To feel offended OBO friend ?

[Fibilou]

There are 4 of us that are still very close from school. One moved to Devon 3 years ago (we're in Sussex) and doesn't come home much as she has 2 year old son and another due in December. She probably comes down twice a year..
I held a baby shower for her on Sunday and one of the other girls bailed out at the last minute saying she was ill.
Background is that this friend is always being ill; she has only seen Devon friend's son once as every time she comes home she finds an excuse not to see her. Devon friend has probably been here 5 to 6 times since her son was born, made lots of plans to meet up with us all but been knocked back every time.

Other friend has no children herself, no hobbies and doesn't have a stressful job so it's not as if she has too much to pack into her days as all she does in the evening is eat a ready meal with her husband and watch TV. Devon friend is starting to feel as if the constant avoidance of her and her son is getting personal and was very upset that she didn't come to the baby shower, even for two minutes just to give her present and wave "hi" from the front door.

Devon friend is like a sister to me (I'm an only child) and I feel really upset for her. I feel it's got to the point now where it should be pointed out to other friend that even if there's nothing in it, her avoidance is starting to feel personal to Devon friend.

We have been wondering if maybe it's something to do with Devon friend's son, if other friend can't have children but as she works in a nursery can't really imagine it is. She sees another 2 friends with babies quite regularly and it's not a problem.

What would you do ?

"if other friend can't have children but as she works in a nursery can't really imagine it is."

I would say that if she works in a nursery, thus proving she likes small children, it is quite likely, yes, that she can't have children.

Maybe it's the pregnancy she is jealous of, not the babies.

When I thought I would never have children I found pregnant women very difficult to be around. Once their babies had arrived, however, I was not jealous at all as the babies were people who belonged with their mums and dads, and I didn't want them, I wanted my own, IYSWIM.

Is your Devon friend someone who goes on and on about motherhood and pregnancy? People like that can be crashing bores, especially if like your other friend you work in a nursery and are with babies all day. A night out with a bunch of new mums must be like a busman's holiday.

This sentence of yours is very revealing "Other friend has no children herself, no hobbies and doesn't have a stressful job so it's not as if she has too much to pack into her days as all she does in the evening is eat a ready meal with her husband and watch TV." It reads as if you think her life is so empty she should be grateful for your pregnancies and children to fawn over. Maybe that's not how she really feels but if she is picking up the same vibes as I am that may be why she is avoiding you all.

No, all I meant by that sentence was that she hasn't got so much crammed into her life that it's impossible to spare 2 hours to see a friend she has known for nearly 23 years that she only has the opportunity to see twice a year.

I certainly don't think that she should be fawning over the baby. She doesn't avoid all of us, she sees the other 2 of us every Saturday night and sometimes in the week - and she has been very excited about my pregnancy. It's just Devon friend that she always makes an excuse of not seeing.

A couple of the meetings up have been childfree and she still didn't want to go to those; also Devon friend doesn't talk about son unless with people that want to talk about him, she's not one of those Mums that has nothing else to talk about.

And I don't think she can't have children because she told me a couple of months ago that she'd had a pregnancy scare and was worried sick about it as she wasn't ready for a baby.

Perhaps she wouldn't still be friends with Devon friend if you weren't?

I am one of a group of four who have been friends for - gasp - 33 years !! We all try and get together as a four but, realising that this is sometimes difficult to to manage we meet up in twos as well. But there are two of us who will never meet up as a two, because their own relationship is not that close. Does that make sense? I know what I mean, I am just not sure whether I am explaining it.

I guess I mean that just because your Devon friend is as close as a sister to you, it doesn't mean that the other friend still feels the same. She probably feels they have nothing in common any more.

Maybe Devon friend has made a comment about motherhood/pregnancy that has made other friend want to avoid her. I could take offence for England when I was TTC and getting nowhere, and I had a friend (whom I love) who would dominate the conversation for hours on "OOOhhh I can't believe I'll soon have twooooo children, who'd have thought it!" till I wanted to punch her.

You could ask other friend what's going on? I expect you'll get a sad reply.

ah sorry x-posted!

But one of the symptoms of not feeling ready for a baby would surely be finding pregnant mums crashingly boring, no?

Personally, my experience of tight group friendships is that not everyone is as close to every person, if that makes sense - it's often more like one person will be very close to maybe one or two of the others, but not all three.

It's kind of between them to be honest so I wouldn't bother fussing about it unless either of them has said anything.

Just ask her outright.
Say you have noticed that she hasn't accepted the invitiation the last few visits, and does she feel that the friendship is drifting, for some reason?

If people are getting upset, best ask, in an open straightforward way - second guessing will only lead o more upset.

Maybe she really is ill. If she works in a nursery it's likely she picks up a lot of bugs.

"But one of the symptoms of not feeling ready for a baby would surely be finding pregnant mums crashingly boring, no?"

I don't know, I guess I just think she might make a bit of an effort for Devon friend even if just feigning interest for an hour a year.

The friend with no children must have fallen out with the Devon friend over something you are not aware of, surely?

I would just leave it in your position - if you push to find out what it is, it could damage your own friendships with both these girls.

Don't think so crokky, Devon friend can't understand what the problem is either so I don't think they've fallen out. Third friend has also commented on it so it's not just me and Devon friend that have noticed.

I think you're right though, I don't want to be piggy in the middle.

What is an OBO friend?

It's like a clarinet friend but a bit smaller

oh rofl, v v good

And op, if it's souring your own relationship with the one who didn't turn up then I wld just ask her "have you fallen out with friend?" and she'll either be surprised bc she didn't realise she had missed do many meet ups or she will let you know what's going on. But you do risk losing her friendship so only worth it if it's really bothering you.

she's offended On Behalf Of her friend