to have taken 3 maternity leaves?

[Kathyis12feethighandbites]

This thread is making me very uncomfortable.
I am wondering if I am one of these women who is seen as taking the piss, abusing our generous employment rights etc.
I know that is how my head of department sees it.

I've had 3 children in 5 years, taken an average of 3 months off in each pg due to hyperemesis. This time I was sick right the way through so was not working at 100% capacity the rest of the time though I did my very best.
I took 6 months mat leave the first time, a year the second and will take 9 months this time. I have never taken my full holiday entitlement because I feel too bad about it.

Should I have not had the third child, especially given that I knew I was likely to get hyperemesis again?

My employer is a big one (a university) so should be able to absorb the cost, BUT as there is a policy of not always giving the dept any money for cover (even when they are saving money on salary ) the strain did fall on colleagues/the departmental budget.

This is a tricky one, because you should be able to take the time off - and are legally entitled to - but it can cause problems for colleagues and employers depending on how they handle it. In your case, if your employer doesn't provide cover when people are off, that's not your fault or problem.

I think that the reasonable/not reasonable seesaw very much depends on the individual circumstances of each case.

If you've been working for your employer for a while and are going back, then you ANBU. They're not a small employer who are going to take a big hit when you go off. And when you do go back, they're still benefiting from your skills and knowledge.

All employers know that by taking on women of childbearing age, they may well take maternity leave, and more than one period of it. That's why some cavemen employers don't take us on!

However, they can missing a trick. Many women who have had maternity leave are then very loyal to their employer when they go back, and work hard to prove their mettle - there can be benefits on both sides.

On the holiday point, you should take all of your entitlement - employers don't think more of people who stay late and are always there. They really don't.

YANBU at all - its your right to take maternity leave, and to take your annual leave too, and you shouldn't have to feel guilt-tripped out of that.

It may impact on your bosses, but thats not your fault - its up to the government to find an adequate strategy to help working mums and their employers.

Three children - I am !

of course it's ok for you to take maternity leave like this. presumably youhave been paying tax when you have been working and so you have every right to maternity leave if you get pregnant.

People would be very silly to think that you shouldn't go back to work if you wanted to, just as they would be very silly to suggest that you shouldn't have kids so close together.

You took the leave because you have a legal right to.

As for colleagues taking on extra work load ... your bosses can hire people to cover you if they need to. People shouldn't resent you for having this leave. if they have an issue with extra work load then they should take it to the people who can do something about it.

Don't let other silly people make you feel guilty (or turn this into a silly SAHM's are better debate) because YANBU at all.

YANBU, goodness me. Whether you had spaced it out or not, it's still the same amount of time in total. You have paid your taxes/NI (?) for this reason. Those 3 children are the next generation, not some inconvenience for co-workers. In 20 odd years these children will be running the country, being doctors, nurses, soldiers, putting money into the economy to support the older generations - it's a fact of life. Women have children. We are expected to breastfeed and nuture our children, but then are expected to sling them into childcare. What's that saying it take s a whole community to bring up a child? Take your maternity, and take your holiday. It's there for a very good reason. Life is give and take.

YANBU - why shouldn't you stucture your family as you and your DH/DP see fit. In the big scheme of things, 5 years is nothing. There is no loyalty from employers to their employees and as long as you are prepared to pick up the slack for your colleagues when necessary, then fair is fair. I think good for you!

YANBU to take sick leave when sick and take maternity leave to which you are legally entitled

However your colleagues would NBU to be peeved if they have had to repeatedly take on extra work due to all of your time out.

YANBU to take Mat leave and sick leave. You should also take your holiday entitlement - after all you are entitled to it.

what I think is unreasonable is that your colleagues are expected to deal with extra work. Your employer should provide a temp to cover your job. after all that's why they get reimbursed SMP.

I had two mat leaves within 2yrs but I didnt take the full entitlement and used my AL instead of the last 2 months of each leave (otherwise I would have been off for 11 out of 12months paid).

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's is your right to do so. But your colleagues/employers aren't unreasonable to get (secretly) fed up with I guess.

I must admit to feelings of guilt the third time round - and ended up leaving it till 38.5 weeks before I stopped work. Anyway I only got 3 or 4m in those day. Can you smell the burning martyr?

YANBU you are entitled to it! in this day and age companies should have it covered, we are not living in the dark ages, employers know women are entitled to maternity leave, they should have a back up plan for anyone that goes off on maternity

And if collgues are pee'd off at taking on the load, they should be peed off that the employer is not covering your job properly, not pee'd off at you

I can't believe some women on here are actually telling you YABU, when its something we are all entitled to

it's ridiculous isn't it VinegarBloodyTits. Why anyone would think it unreasonable is beyond me.

I know, bloody hell women have fought for years for these rights and are now telling each they are unreasonable to exercise them

the mind boggles

I don't kmnow if I am the one referred to as took leave then gave notice (am sure thread has expanded massively since I read) but no, I didn't know I wasn't goping back- I knew I didn't want to, but thought I would have to.

It's a bit ahrd on your employer OP, but 3 in 5 years is also (if you stay put) 3 in 10 years, or 20.

Sympathy for the hyepremesis, ahd it 4 times- ouch.

I'm a SAHM, through choice, and threads like this just call to mind the whole 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'. I feel guilty because I'm not working and contributing to the household income, and you feel guilty for going to work and then taking your maternity leave (which you are completely entitled to!) So, as women, the only way to avoid the guilt is to not have children?!

I wasnt saying that women shouldnt have maternity leave just that three children in 5 years is alot of leave to have. I also didnt say SAHM are better than working ones (I am a SAHM currently looking for work so I obviously dont think that) or that the poster should not have had three children at all. JUST that its alot of leave to take which could be seen as unreasonable in such a short space of time?!

Well in my defence.... I had been there nearly 3 years when I first got pregnant. Also when someone said I've been away 36 months out of the last 5 years, 8 1/2 months of those haven't happened yet, so it will be 3 years out of nearly 6 years, not 5. Making a total of 3 years off out of 8 1/2 years working for that employer, by the time I go back.

Also I timed the third one carefully so I would have done all my teaching for last academic year before I had to have any time off so no-one would have to cover it. (My teaching isn't spread out evenly through the year.)

I am finding the YABU arguments very useful btw.... because I suspect it's what some of my colleagues think but won't say, and I'd like to know what they think!

But I'm glad some people think IANBU.

umm, if you have had 3 pg's, then you aren't being unreasonable to take 3 maternity leaves.

YANBU. You are entitled to it. I find it sad and depressing that women will criticise each other for taking their maternity rights. If you have 3 children in 5 years you are entitled to 12 months maternity leave for each, plus annual leave, plus sick leave if required, plus potentially unpaid parental leave if you choose to take that and agree it with your employer. It's the law and it's there for the benefit of women, families, children and society.

YANBU, Kathy. I think there's a lot of prejudice against taking any maternity leave in academia - I only have one child so far and have had my fair share of attitudes, despite having been an exemplary citizen (if I do say so myself!) for SEVEN years beforehand. You really can't win.

Yes, it sucks for your colleagues, but they should be pissed off with the university's half-baked financial policies rather than you.

You've had a horrible time with crap pregnancies too, and I think people don't always realise just how debilitating hyperemisis is - but there's not much you can do about their ignorance.

The fact is that there HAS to be adequate maternity leave if we are ever going to get near gender equality - and it feels like we're a long way off atm.

Hope all is well with the baby.

BTW, it is highly unreasonable to say that you shouldn't have gone back after nos 1 and 2, because as we all know it would be nigh on impossible to get back into academia afterwards.

And for those who think women should space their children more - surely that just drags the impact (on colleagues and on your career) out further? And if you are over 35, I can understand why you wouldn't want to wait any longer than you had to.

1dilemma Thu 22-Oct-09 14:54:07 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster
what and stuff his career too? would that have helped you as a family? would that have made that much difference on your employer?

What do you mean by that? I assume you are referring to shared parental leave in which case you are barking - maybe with shared parental leave nobody's careers will have to be stuffed as employers will no longer be able to pre-judge whether a person is likely to take time off for a baby - and why the fuck is his career more important than hers?

The idea that is unreasonable to take maternity leave makes me want to weep.

What the fuck do people think is going to happen to society if intelligent, educated woman stop having babies because they might take...oooohhh all of three years out of a fourty year (because lets face it that's where we are at with pensions etc now) to give birth to the next generation.

Perhaps people who believe ML for working women is wrong would prefer us to give up work completely and go on the dole.