feel angry at my partner's grief

[Lyndor]

Can anyone help. My partner's mother has terminal cancer and he just cannot cope with this at all. I am offering all my love and support but he is shutting me out and talking about moving out. At the same time as this my mother is ill and in hopspital recovering from a serious op. I am working full time, looking after house and family and supporting everyone and I canot believe that my partner is being like this. I have told him that all I need is a hug now and then and to know he loves me (as I am a bit stressed out) and he is so full of grief and self pity he says that he cannot cope. His mother is still alive and I think he is wasting this precious time. I have tried everything but nothing I say or do helps. If anything it makes it worse.

Although she has been a little blunt, I must admit I agree with Marantha. Having a parent who is dying vs your partners parent recovering, I must admit I would be a bit if my partner started telling me what they needed.

Agree with you OP that he is wasting precious time and it certainly wouldn;t be my way of going about things (which I know becasue my mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer 5 years ago), but you cannot make him grieve in the way that you want him to. You just need to support him as much as you can and look to yourself for the time being to provide what you need.

If you think that partners aren;t replaceable you are deluded! My fatehr left after 35 seemingly happy years of marriage, my mother still cries about her mother dying nearly 30 years ago but she no longer sheds a tear for my father.

marantaha don't go. You have had the decency to apologise, which is more than many on here do..

Lyndor You have my sympathies I had a very very similar experience to Undercovermutha and agree with what she says - MIL dying when my DS1 was a baby. Me suffering PND and struggling, with family life being totally disrupted for a while and DH away a lot.

In my case DH coped incredibly well, and it did not drive us apart, but I'll admit to feeling very angry - in my case, with my MIL . Terrible and irrational I know. I was able to speak to my mum about it, and she said something very helpful, which is that you must try and behave in a way which you will not regret later. Your DH is going through something terrible, and unfortunately is not behaving in a way which enables you to help him.

Get some help for yourself outside, as others have said, and try not to put pressure on him. I also got counselling after her death, to talk through the feelings of anger I'd had, and guilt about those feelings.

My lovely MIL died last April from cancer and your post reminded me of how hard things were for all of our family. My dh didn't shut me out but I did feel like you do at times. My dad was also ill at the time and it felt like he didn't matter as much because he was likely to get better (he did). I have to say I think the grieving, fear, heartbreak and utter sadness of watching someone you love die is horrendous. As awful as it sounds, it was slightly easier when my MIL did die. At least we could all grieve peoperly and know what was going to happen instead of living on tenterhooks.
Try to talk to someone else - a friend, sister, brother? - and just try your best to be there for you dh. He has said he can't cope - that's a cry for help to me.
I hope things improve.

my FIL is also dying of cancer, may not be with us by xmas. but I am supporting DH, and HE IS LETTING ME. After the death, we will ALL be focussing on looking after his mum, and i cannot imagine feeling like the OP, or her DP either.

I think it does look like there may be other issues in this relationship other than the stress and grief of losing a parent.

has OP always resented DPs relationship with MIL, have they never really got on etc. yes I know it is all speculation, but I can't see why if someone has a very supportive partner,as OP claims to be, they would shut them out and not LET them be supportive, unless there was a bigger picture

is it just that he is shutting down and not shutting off.
people can only take so much stress before they crack up and this distancing himself, may be his way of coping, without having a breakdown.

i had a recent situation similarly although it was dps aunt not his mother- she has been very ill for a very long time and i'll be honest made no attempts to go and visit/to write or to see her family or support his mother during that time. The day after she died my best friend was admitted to hospital miscarrying her first (and desperately wanted and tried for) baby. I was gutted for her,if i am honest,possibly more for her than i was for dp.
I was told in no uncertain terms (by his mother) that the funeral was a family event (implying I am not family)so i left him to it as he didn't seem remotely arsed that i wouldn't be able to support him and he basically shut down.
We had a week of holiday booked off together (during which the funeral was due to take place)he was mooching round being basically hideous and ruined every thing we did as a family.i ended up losing it with him and telling him to stop coming along with us as his presence was damaging our only bit of family time between now and Christmas.
i was fuming with him that he was blocking me/us out and he was fuming with me that I was being unsupportive. if he'd told me/talked to me then I would have worked round him.
what i am saying is you can't decided how any one feels,it's not up to you to decide how he grieves and when he does it. All you can do is be there to support him and try to keep your mouth shut,don't say anything you might regret as when his mum does finally go he'll need you all more than ever.
I hope the end is peaceful for your mil and that your own mum makes a good recovery.
People have been really harsh to you op.

Surely the point of MN is to be able to rant and voice your innermost feelings anonymously. It is a horrible situation to be in, and I had moments of anger and resentment when my MIL was dying. The lack of control is terrible, especially if you are shut out in anyway by your DH. The OP has merely come here to voice her feelings - and better she does it here than to her DH.
It would be nice if everyone tried a bit of empathy and support! The OP may well be grieving for her MIL too, hence the anger, which is natural.
I surprised myself at how upset I was when my MIL died. I was not terribly close to her, but it was just such a terrible blow to the whole family, and has such a lasting effect (at DCs birthdays, Xmas etc).
People are allowed to feel anger, and I would like to meet the person who never has a little 'wobble' when they are trying to carry the weight of the family responsibilities on their shoulders.
OP - you are doing fine. I'm sorry your DH has moved out. My BIL was similar. You are allowed to be angry sometimes. Good luck!

Unfortunately my mum has also got terminal cancer, although obviously I'm devestated, I am dealing with it, but my brother, like your husband can't and his family are having a terrible time at home with him. I honestly do think it is a male thing where they can't express their feelings as much and it comes out in different ways. So I understand what you're going through, it probably seems worse because of the stress of your own mum having the op. I do hope your mum recovers well. All I think you can do is be there for him as and when he needs you and let him deal with it in his own way.

men are definite;ly different,my BF just shuts off when theres any emotion around. as if he is dead.seriously

good post Undercovermutha

marantha - please don't leave

You certainly haven't upset me.
But I can understand how the OP is feeling, that's all. Death and grieving isn't the same for everyone, so it isn't a black and white issue - everyone is going to react differently to the situation.
I think the OP is entitled to a moan about the situation, and I suspect that (like me) she knows deep down that she needs to let her dh cope in whatever way he needs to, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Hi - a bit of an update - My mum is not out of the woods yet far from it - she is still in hospital and may be having antoher op (life or death). My partner has left and said he only wants to be with his Mum. I am desvistated but cannot change the way he feels. Its left me feeling very sad as I thought we had something special and find it hard to understand why he is breaking away and not pulling together through hard times. I feel I have given him everything and its just not been enough.

An awful situation for you all but you really can't force him to cope with his grief and emotions in a way which makes YOU feel comfortable. It's very sad that things have deteteriorated to the point where he has left but with so much trauma and emotion in your lives at the minute, perhaps it's the best thing. He's doing what he needs to do - grief IS selfish, it's irrational and it's unpredictable but he is facing a desperate, devastating situation which is way out of his control. Really hope that you get positive news about your mum.

I havent had time to read all the replies so sorry if I have missed something! But I think you need to be a little more understanding of your partners grief. Yes you are having a difficult time but you are not about to lose someone precious to you - he is.

I speak as someone who watched her own mother die it is HARD you dont care about normal everyday things and someone saying " I need you" "I am stressed" etc would be the most insensitive irritating thing you could imagine.

I am NOT saying that you need to completely be his support with nothing back for you BUT just sit with him encourage him to talk about whats going on and you will probably find he will start to be more sensitive to you in return.