Teenage daughter being gossiped about by friends mum

[Carrro]

My daughter is 15 and very responsible and mature for her age. Her best friend has had more than ten boyfriends in a short time, while my daughter has none. My daughter thinks there is something sad and disturbing in the way her friend flits from bfr to bfr. Because of this, my daughter has withdrawn slightly from her friend, and hooked up with other girls, who share her view about having loads of bfrs. The mother of the girl with many bfrs, has now started a whispering campaign about my daughter "being jealous" of her daughter, hinting that if my daughter can not "be happy" for her daughter, she is no friend at all. Considering that we have treated this girl as a member of our family, paid for holidays for her etc, I find her attitude extremely hurtful.
The mother is a single parent who does seem to live her life through her daughter, but still...
I have now told my daughter that I do not want her to have any contact with the girls mother, though I'm quite happy for her to be friends with the daughter.
Am I being unreasonable?

as stated by better than me

it isn't your friendship

keep out of it and focus on things pertaining to you

you can only be sure of things that you yourself have heard or seen, the rest is hearsay or conjecture and should be treated as such.....

if it is as you have stated your daughter sounds fine
leave it there for your own benefit as nothing is to be gained through fretting over this

We,it's not exclusively single parents that live their lives through the DC........or have that perspective on men. Most odd you should say that!

Yup. As many others have said, you and the other mother need to back off a bit and give you dd's the space to work this out for themselves.

It must be enormously frustrating if the other mother is getting stuck in and talking about your dd but really ... you just mustn't.

Likewise, it really doesn't matter if her dd behaves in a way that your dd doesn't. It really is for them to resolve. Unless there is a question of serious harm (which does not seem to be the case here) your realm of influence ends with your own dd (and it sounds as though you and she have no conflict there. Which is lucky, because that is not always the case.).

For now, yes,if I were you I would advise my dd to back away from the other mother - but only because of the gossiping thing. And I'd advise her to be subtle and neither of you to go for a head-on rift.

Seriously, the stuff about bfs will resolve itself. And will quite probably prove to be temporary, so there is almost certainly be nothing to be gained from a full-on confrontation. Even if they separate as friends for a bit, they are likely to be moving in the same circles for at least the next three years, so you just do not know how they will be getting along at the end of that.

Dittany's point about gossip circumscribing behaviour is a very important one.

This might be the moment to really reflect on how you and your dd should not let gossip limit your life-choices and behaviour.

Who gives a stuff if people don't approve of the way you choose to conduct your lives, providing you are living in a way that you have concluded is good for you and causes no harm?

And as Dittany is implying, it might be worth talking to your dd about whether she feels her own romantic experimentation is being limited by her fears of disapproval.

That, in a sexist world, can be a very big issue for girls.

I think you should listen to your daughter when she wants and advise in whatever way you see fit.

As for the boyfriend thing. It is NOT OK for a 15 yo to have 10 BFs. Although i dont think that her friend having as many boyfriends as this is your business if you are sure your daughter wont be led. I am just commenting.

Don't Cherryblossoms, yours is excellent advice, plus you've used a word I'm now going to have to look up!

I'm really surprised at the many answers who seem to think it's just fine and dandy for a 15 year old to run around with loads of boyfriends. It's almost as if the girl who doesn't like doing this, is at fault. No wonder this country looks like it does today, with young girls flaunting themselves, drinking themselves into a stupor, vomiting on the streets and ending up getting pregnant. And God forbid that a 15 year old girl should care what her elder brothers think of her!! It's absolutely fine for a brother to hear stories about his little sister! Yeah go for it grrl!! I am glad that there still are people in this country who respect themselves and their family. The funny thing is that I'm from Scandinavia and used to a very open way of dealing with sex and nudity. But nowhere have I ever seen young kids behave as badly as in Great Britain. This goes for both girls and boys.

I have no interest whatsoever in the sex lives of teenage kids, but am bombarded by images left right and center.
At a recent party for 14 year olds, I found one of the girls outside in the garden, having sex with with a boy that she couldn't even name. I was supposed to "patrol" the outside..what was I supposed to do? Drag them in, half naked and then be accused of paedophilia? I left them to it. Two hours later someone else found the same girl having sex with yet another boy. Charming. I pity the brothers, sisters, parents of this girl..unless of course they think she's totally cool for behaving like a sad, desperate slapper. The number of 14 year olds having abortions has soared in the past few years. England's teenage pregnancy figures are the worst in Western Europe. Why do you think? I rest my case.

Doesn't matter what the reason is, if your dd doesn't feel as close to her former friend and is gravitating towards others she should be free to do so. As long as your dd is not being unpleasant to the other girl it's fine. Tbh if it were me I'd feel relieved she's not mixing with that slag girl anymore.

The mother needs to get a hobby.

Nice calling a 14 year old a slag

To be honest this all seems very much he says, she says, and for two seemingly mature women to get entangled in the web of teenage emotions is a bit sad.

I would be very, very upset if there was any namecalling and bullyimg going on, however girls friendship groups change like the wind at this age, and the only sensible thing to do imo is to be a sympathetic bystander. To get involved and pass judgement is not a very adult approach.

TBH I personally would prefer that my teenage daughter didn't have a string of 10 boyfriends, and thank god and all his seraphim that boys have passed her by up to now. For all you know the boyfriends could be a simple hand holding relationship. Anyway like Dittany said speculation on the sexual antics of teens is distasteful and unecessary.

For goodness sake stay out of it.they will be best of friends again by next week.

How can you be the judge of whether the other mother has 'a life' or not??

Just because she is a single mother doesn't mean she has less of a life than you.

I was sympathetic to you until you came out with that hideously little piece of prejudice.

Now I can't be bothered posting any advice.

Your daughter sounds a bit judgmental to be honest. Fine if she doesn't have/want a boyfriend yet, it's not really up to her to 'have views' on other people's private lives. Both the other mother and you should really rise above teenage bitchfighting and not comment on your daughter to other people.

the mother is judgmental. No husband equals 'no life'.

Why would you want to get involved in teenage angst? It was a PITA the first time around.

Well you know dittany when boys have sex in the garden it is just boys being boys, but when girls do it they are nasty dirty slags.

How do you know what this other mother is telling other people when she meets with them? How do you know who she meets with? When they meet? Where they meet?
Are you stalking her? or do the other people come and tell you everytime they have met?
Sorry but is sounds like you both need to stop living through your children and start developing lives of your own!!

would it be ok if the girl was 'going out with' 10 people if it went no further sexually than a kiss and a cuddle?
or is it preferable for a 14/15 year old to have a 'long term' (6 months say) boyfriend she's shagging?
just wondering...

To GetOrfmoiland, I think a slapper is the perfect word for a drunken 14 yr old who has sex with two ppl at a party. Obviously the boys are slags as well, but I didn't mention them because this discussion is about two teenage girls.
No matter how incredibly equal society has become, the fact is that only girls tend to get pregnant, and therefore have a hell of a lot more to lose than boys.
As for ther fact that Carro mentioned that the other mum is single; big deal. I know quite a few single women who are sad and desperate and have a clingy, unhealthy relationships with their kids. But I also know plenty of strong, independent and very happy single women, who are wonderful mums. In all this political correctness, ppl keep losing sight of the fact that too many youngsters in this country behave appallingly, and the blame lies with the parents.
The idea seems to be to let your kids do what they want, don't get involved, and just tell them whatever they do is fine and they'll end up happy and successful and Bob's your uncle.

Absolutely agree with Dittany (as per usual).