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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want another baby

18 replies

slushy06 · 30/10/2009 11:33

I have a ds 3y and a dd 4mths when I was pg I was very frightened that having a second child would change my feelings for ds but since having her I have realised that I was being silly and want another child however everyone keeps saying how lovely one of each when are you getting sterilized. If I say that I haven't decided yet whether I want another baby people say but you already have one of each you don't want any more.

When I was pg on dd I really didn't mind whether she was a girl or a boy and I don't care now I just don't feel like I want to have just two kids I would like a third but when I have said that people are saying don't be greedy be happy with what I have and that there are some people who can't have any kids and I do really feel sorry for those people but that is not me and although my heart goes out to them I don't see why that means I can't have a third dc in a few years time.

Why is it so socially unacceptable for me to want to have a third I have spoken to my dp and although he has said he doesn't feel the need to have a third when I was pg he refused a vasectomy because he said he was not ready and he has agreed that if I still feel this way in two years we will discuss it then. He didn't want a second until ds was 2 and then he proposed the idea I think he just gets overwhelmed.

I love both my kids very much and if I was unable to have any more I would be perfectly happy but I just don't feel like I have finished having children does that make sence. why is everyone so against the idea of me having a third surely it is my life and body and only me and dp can decide what is right for us no one looks after my children so it is not like me having a third will effect them at all and I know my hormones are still all up but that is why we are waiting two years to decide.

Sorry turned into an essay here I guess my feelings are very strong on this

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 30/10/2009 11:36

"everyone keeps saying how lovely one of each when are you getting sterilized. "

do people really say this!? How rude and how odd.

of course YANBU. I amone of three, I know loads of parents who have 3 or more. How odd that the people you know find it so unacceptabe!

Original poster
slushy06 · 30/10/2009 11:41

They only find it unacceptable because I have one of each but it would apparently be ok to try for a certain sex .

It is mostly family members who are trying for kids themselves and want my baby stuff and I have said I will sort it but they cant have it all as I may want a third.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 30/10/2009 11:42

It's between you and your DH to make that decision.

It's really important that you don't listen to other people's comments about your life choices because then you may as well let them decide everything for you.

Having another baby is an extremely personal decision that only you and your DH can agree upon.

Weird making the sterilising comment. Haven't people heard of contraception?

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 11:46

it isnt your sole decision,it isnt unilateral.as a copupe you both must agree to have another.

you have to respect his no.

dont listen to any quacky advice to "accidentally" get pg.that is really deceitful and bad advice

Original poster
slushy06 · 30/10/2009 11:49

The sterilizing comment was made by SIL who after having two ds is having one done.

Also a women at the school with 4 dc when I said I am not having it done she said I would be sorry when I had two accidents like her so I said I would love a large family and she asked why on earth would I choose to have more than two if I already have one of each. I haven't spoke to her since.

I just want everyone to accept that this is up to me and dp and frankly none of their business is that too much to ask.

OP posts:
Morloth · 30/10/2009 11:52

I am always amazed when reading Mumsnet at the stuff people seem to feel free to say!

Tell them to pull their heads in. Don't get sterilised if you are not sure, it took us 5 years after having DS to consider another.

Original poster
slushy06 · 30/10/2009 11:52

I would never get accidentally pg scottish mummy as I think that is unfair to dp and child and although he has said he does not want to discuss this right now he said that after ds and I sence he will change his mind if he doesn't then I will cross that bridge when I come to it and deal with my not having any more than two children.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 11:53

well you need to be more assertive both consistently make it clear your private business not up for tittle tattle

unfortunately,parenthood makes some people feel they can comment on all aspects of your life

katalex · 30/10/2009 14:37

I have a 4 year old dd and 2 year old ds. When I was pg with ds I was surprised at the number of people who told me that I didn't need to have any more children because I would have one of each. They all seemed shocked when I told them that actually dh and I were planning on having 3. My sister takes every opportunity to tell me that I'm mad wanting more than 2. No one has ever been so rude as to ask when I'm getting sterilised though

Don't listen to these people. I am one of 3 and I know lots of people who have 2 siblings. I don't understand why it seems to strange to people to want to have more than 2 children.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 30/10/2009 15:05

What makes some people think they have the right to give their opinion on how many children other people should have ??

It makes me really angry!

I am the complete opposite of the OP....I have 2 DS's and know that I don't want any more, yet people still proceed to tell me that I should try for a girl "next time". They don't seem to understand when I say there won't be a next time!!!

teameric · 30/10/2009 15:10

YANBU I've got one of each and am thinking of having a third, if anyone said this to me I'd tell them to fuck right off

LadyOfTheFlowers · 30/10/2009 15:21

I have 3 boys and when I announced I was preg with a third people asked me why - even though I had 2 of the same sex.

When I had DS2 I realised I would probably have another boy so didn't really care either way.

Family, like MIL, couldn't understand why we had another - she had 2 boys though she did want another to try for a girl.
All on DHs side have 2 kids so think this is the way to go and the right way to do things.

I am preg with no.4 (which will be our last) and a mother at the school gates stopped me recently to ask me outright if I would have any more? She said I already had 3 boys to 'contend with' and 'poor old me - you certainly don't need any more'.

I didn't tell her I was preg but I can't hide it any more, so she will see on Tuesday and hopefuly feel really shitty about what she said.

Yes, I have tried to hide my bump as long as I can to hold of unsolicited comments about:

1 - Having my hands full
2 - 'Bet you're hoping it's a girl'
3 - 'I've got my fingers crossed for you it's a girl'
4 - WHY I would WANT MORE?

Am thinking my 'Fuck Off and Die' look is going to be terribly overused in the next few weeks until the dust settles.

fernie3 · 30/10/2009 15:23

I have two girls and one boy and we have just decided to try for a fourth! so no YANBU Ignore whoever says these things its none of their business!

Northernlurker · 30/10/2009 15:31

If I had a pound for everybody who said to dh and I 'who are you hoping for a boy' when expecting dc3...well I'd be quite well off Especially when you add in those who actually asked if we were disappointed with our beautiful dd3 and our next door neighbours girlfriend who asked (in about only the second conversation we had ever had) 'Did you mean to have her'?

The rudeness people stoop to is unbelievable. In your shoes I would be privately resolving that anyone who says anything of that sort is straight off the baby stuff rehoming list!

Firawla · 30/10/2009 15:44

yanbu i cant believe people made such comments as the sterilising one, how rude!!!!!!
have as many as you want and are able to cope with, it is noone's business nor is it "greedy"

Original poster
slushy06 · 30/10/2009 19:59

Thanks ladies I am glad that there is not something wrong with me I was beginning to wonder.

How can people justify being so rude and intrusive what is it about being a parent that makes people believe you have no right to privacy.

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 30/10/2009 20:16

YANBU people think pregnancy/other people's future children plans are public property.

When I was pregnant with dd2 nearly everyone assumed it was a 'mistake' or 'accident' or felt some need to comment.

Even the midwives when DH brought dd1 in to visit (she was 1)

Err no it was planned.

Now trying for a third. Expecting same comments as you OP as Mum and MIL both have said stick with what we have.

mollybob · 30/10/2009 21:59

i am currently preg with no 3 - have one of each and they're 11 and 8 but the desire for a third was there so here I am

i'm so sick and exhausted that i'm beginning to wonder if i've done the right thing but DH assures me i didn't want either of the other two at this stage in pregnancy and now they are my world so no doubt i'll get there

people are so full of it - ignore them!

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