as he doesn't seem to be able to move on from the horrible time WE ALL HAD after my 2nd (his 1st) child was finally fecking born. I am so so mad with him - I can't even sleep.
PND for 18 months, after being pg for 2 years, burying our first son after a late mc, followed by an early mc and then a terrifying 3rd pg, resulting in our beautiful and perfect son...followed by the PND.
Had long debate b4 bed as I was stupid enough to talk about how things COULD be if current pg goes full term and we get a baby...
Of course DH reply was along the lines of he's resigned to having a big chart with 570 squares that he will cross of at the end of the day in the knowledge that eventually HIS life won't be so sh*t after that (as that was how long it took for things to settle down after DS was finally born) It's as tho he lives in a world where everyone else was having a fecking party while he was being abused by us all as the rest of us enjoyed living with HIM and my PND. Then went on to tell me how awful I was and how miserable his life had been, but it was what he was expecting this time as I don't do what I am told listen to him.
Friends of ours have managed to have quite a nice time after their babies were born, but they didn't have the hormones to contend with, or my husbands stupid mouth. He acts as tho everything bad during those 18 months was the result of MY PND (but it's not YOUR fault), because of course he has forgotton all the rubbish and hurtful things he said and did. He found being a father and the extra responsibilities really hard to deal with and if I can give him that much of a disclaimer why can't HE move on.
I know I was absolutely horrid and struggled with a mental illness after DS was born and I am trying and succeeding in not going there again (so far) despite having a rubbish time with this pg (see the bleeding threads...) BUT he doesn't seem to think that the way HE acted was in any way shape or form a contributing factor - am starting to feel a bit stupid as I really didn't realise until tonight just how entrenched he STILL is in the past and how he seems incapeable of moving on into the future.
FFS there wouldn't be enough space to write down all the rubbish things he said and did after DS was born, which started even before I'd been seen by the consultant to see if my MASSIVE tear needed to be sewn up in theatre. If I spent my time focussing on the past in the way he does I wouldn't be able to live with the man.
At the end of the day sh*t happens and you have to move on from it. It can't shape the whole of your future. If I had let the past shape our future my DH wouldn't have a son, as I would not have risked losing another baby the way I did our first son.
I am worried he just will not let this go, which is a familial feature in his messed up family. Things seemed to be so back together again and here he is refusing to accept any responsibility for how crap our relationship was after DS was born. BTW I know our rubbish relationship was entirely our own faults and nothing to do with the kids.
Boy oh boy I am MAD MAD MAD. (and he stalked off as soon as any reference was made to BOTH our behaviour)
Probably mad to be breeding again now I know this is going on inside his head