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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel that DH is not pulling his weight...

12 replies

jeffily · 28/10/2009 09:00

Sorry, this is really going to be a moan. I am so pissed off.
There always seems to be an excuse why he can't look after DD. She is 7 months old now, and he has looked after her alone for 1 morning (I left her napping at 9.30 and was home by 12 for lunch) and 2 x1.5 hour stints in that whole time. I regularly ask for some time, he'll agree and then there ends up being some reason why he can't. They've included
~i've got a rotten cold and don't want to be solely in charge of her
~i've got a headache and her noise makes it worse
~i've got marking to do for work (he did have, but had had 4 months in which to do it, just hadn't organised himself to get it done)
~i've got essays to write for my course (ditto above, only he has known for 2 years that they needed doing)
~ I just need to nip out for something (and not return for ages, till she needs feeding so I am left doing it anyway)
Today he is supposed to be looking after her for the morning, and suddenly he has chest pains. (I am really going to feel bad if something terrible happens to him after posting this!!!)
Other avoidance tactics include; just ignoring her so that I end up going to her, because I don't feel it is fair on her that she is not engaged but sat in her chair with someone's back at her; 'not knowing' where anything is so I end up having to make her lunch/find her nappy stuff/get her clothes out/tell him what we would usually do (I have tried to tell him all of these things but he doesn't listen); asking me to hold her for a minute while he has a wash/goes to the loo/gets dressed (all things I do with her in tow even when he is in the house and I could ask him to look after her).
Added to this he sleeps on the sofa at night, spends about 1 in 10 in bed with me all night and complains all the next day about how tired he is. He 'doesn't notice' when she has done a poo and leaves her in it unless I say something. He doesn't feed her or do her bath unless I ask him to, and then I still have to get it all ready.
The only house work he does is the washing up (crapply, he puts everything in the bowl at the same time- ie glasses with greasy pans) and putting on the odd load of washing.
So I basically do all the housework (what little gets done, the house is a tip but it's not possible to stay on top of it all with DD! I am seriously ashamed of the state of the house, so much so that I don't want people over anymore), all the child care, including all the nights, all the shopping and all the cooking. I know I am on maternity leave, but he is only working part time and I am still paying more than half of the house money as I saved carefully before going on ML so that we could afford for me to take 9 months off. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

I should add that he does love us both, DD adores him and he adores her, and I do love him to bits. He doesn't deliberately not do anything, just doesn't listen to/think about me.
Sorry, it's a real moan, but I am seriously hacked off!

OP posts:

Firawla · 28/10/2009 09:05

YANBU!!

LaurieScaryCake · 28/10/2009 09:05

What makes you think he 'loves' you ???? Love is an action - too many women pretend that he really, really loves them when he's not showing it in any way

YANBU - he is having an easy ride and you ar letting it happen.

Sharpyharpy · 28/10/2009 09:08

Go out - tell him where you are going and how long you will be - pick your hand bag and keys up and walk out the door. Repeat and do at regular intervals

traceybath · 28/10/2009 09:08

Yanbu but you need to take responsibility for letting him treat you like this.

A sit down chat when baby is in bed would be my recommendation.

diddl · 28/10/2009 09:10

YANBU!

I can´t decide as if he doesn´t think he is capable of looking after your daughter or lackes the confidence or just can´t be bothered and sees it as "your job".

MissWooWoo · 28/10/2009 09:14

YANBU - he is taking the piss and needs a big kick up the arse.

What Sharpyharpy says.

Original poster

jeffily · 28/10/2009 09:19

You know, you are so right. I read that message and I just doesn't sound like the person I am. I sound like a right door mat. How did I let it get into this state? I need to start being more proactive about it, you are right Tracey. I'll talk to him about it again tonight, and starting NOW I'll make myself scarce from the house so he has no choice but to deal with it as you suggest sharprharpy.
And LSC, you're right. And if I let it go on like this, then 'love' won't be in the equation any longer will it?
I think maybe we both need a 'kick up the arse'!!!!

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 28/10/2009 09:29

Yay jeffily!

Sharpyharpy · 28/10/2009 09:54

you go girl - and while I agree with many of traceybath's post I think what you nedd is quite calm action not talk - talking will sound like moaning unless you are very good - or therapy if your too good lol. Show not tell!

allaboutme · 28/10/2009 10:00

He will never get the confidence to manage it all on his own if he never actually has to do it.
You really have to go out and let him work it out by himself!
Tell him you are going out on Sat. Something you cant miss - a hair appt or something you really need/want to go to.
Warn him that its important to you and that if he has work etc to get done then he must plan around having DD on Saturday and not leaving it till last minute.
On Saturday, even if he has a 'cold' or anything else, tell him you are sorry, but you must go to your appt. Then leave.
Stay out and HAVE FUN! meet a friend for lunch or go shopping!
Do it on a regular basis and he will get much more comfortable looking after DD on his own, in his own way and wont make up sily excuses to avoid it any more when you need him to watch her!

woozlet · 28/10/2009 10:10

yanbu and I was going to say what sharpy said. DS is 8 months old, and for comparison, dh has looked after him for 2 whole weekends by himself and probably about 5 full days, plus a few evenings. If you just leave him to it he will cope fine, he might be nervous about taking charge of her because he hasn't really before.

Oh and as for the ignoring her thing. My dh can be guilt of that, but don't go to her, just tell him that she needs some attention.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/10/2009 10:25

YANBU
My DH was a bit rubbish when DS was younger. He would always defer to me with nappies, baths etc and make excuses. However he was supportive of me going out for the evening and even though he found it hard I did go out by myself. He was also lazy with housework while I was on mat leave.
Since going back to work he has had DS 3 days a week and has blossomed. He now has confidence with DS and takes a much more active role in the housework because he doesn't actually like living in a tip and sees that if I'm not there he has to do it! He's far from perfect (still lazy) but I no longer feel like I want to kill him
It is hard sometimes, DS wails whenever I leave in the morning and DH finds that very upsetting but he deals with it. He left him in a poo nappy for hours once and DS got a horrible rash for days and he felt very guilty so he never did it again.

The answer is that you just have to leave him with her. Make plans to go out, go shopping, hair done etc and inform him that he will be looking after DD then. If she's bf she will be fine for a good few hours now she's weaned. Tell him where everything is once and let him work it out.

Good luck!

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