Mother in Law doing my head in big time

[heavenlybaby]

Hi there,

I was wondering if anyone else has come across this before. My mother in law is wonderful with my DS but sometimes she just acts as if she is in charge and starts calling the shots and it really annoys me. We were in Next the other day and we were buying clothes for my DS when he started to throw a massive tantrum. He is 22 months. She was going to buy him a toy train but because he was not behaving I said he could not have it because he was not being a good boy. She went ahead a bought it for him anyway after I specifically said he should not get rewarded for bad behavior. I bit my tongue and let it go that time. My DH and I have said we would not buy any toys for our DS because Christmas is approaching and we do not want to get him more toys when he'll get loads of stuff a month from now. We specifically told the grandparents we were doing this but today Mother in law decided she'd splash out for a new toy. When my husband confronted her she said not to tell her what to do with her money she can do what she likes. Help! How do I approach this issue without starting WW3!!!

My mum does this with my daughter and it does cause problems. She will deliberately ignore me and look to Granny because she knows my mum will argue with me.Sadly, I find being with both of them too stressful so Dd gets to spend days with Granny by herself but we don't often do things together. This is compounded by the fact that Granny prefers Dd to Ds, a fact which both of themd which Dd uses to her advantage.

I agree RollCorpseIntoHedge

You put it very well.

Perhaps it´s also MILs way of being "Gran" rather than childminder?

Unless she has a hidden agenda, OP, I´d let it go.

My MIL often use to try to be better with the children than me-if they were upset/tantruming,she used to want to prove that she could deal with it better than me.

Used to wind me up something terrible.

And at the end of the day, what a waste of time/emotion that was!

both of them are aware of...

Thanks to NanaNina for your perspective it's nice to see things from all sides. I am grateful for all the things my MIL has done but sometimes there are certain things that happen that make me upset and I wonder how should I handle it without sounding like an ungrateful bitchy mother. When I look at my son and specifically say to him you are not to have this toy beacuse you are acting up and hitting mummy at Next and MIL watches this happen and turns around and says here you go here is a toy and he runs into her arms and I look like the devil it certainly pisses me off. Or when my son runs into the road and nearly gets hit by a car and the only reason I found out was because my DH told me so. My MIL and FIL were planning to keep this a secret from me. That pisses me off too... Big Time! When I'm a MIL I'll respect my sons wishes because I've been there and done that and I will know how it feels. I'm not tarring all MIL's with the same brush this is just my experience. I did like your comment about my DH and I staying home with our DS if we don't like it and your right but I live in the real world and just can't do that. The love his grandma gives him out weighs the cons so I will let it go but I still think we need a chat to clear things up a bit.

I'd go bloody crazy if my MIL (or anyone) did this.

My kid, my rules.

hear hear NanaNina[offers loan of tin helmet and an invite to tea!]

and nananina tells all of us that use paid childcare how negectful and damaging it is again

you can't...without starting WW111

Wow heavenlybaby - I wasn't expecting such a measured response - what a nice surprise. And Thanks Pranma - yes I'd love to come to tea!

Pooexplosions - sorry to be such a bore but probably on account of my great age and me being a mil and all. Maybe you could read "Raising babies" by Steve Biddulph to learn about the damage done to under 3s by full time placement in a nursery or "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt. Incidentally I did NOT say paid childcare is neglectful, so if you are going to quote me please be more accurate. I would never accuse anyone of being neglectful by using paid childcare. I just happen to think that many parents don't always realise that residential child care for children under 3 is potentially quite damaging to some children. Where there is a choice between a loving granny and a nursery I just think it's a no brainer.

NanaNina - will you be my MIL?

YANBU.

And when did 'tantrum' become a verb? It's horrible. (Sorry, I'll slink back to Pedants' Corner.)

I really feel that if Heavenlybaby's MIL is looking after her ds fulltime , that it is MORE important that she respects HB's wishes than if she only sees the child rarely. My MIL only looks after the children once in a blue moon so although she practically undermines dh and I every time she does see the children, it doesn't impact badly on them. But HB and her dh are the parents and their wishes wrt toys should be respected. In our case, I just let it go, because it's not worth the aggro but in your case you will have to nip it in the bud. I would have a serious chat!

I've read them thanks, Steve Biddulph is a joke though, not worth the paper its written on. You always quote the same 2 books, which are merely opinions, same as yours. not in any way proof of anything.
Rather disingenuous to say that you are not teling parents they are being neglectful, just pointing out how much damage they are doing to their children. And that is much different how?

Don't want to hi-jack this thread with bickering between the 2 of us PooE especially as the OP has not taken issue with me. However I could quote many more books based on attachment theory and the needs of children under 3 and the importance of good quality physical and emotional care for these young children if they are to be securely attached and derive benefits from that attachment pattern throughout the lifespan. I would be interested to know why you think the Steve Biddulph book is a "joke"
As you will no doubt know he has been a psychologist and advocate for parents for 30 years. You may not agree with what he says but just to dismiss it as a "joke" seems to nme unreasonable. As with Sue Gerhardt's book, did you not find the experiments that they did with 2 year olds in full time nursery care, measuring cortisol in the brain (the stress hormone) that was unbelievably high in these children in the late afternoon compared with children being cared for at home or by a childminder convincing in any way.

IOf course these books are based on opinions but also backed up by some experimental work and looking at longditudinol studies of children, comparing and contrasting children's behaviour and development at aged 55 years, and finding a marked difference between full time nursery children and "home reared" ones. And of course I am posting my opinions, but isn't that what everyone is doing?

Finally again I would stress that I am not saying that parents who use nursery full time for under 3s are neglectful in any way, shape or form. I just think that there is a ggeneral unawareness about the potential damage of full time nursery care for under 3s. Incidentally I am not criticising nursery staff who are generally lowly paid and I am sure work hard to care for the children. The fact remains that it is institutionalised care with a poor child/carer ratio (babies of under 1 - 3 staff to 10 babies) and is just not suited to the needs of babies and children under 3.

Sorry - I AM hi jacking the thread so I will sstop and maybe start another on this topic. I am passionate about what I believe as I have studied attachment disorders in children for the past 5 years and work independently as a social worker together with a clinical psychologist to deliver training programmes to foster carers, adoptors and social workers on the importance of attachment theory.

Sorry - if anyone is reading above post -should read "at aged 5 years" NOT "at aged 55 years" !!

Slummybutjummy - Yes fine, but you probably wouldn't like me if I was!