Maybe I am.

[Wigglesworth]

Okay a little background:
I have an older DB and when he was really little my fathers parents were quite wealthy and spoiled him absolutely rotten, which my parents allowed them to do. He is 35 now and is still spoilt, lives at home with them and doesn't work (or pay anything for rent or food), he has no sense of responsibility or owness for things, if he fucks up they bail him out. He doesn't appreciate things because he has never had to work for them and has had things handed to him on a plate. They have never dealt with these issues with him and it really annoys me. I am nothing like him, I work hard and have done since I left school and anything I have is a result of that, my Dad's parents passed away shortly after I was born so I wasn't "treated" to the things he was.
I have a 1 yo DS and before he was born I spoke to them about the whole issue and that I am very wary about history repeating itself with the spoiling etc. They kind of listened at first but they are now turning up with things for him (they see him at least once a week) most of the time.
It also feels like they are stepping on our toes a bit, he really likes aeroplanes ATM and myself and DH were going to get him one. They were coming to visit on Sat and before they came my Mum rang and said "we have got him a plane, we were going to save it for xmas but we want to bring it tonight for him".
When they got to the house my Dad said "we wanted to give it to him because he's been a good boy". It wasn't a special occasion and he hadn't been a "good" boy or anything they just got it for him. I know I probably sound like an ungrateful cow and I thinks it's lovely they want to buy him things etc it's just the getting him things for no reason and passing it off as a reward I am not keen on. I know he is too little to understand now but I think this should be nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Everytime he seems to like something new they say "oh we will have to get him one of those" before me and DH get chance to and it feels like they kind of think he is their child. AIBU and neurotic to feel like this? How can I deal with this without hurting their feelings or seeming ungrateful?

YAB a bit U, but I can see why. However, you and your DH aren't your parents, so you won't raise your DS they way they raised your DB. Presents for no reason won't spoil your DS; your input is much more important than that.

Sounds like you've got feelings for your brother mixed up with feelings about your son.

How often do the GP's see your son? If it's regularly and they're bringing a big present each time then I can see your point.

If it's infrequent they are just being normal GP's.

Don't tell them if there'ssomething specific you want to save to buy for him yourself. My Mum is notorious for 'stealing' present ideas !

My SIL feels like this about her PIL and to be honest, it is more to do with the way she feels about them than what they do in relation to her DD if that makes sense (if her own mother behaved in the same way it probably wouldn't matter to her so much becuse she doesn't have any issues with her own mum but she does with her in laws).

I often think my SIL is being unreasonable but I also see where she is coming from. I do think a lot of it comes down to the relationship you have with them.

Usually when I see threads about granparebts spoilling the GDCs, I feel that the Op is a bit ungratefull. In you case I must say YANBU but I also think OldLadyKnowsNothing is right in this instance. Your parenting will probably not have the same consequences as theirs.

How old is your Ds? Is it possible to store some presents they bring for a time you think will be more approrpiate (birthday, good marks in school, really nice behaviour...)? Could you tell them " oh thank you very much, Ds will love it but I would rather wait a bit to give it to him as I worry he might not be able to look after it properly just yet?" this way they will be reassured that he willl get the present they chose for him but you would have more input into the "speed" the gifts are comming at?

But the fact that your brother gets bailed out now is down to your parents,isn´t it?

I can´t really see the correlation between being spoilt by grandparents as a child and not turning into an independent adult, tbh.

Telll them either not to bring something every visit or it must be a certain item.

My parents loved bringing Matchbox cars!

This is a hard one. Gut feeling is YANBU BUT GPs love to spoil GC. That's the way it is.

I think the problem is perhaps not that they get your DS presents but that they like to beat you to the "best" present that DS would like?

I would suggest that you don't inform GPs what you're going to get DS to avoid the one-up-man-ship game. And of course you could turn it to your advantage - is there anything you want him to have but weren't going to buy yourselves? Mention that you were going to buy said toy and hey-presto I suspect they'll get it for him!

As for your brother, you need to find a way to let this go. Is he any happier than you for all the material things he has?