to not invite my dad for xmas?

[ilovetochat]

dp and i have been together 8 years and have spent every xmas day at home alone, we now have dd 2 and still prefer the day at home.
on xmas eve we meet my mom and step dad and step sisters at a restaurant and on boxing day we visit dps parents and siblings at their houses or our house.

my dad has had various girlfriends over the past 12 years and has always spent xmas with them. he books a fortnight away somewhere and tells me he will see me in the new year. he hates xmas, hates religion, wont have a tree, wont display cards, only sends us a card, wont answer the door to visitors or visit anyone, wont listen to xmas songs, goes mad at carol singers and rants about him being an atheist and its all crap.

this year he is single, although he is dating, and has said he must meet someone by xmas as he doesnt want to be alone.

i know if he met someone he would book a holiday without a second thought and be gone.

aibu to not invite him to ours even if he is alone?

if he came to ours he would want to know the precise time of dinner, no songs, wouldnt want to play with dd, would drink a lot, and would go mad if anyone turned up and we let them in as he hates being surprised my visitors.

he hasnt attended dds partys or christening as he is atheist and didnt want to see anyone particularly my mom and wanted me to guarantee a time when he could see dd alone and we would turn others away, which we refused as we had open house for dds birthdays.

he hasnt asked to come and i dont think he would ask but i think if he is single he will want to come even though he doesnt agree with our xmas.

If you get along with your dad, other than the fact he's a bit of a misery guts, then yes I think you are being unreasonable and a bit mean spirited to not invite him. Would you want your dad to be lonely at Christmas?

besides, family fall outs are part and parcel of Christmas !

Recommend a cruise for him for Christmas - he will meet other likeminded individuals and get a holiday to boot.

...yes, that's a much better idea

YANBU to not invite him. It would be a nightmare - no-one would enjoy it, not even him. As for being alone at Christmas - well, tough! Might have something to do with the way he treats people, including his string of girlfriends. Stigaloid's suggestion sounds like a good idea, and would stop you feeling guilty.

he would love to go away.

i do love him and dont want him to be lonely, but i dont want him to ruin xmas for us and dd and i dont want to annoy my mom and dps parents and i feel like we are the booby prize for if he doesnt get a better offer.

Go online and see what cruises are available - many cater to single travellers too and they tend to be of your father's age (i.e. grandparent's age) He may meet a lovely girlfriend en route!

not sure hed go alone.

Well, if he doesn´t agree with Christmas, then why should he care if he´s on his own?

It sounds as if he is only interested in the food and drink, anyway!

he doesnt agree with religion or tradition but finds it a lonley time as everyone else is celebrating so he prefers to go away.

I know what you are saying, and I´m sure you don´t want him to be alone.

But assuming he works, what does he do at weekends/Summer hols, for example?

Why is it different to that just because it´s Christmas?

I wouldn´t be so bad if it didn´t sound as if he is using you.

I don´t see why he can´t go away alone if "necessary".

If you do decide to invite him for Christmas, he should understand that it's on your terms - ie. you are going to give your daughter a lovely christmas, with lots of songs and decorations etc, that dinner will happen when it happens, and that no curmudgeonly behaviour will be allowed!

On second thoughts, the cruise sounds like a safer idea.

staying, if he is invited it will be on our terms, there will be songs, decorations, religion, dinner when ready to fit round us and dd and if a neighbour/distant relative rings the bell they will be invited in even if he protests.
he works most days of the week andf as i say normally has a girlfriend for holidays.
i think what annoys me is if i invited him now i know he would cancel if he met a girlfriend in the mean time.

Being an Atheist isn't an excuse for absenting yourself from normal social customs and holidays - my parents were and are Atheists (as are me and my brother) and they always gave us a lovely Xmas, complete with religious carols for the grandparents, etc., and have always fully participated in christenings, birthdays and so on. As well as his Atheist nonsense, everything else you say about him makes it sound like he expects the world to revolve him and has to have everything his own way. Xmas should be about and for kids - and I think you already know what the answer is to your query: don't invite him. He is a grown adult and his happiness is not your responsibility - especially as he appears to be more bothered about his own needs and using daft excuses to never consider anyone else's happiness and needs. Perhaps a bit of loneliness would be just what he needs to give him a wake up call and realise that he needs to 'give' more to others in order to receive.

Be strong!

thanks scorpette, it hurt me a lot that he wouldnt attend dds christening as he "hates churches and all that crap" and said he was surprised we wanted to go through with it.

its a while off yet but i have made no offers so far, i love xmas just the 3 of us and if it takes dd ages to open/play with things we can put dinner back or wait while she naps, just daft things that make it a relaxed family day.

"...and if it takes dd ages to open/play with things we can put dinner back or wait while she naps, just daft things that make it a relaxed family day...."

But if they're what make your xmas special for you and your child, then they're not daft!

Imagine what lovely memories your little girl will have of her Xmas's. She gets to open her toys at her speed, she's full of energy all day, relatives drop in when they feel like it and dinner is ready when it's ready and everyone is ready for it. There's no stress, no fighting, no fuss.

Sounds fantastic!

Send your Dad on his cruise! He sounds a bit precious with all his 'my way or the highway stuff' tbh. He's a grown man and he's clearly not elderly or infirm. Why stress over wrecking your (jaelously-inducingly idyllic sounding) Xmas because he might not have anything better to do?

thanks ginny, thats makes me feel a bit better about not instantly inviting him.

i hope dd has happy xmas memories, dp only gets a couple of days off so i love cosying up just the 3 of us and we go for a lovley wintery walk after dinner and its our traditions really that mean so much.

i know some people like all their family there but our family is so disjointed and i feel ive made my own happy little family instead.

anyone remember this thread.
well i thought id update, dad has met someone, he has known her the grand total of a month, he has now told me he's not sure when he will be able to see me at all over xmas as he wants to spend time with his new woman, probably at her house, so i will have to pick dds present up from his house when he is out, and next year they are going away.

why did i bother stressing?

Sounds as if it´s all worked out OK then!

Phew... Close call! NICE!!!!

Glad to know it all worked out okay.

Why do we put ourselves through this for the sake of one day, eh?