Sorry in advance for the length. We've been having problems with DH's father over the last year or so. He refusing to comply with our requests re the kids, telling DH mockingly that (for example) such-and-such didn't do him any harm when he was a child (fizzy drinks, other rubbish), and generally being argumentative and obnoxious. DH has had problems with him all his life and they've had regular fallouts, but the most recent one was the worst and they don't communicate at all now. All arrangements re seeing the kids come through me.
He is the kind of man you just can't reason with, he goes off at tangents, doesn't address the point you're trying to make and never takes responsibilities for his own temper ? someone else always made him lose it. DH had a pretty crummy upbringing at times but is now (relatively!) normal, god knows how!
However, things have come to a head recently with FIL being unhappy at the access arrangements for seeing the kids (we reckon he should be grateful for any time he gets with them) and he has started being cheeky and abusive to me too, in emails. I've not yet said I'm going to stop him seeing the kids, and I don't want it to come to that, but it's looking increasingly likely. DH is getting riled at what FIL is saying to me and I'm worried that FIL will start texting DH direct, to try and get a rise out of him, or even approach him. He's already taunting him, via me, for 'hiding' behind me, when in fact DH knows there is just no point trying any more, and is maintaining a dignified silence.
But DH says there may come a time when the taunts and insults get too much, because he knows what his dad is like, and he will "have to retaliate", in his words. And the problem is, he's not ruling out physically. DH is a level-headed, intelligent guy but I can't get through to him that he just cannot get into a physical fight with his father. I'm terrified that things would get out of control and something awful would happen. DH insists that there would come a point when he just couldn't ignore things any longer (if the abuse towards me got any worse, for example).
DH and I have a very strong relationship and I've never given him an ultimatum before, not in 13 years together, but I've talked till I'm blue in the face and he can't accept that violence might not be inevitable ... AIBU?