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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suprised by this mums reaction?

70 replies

NormaSknockers · 30/10/2009 16:16

I was on the train yesterday with the DC & there was a mum with her 2 boys sitting opposite, the boys were aged about 6 & 9 at a guess.

The youngest lad was playing on what I think was a PSP & started to get frustrated, he was moaning that he couldn't get past this certain bit then in a temper shouted & threw the PSP in the floor (really hard too) folding his arms & sulking. I was but his mum scooped up the PSP, wrapped her arms around her DS & said 'don't worry babe Mummy will help you get past that bit' to which he tried to shove her off still moaning so she fished around in her bag & handed him a chocolate bar

AIBU to be miffed by her reaction? If DD had done that I would have taken the PSP (or whatever) away until she said sorry & learnt to treat her things with respect.

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 30/10/2009 17:01

she was probably just trying to keep things peaceful on the train. when they're home, and he's calmed down, she may well talk to him about what happened.

wicked · 30/10/2009 17:02

So it's the choice of snack you object to?

Ohforfoxsake · 30/10/2009 17:02

critise? please judge me by my spelling.

Northernlurker · 30/10/2009 17:03

Norma you said 'AIBU to be miffed by her reaction? If DD had done that I would have taken the PSP (or whatever) away until she said sorry & learnt to treat her things with respect.' - Of course you were judging her!

differentWitch · 30/10/2009 17:04

I know someone who has always been tht way with her ds.

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 30/10/2009 17:05

Good lord no, not at all - had a milky bar in the bag for DD too, just looked like he was being rewarded for bad behaviour as he wouldn't settle when his mum tried to help him with the game so he moaned & shoved her off so she handed him something to eat.

OP posts:

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 30/10/2009 17:06

Judging her behaviour yes, not judging her as a person as she seemed really lovely

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 30/10/2009 17:10

I love watching other people. It is quite common.
What is really funny is watching the KS1 DC at school trying the same method and getting nowhere.It is quite obvious that it is what they do at home and it has no effect at school, they then have to peer round to see if it is having an effect, and then decide whether to abandon it, or go a level higher. DCs who don't do it look on in amazement!

jabberwocky · 30/10/2009 17:12

In an NT child I probably would have done what you would have norma. With my ds1 I would have probably done the same as teh mum on the train. You just don't know what the back story is and therefore really can't judge.

wicked · 30/10/2009 17:12

I actually admire the mum for her kindly reaction. Most mums would get quite angry, but there is something to be said for comforting a child who has just reacted disgracefully.

I'm wondering if the OP is a little jealous?

MaryBS · 30/10/2009 17:16

YABU to judge her without knowing all the circumstances.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 30/10/2009 17:18

DS1 blows into a temper in a split second, I have 2 choices I can pour petrol onto the fire or I can put the fire out.
Neither of these is telling him his behaviour is acceptable, however, once he is calm, I can tell him that his behaviour was un asseptable but with him screaming he doesn't hear anything.

He is getting better at expressing why he is SO cross and we are having fewer episodes but it is totally possible that people have seen me deal with DS1 in public and judged me.. I don't give a flying fuck.. they don't live with my little man, they don't know me.

Its ok for you to be surprised, that isn't judgey, but I agree that you shouldn't judge until you have walked in her shoes for a while.

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 17:20

I think "miffed" may be the wrong word, but I don't think YABU to be surprised. 6 is quite old to be acting out like that, I'd think. It's not as if he's 2. And no, we don't know all the circumstances, but even if it were a rough journey/low blood sugar/extremely long and frustrating day, a calm, "Heeey, I know you're frustrated but there's certainly a better way to act," would be ok, wouldn't it? Again, just MO.

AnnieLobeseder · 30/10/2009 17:23

wicked - what would the op be jealous of, exactly? The lady having a bratty child?

I'm very confused by the sudden cries of 'you're just jealous' all over MN at the moment. Bizarre!

Ohforfoxsake · 30/10/2009 17:23

This is why I rarely come on MN anymore.

It just makes me

21st Century equivalent of over-the-fence tittle-tattling.

Who are you to judge? And come on here broadcasting it. Do you not have anything better to do? Its such a trivial thing to be miffed about, even if it had anything to do with you whatsoever. Which it doesn't.

He probably was having a sugar-crash after the froot-shoot he was given with his Happy Meal by his well-meaning, but uneducated chav of a mother. Is that better?

wicked · 30/10/2009 17:25

Are you kidding, CF?

My DS only started getting a volatile temper when he was about 8 and only grew out of it around age 14. We had a few kid gloves moments, but I don't think we significantly rewarded bad behaviour. We helped him when he was calm and gave him strategies to cope.

wicked · 30/10/2009 17:26

Jealous that the mum handled the situation in a calm and loving manner, insteading of getting angry and shouty.

I always admire people who stay calm and loving. I wish I could be like that all the time.

primarymum · 30/10/2009 17:26

My son has BSED with Aspergers and gets VERY annoyed ( with himself I might add) if "things" don't do what he wants. When he was primary aged we had dreadful problems with anger management and some of the strategies I had to employ to keep him calm and self controlled would make most parents blush! BUT getting annoyed or trying to discuss things rationally didn't work, we just had to be as calm and "understanding" as possible ( and this was on the advice of the child psychologist who told me to fight the big battles and ignore the small ones!) He was (still is) very intelligent but couldn't cope with games of chance, skill was Ok as he could understand about learning, chance was outside his control and so "suspect"! perhaps the child in question has similar problems. OK it wasn't how you would deal with the situation but maybe it was the only way that would work!

unfitmother · 30/10/2009 17:32

YABU

You miserable bunch of nasty, judgemental bitches unpleasant people
That could be my son, he has AS and I cringe sometimes as I know people will be judging me when he get upset or frustrated as to the ignorant un-informed observer, it looks just like bad behaviour.

HerBewitcheditude · 30/10/2009 17:34

LOLOLOLOL.

You are miffed by her reaction? You are miffed that she dealt with the situation differently from how you would?

LOL.

Original poster

NormaSknockers · 30/10/2009 17:35

wicked - er no, not jealous. I wouldn't have shouted or got angry, just would have said calmy to DD that it's not nice to throw her toys on the floor. No need to get angry & shout at her! I would have done much what CheerfulYank said.

But yes, I hadn't considered that perhaps there are other issues here so no perhaps I shouldn't have had my judgey pants on.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 30/10/2009 17:36

wicked - nope, still don't see why that's something to be jealous of. We parent in the way we prefer to parent. I find shouting works for me. I could be calmer if I chose. Certainly never occurred to me to be jealous of anyone else's parenting style because it's a choice.

unfitmother · 30/10/2009 17:39

OK, OP, I'll let you off.
I came home and cried from the cinema yesterday as DS was really stressed by the crowds (kids film, half term!) and I was convinced everyone was judging me as I said in a really calm voice "now DS it's OK" as he was kicking off. He looks completely NT you see.

PerryPlatypus · 30/10/2009 17:40

YABU.

Different approaches work for different children.

When my 6yr-old gets upset the best strategy is to try to cheer him up and, if that fails, move him on. The mother's cheering up didn't work so she distracted him with chocolate.

He has AS but I doubt that would stop the Judgey McJudgeons from deciding that he must be a spoilt brat.

Ohforfoxsake · 30/10/2009 17:40

Well, thank you Norma. Motherhood will be easier now you have enlightened us and told us how to do it properly.

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