Is this a shit parent in your opinion?

[ElvesAnonymous]

If I was to tell you that I have a 16 year old son who was born with a disibility, as well as very limited sight and deafness and I sent him out an adoptive family as a little baby but still saw him once a week, would you think I was an absolutely shit parent that didn't deserve a child?

My nephew is not being cared for by his mother.

now, while it wasnt her choice and SS stepped in when she became ill and unable to care for him (he's severely autistic), she see's in hindsight that it was the best thing she could do.

She has a 4mo baby and see's her son twice a week.. he's with specialist foster carers who run a special school and has come on immensly since he was with them and she is able to care for her baby.

I think if you cannot give your child the care they need, it is better to admit that and get them the level of care they need than to try and struggle to cope and fail them.

No.

I dont think in your example and that of Julia Hollander we can or should judge a decision made to give your dc up for adoption. The phrases "There but for the grace of God go I", and "Dont judge until youve walked a mile in my shoes" seem very appropriate.
I do find it strange you think Julia a "bad person"-she had her reasons and so did you.I cant believe it makes you feel any better about your decision to feel this way, and it doesnt alter the decision you made.
I have a ds with disabilites and severely challenging behaviour, and whilst not putting him up for adoption,(hes in his teens), I would hope any future decisions made for him, will be born out of love for him and what will be best for his needs now and longer term.
I would hope other people would understand this-especially family and close friends, but in the end, it is noone elses business, and they cannot know why any decision was made, cos my life is not their life. Noone knows what they would do in such a situation as yours or Julias until they are in it.
I think what people can and do judge is Julias decision to sell her story and be so vocal about what she did, and her motives for doing that.

I wouldn't judge you. I've never been in your shoes, but I'm guessing I'd have done what you did... Poor you, having to deal with the weight of what other people think of you and how you coped with a situation nobody would wish for...

No you just sound like you wanted the best for your DS but knew you couldn't give it to him.

You sound human in fact. Not everyone is cut out to be able to cope with a severely disabled child. No one should be judged for that.

I'm not sure it's so much the act of giving up the baby that is the issue, but what happened after. I.e. Julia hollander had another child who was (in her words) "the perfect baby Immy should have been." and wrote a book and went on television and the radio and in the papers and talked about the lack of support for parents (when she has never actually experienced this, she had immy for just five months), and how most parents of disabled children feel the urge to kill them at some point, and so on.

I think for me one of the biggest issues is the going on to have another baby. Because what would happen if that baby was disabled, and the one after that, and the one after that. Would she have gone on to have babies until she had a healthy one? Giving up the disabled ones along the way? And what if one of the perfect children became disabled due to accident or illness - would she have given that up too and hoped to have another one to replace it?

I can sort of see how someone might feel unable to cope with a disabled child and decide that perhaps that child would be better off with someone else. But I cannot see how someone could then go on to have more children in the hope they would not be disabled and bring those children up while knowing they had given away their sibling. And I cannot see how that could be good for those children, because they would surely know deep down that if they ever became ill or disabled they could not rely on their parent to be there for them.

It's all quite complex and on your OP can't really be judged to be honest (this is honesty on my part). As time goes on I feel sorry for Julia tbh as I'm not at all convinced she made the right decision for her (judging from the things she's said) and I think she's paid a high price for family wishes.

I don't believe in martyrdom. So I don't judge not coping. My son will eventually end up in care. I very much hope we will have him at home until his late teens/twenties, but this does depend on his behaviours. When he moves it will be to an institution rather than another family.

Do you feel you made the right decision? As the mother of a severely disabled child I can't pretend to understand your decision but that doesn't mean I automatically judge it.

I get cross with Julia mainly because of things she says about individuals with severe disability, and how she compares them unfavourably to those who are NT. It's not so much what she did (for me) but what she says.

no, you made a decision that was best for you and your child.