the drugs issue.

Hi Daftas,
Your story could have been me talking 6 months ago. Very similar situation with adult dss arriving on our doorstep after getting in with bad crowd in an attempt to "start again". I totally sympathise with how you are feeling, although he never became violent or threatening. DH was desparate to give him another chance as was I, but it felt like such an invasion of my personal space. Dss was sleeping in the lounge on the couch so was even worse, couldn't get away from him without leaving the house.
In our situation, we helped and encouraged dss to "start over", he got job, place to stay, began to make new friends etc... and we were really proud, but in the end old habits die hard and he moved back. It has been heartbreaking particularly for dh to watch, because dss is blaming dh for the situation he is now in, he got into more trouble etc...
I'm sorry if that isn't helpful to you, but wanted to know you are not alone in feeling how you do. And ultimately, staying with us etc did not actually help dss. The sad reality is that he has got himself into a situation and until he is willing to accept responsibility for his actions and change, there is nothing anyone can do to help him. In fact, in our case, anybody helping him actually had a negative effect as he thought it justified his behaviour e.g. he thought it was acceptable to spend all his money on booze and fags because his nan was willing to feed him a hot dinner every night!!

Hi SABread This is so helpful, thanks. Sorry to hear about your situation, but there are some similarities. Just takes over your life, doesn't it? I think the bit about reinforcing the behaviour is bang on. Just 2 days ago DH gave DSS laptop for 31st birthday. Endless running about in the car to pick up stuff, sort things out, pay off rent due, etc. and still no obvious effort to look for work. Enjoying the 5 star experience, and nobody holding him to account because we're too intimidated.

Good morning Daftas,
Glad to be some support, just to know you're not the only one!!
I really can't offer you any advice, only tell you what has happened in our situation. DH and I have come to the conclusion that as long as DSS is getting "help", in particular financial, he is never going to grow up and sort himself out. We have spoken to his mum (dh's ex) and begged her to support us along with her side of the family, but she's finding it hard to give the tough love. We feel that dss needs to hit rock bottom and get a true reality check. But as it stands today, he has a series of friends and relatives who he moves between, one doing his laundry, one letting him stay on the couch, one cooking him a hot dinner, one letting him use the internet and phone and so it goes on.
I know it's easier for me, and probably for you daftas, because you and me are not the true parents and can distance ourselves a bit. I know that if it was one of my kids I would find it harder to be tough. This whole situation has put such a strain on DH and my relationship. I was adament that dss should abide by certain house rules in our house, and to give him credit he did stick to them. e.g. he had to be home at a certain time (we never gave him a key), he was not allowed to sleep all day (I refused to sit and eat breakfast with him sleeping on the couch in the same room) and so on.
Is it possible for your dh to speak to his ex and for them to join forces a bit?
Would your dh be willing to sit him down and say "look you've had a tough time and you've had a bit of time to relax etc, but now it's time to start moving on..." Could you explain that he can't stay with you for ever, maybe turn it around saying how his lifestyle would be better in his own place and so on? And put some sort of time limit on it... If he's not working he should be able to claim benefits, and I think he should contribute something to his keep.
Sorry for disjointed rambling , I know how difficult it is and how emotional the situation can become.
x

He has a drug problem. That tends to make everyone around him resources to be exploited, tbh.

www.adfam.org.uk/AdFam are a charity specifically for families of addicts and drunks. They offer a lot. I'd get in touch - you may find they can offer strategies to help deal with him, and definitely a lot of support from people in the same boat.

Being so intimidated he rules the roost is no way to live. IMO he should not be in your home, full stop. There are other, more effective and safer ways to help him than shielding him from reality.