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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on a 'last minute' friend?

8 replies

delilahbelle · 30/10/2009 14:18

I'll try and keep this simple, but my friend (M) has really iritated me recently.

We are very different poeple, both with busy lives, but always have a great time when we get together and go out.

I'm finding though that it's just harder and harder to find the time, and I could cope with this, we are both busy people. It's just she never organises anything, or wants to make plans but then strops when things don't go her way!

Recent examples:
Another friend (G) wanted, and organised a weekend away for her 30th. M was invited as well. We both went, it was great fun, but also the weekend AFTER M's 30th. I thought I made enough of a fuss, I sent flowers, got her a cake and a nice bracelet, but she got all grumpy about "her" 30th not being celebrated - despite the fact it was someone else's 30th, and she had not made any effort to sort out a party for herself.

This week a few of us were talking, and decided to go out for a meal together before Xmas. We settled on a date, but M couldn't commit. Why? Because she wanted to keep her diary clear as there's so much going on around then, and wasn't sure she could make it. Another friend booked the table for the rest of us, but not a place for her as she didn't confirm, and now she's upset about it.

In 2 weeks time, a couple of us are going for a night out, and she said she would be around. So I got in touch to ask about times and places, and she said she hadn't decided what she was doing, and would let me know on the day if she was free. So I said OK, DH is going out with a different group of friends, if you are not around I'll join him.

And now she's in a mood with me, I think because she wants the option of going out with us even if she doesn't let us know until the last minute.

For what it's worth she's single and childfree, but I am getting SO fed up with having to wait until the last minute to see if she's coming out with us, or dealing with the fallout if we plan something that doesn't include her.

God, this is long. But AIBU to stop calling her/making arrangements?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2009 14:32

YAB a little U - bot only a very little. If she is single/childless she probably doesn't appreciate that the attached parents have to PLAN their time. You need to point it out to her bluntly.

And I'd probably point out to her that her insistence on only making last-minute decisions is hurtful, as it implies that your company is only for when there's no better offer. And be very blunt that she has no right to get snotty if a table/event is booked without her when she won't commit to it - that's just childish beyond belief (on her part).

BlurredBoundaries · 30/10/2009 14:47

YANBU - she sounds rather immature.

I used to get really annoyed with frineds who would not commit in case something better came along.

I agree with whereyouleftit, make it clear that her situation is her own fault because of her behaviour.

claraquack · 30/10/2009 14:50

YANBU, she sounds like a pain. I would stop pandering to her and leave it up to her to organise herself. And ignore her if she starts whinging.

RGPargy · 30/10/2009 14:54

I think it's a real cheek that she wont commit "just in case" she has a better offer!! Honestly!! It seems like your company is not good enough to book in her diary unless she has nothing better to do. I reckon you should (excuse the language) "fuck her off" and be done with it, unless she can make definite plans with you. If it were me, the next time she said "oh i dont know what i'm doing, blah blah blah...." i'd just book your night out without her!

TombliBOOOOOObs · 30/10/2009 14:56

YANBU

She is basically keeping you on hold to see if she gets a better offer.

I would just ask once, tell her she needs to get back to you by X date, and if she hasn't then that is her problem.

You can keep the friendship, but just don't go out of your way or let her manipulate you, then you won't feel resentful and can enjoy her company when deems it fit to bother.

TombliBOOOOOObs · 30/10/2009 14:57

that should be when she deems it fit to bother

Original poster

delilahbelle · 30/10/2009 15:11

Thanks, I think you all have good points.

I think I can handle her not saying yes/no to nights out until the last minute, I am very organised and she is a lot more laid back. I DO get very fed up though with the sulking and stroping if she's not included.

I am going to take a step back, and only invite her out when I have already made arrangements with other people. That way if she doesn't join us I won't lose out.

OP posts:

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 30/10/2009 16:46

YANBU but a part of me does feel sorry for her.
She reminds me a bit of my ex's mum. You would invite her for something (christmas, meal out etc) and she would say of I havem't decided what i'm doing yet she once did say i'll wait and see what offers I get actually the withces hat there would suit her
The thing was though is that exmil was so low in self esteem that if one of her friends or something made her an offer she would be scared to refuse it in a way. Not that she didn't want to be with them but somewhere along the way she knew that us as her family would always forgive her she was worried that her friends wouldn't. Sad really she couldn't see that her friends were her friends through choice we were actually stuck with her

So possibly your friend is just a bit worried in the same sort of way.....or maybe she is just a bit ignorant I don't know.

I do that with SIL only invite her along to plans already made as she is bad for cancelling (and not telling you which is worse) and even then I invite her rarely now.

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