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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving at a terrible time?

64 replies

Zeuss81 · 22/10/2009 14:06

Been with DP for 3 years and have been planning on leaving for the past 6 months or so because Im not happy and neither are the kids. I was planning on leaving in the October half term. (next week).
Two weeks ago though we found out that DSD (14) is pregnant. So obviously this would be the worst time possible for DP for me to walk out on him but I dont know what to do. I have been uphappy here for so long, I was looking forward to a fresh start with my kids and the thought of staying here especially with a newborn in an already cramped house fills me with dread, especially as we have never been close as it is. DP is already going on about changes that will have to occur like DSD moving into the master bedroom, us moving into the next biggest (actually quite small) and my kids having to share a box room, we giving up my job so I can look after baby while she finishes school etc and I just dont think I can do it. Do I still leave even though everyone will think its because of DSD or do I stay very unhappy here? I feel I should put my kids first and get out of this mess asap, especially before my son starts his gcses.

But I know its a terrible time to leave someone also but it was planned before I even knew about this.

OP posts:
KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 22/10/2009 15:15

She is not your child, you own nothing, Why should you lose your bedroom, give up your job and take on a baby?

I think if you are unhappy you need to leave, do what is best for you and your children, and to hell with whet anyone says

crazylizzy · 22/10/2009 15:25

Leave. Just explain to him why you are unhappy and leave. You've got to put your own children first as well as yourself in certain situations IMO.

For the record, I think the whole troll witch hunt crap is disgusting. I was accused of being a troll on here on my first post when I genuinely needed help and support. If you suspect a troll why not just leave the thread and ignore? People don't seem to realize how damaging it can be when you turn to here in need of genuine help, advice and support only to be branded an effing troll Rant over

Longtalljosie · 22/10/2009 16:31

Oh not this again, with the boys and the box room.

clam · 22/10/2009 16:46

I'm trying to imagine the conversation where your DP suggests you giving up work to look after his DD's baby.

I'd have replied along the lines of, "Am I chuff! You're having a laugh, aren't you?"

slimeoncrazydemon · 22/10/2009 17:12

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Hullygully · 22/10/2009 17:16

I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against the grain here and say that I think you're being very unreasonable. You have a committed relationship with this man and by extension his family, and you owe them your commitment whether it suits or not. If his daughter is 14 she needs to go to school and you should be happy to help and take care of the baby. I think you're being very selfish.

lisasimpson · 22/10/2009 17:18

Well if I was thinking of leaving this would probably put the nail in the coffin for me!

hanaboo · 22/10/2009 17:25

yanbu (well maybe slightly to his dd, how close are u to her?)if u are very close, was she relying on your support? could u still support her a bit? would u want to?
but if u need to leave then leave, hey on the bright side he'll have loadsa room in the house for her and the baby

bb99 · 22/10/2009 17:38

YANBU

My friend's husband left her while she was still in hospital, having had a heart attack. She was happier that he had been honest and got it over with as they had been unhappy for a long time. Don't know if everyone would react in the same way, but have to agree with other posters who say YANBU.

There's never a good time to leave, or a right time, there just reaches the moment when you need to leave.

Counselling DID save my second major relationship (OH has to be co-operative, the idea of an expensive and embarrassing divorce definitely motivated my husband ) Is this something you would consider, or have you just had enough?

What's the DSD's own mother's situation - can she help out with her own daughter? Also there are childcare options, like child-minders and things, so she could still go to schol. Even if you were to stay together to help out, a childminder might be cheaper than you giving up work.

Good luck to you and yours, hope it all works out OK for all of you, especially all the kids.

TiggyR · 22/10/2009 17:40

It is a bit of a bad time admittedly but if you were intent on leaving then this should not make a difference. Besides which - if teenage girls want to play at being grown-up mummies they should be prepared to bring up their own children full-time and make whatever sacrifices are necessary in order to do so. If that means dropping out of school then so be it. Why should you re-order your life to accommodate someone else's unrealistic expectations? Staying at home to look after a small child whilst taking care of the cooking and cleaning while her father is at work all day to support her and her child should be just the right lesson in the realities of motherhood and adulthood that she's so keen to embrace.

Gracie123 · 22/10/2009 19:34

Tiggy - I agree that dsd should not have been so short sighted, but surely a little compassion is due. Can you imagine bein in that situation at her age?
She must be terrified.
If you leave, would you cut all ties, or could you manage to still help support dsd emotionally a bit.
Might also stop tongues wagging about you leaving over her pregnancy. Like it or not she probably will blame herself a bit, even if it is entirely her fathers fault you left.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 20:45

SlimeonCrazyDiamond I read the first post and thought here we go again....it rings of the same bells that poster chimes.

fluffles · 22/10/2009 20:54

of course you should leave your partner if you don't want to be with him but what's your relationship with your SD? is there any way you can be around to offer her support? have you been a 'mum' to her? how long have you been in her life?

she's going to need all the support she can get and could easily blame herself for you leaving!

slimeoncrazydemon · 22/10/2009 20:59

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LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 21:08

slime, am waiting for....
BUT HIS DAUGHTER IS SO SPOILT AND MY BOYS HAVE TO HAVE THE BOX ROOM...

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/10/2009 21:28

I have no idea why your DP would say she could have the master bedroom. If there's no room for her and a new baby, perhaps she could look into project john or something similar? She may get housed. Not ideal for society paying for her, but that's clearly what it's come to.

You need to lay down the laws- either she looks after her own baby, since she's ruined her own education, and stays in her own room. You shouldn't need to give up work and reduce your children's quality of life even further because of her and her stupidity.

If he doesn't get it, tell him you are leaving but explain that it is not because of that, it is because you and your children are unhappy and you need some space to move on with your life and find happiness.

Please stop the troll hunting people. Will it ever end. It wouldn't matter if she's a troll or not- someone else might be going through similar and this thread might help them. So if it helps one person it's good enough to be posted. But she's clearly not trolling anyway.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 21:35

Totally you can't blame us who have given the troll we are talking about sound advice....and tbh it is on par with everything she normally posts....

slimeoncrazydemon · 22/10/2009 21:38

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TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/10/2009 21:38

Perhaps your advice will help this OP then if she looks over those posts- then they're not a complete waste are they. Many people will have issues like this, they might stumble across the posts, see your 'sound advice' and find a solution to their problem.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 21:40

slime.........I want a box room as well....could we share one do you think?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/10/2009 21:46

sorry cross posted.

allaboutme · 22/10/2009 21:51

but why does the daughter have the big room and your boys the box room? It hardly seems fair.
Seems like she is a bit spoilt.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 21:53

allaboutme sorry but i have just LOL at that comment..........>>>>walks away to stiffle my giggles

slimeoncrazydemon · 22/10/2009 22:16

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LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 22/10/2009 22:21

lmao Slime I am not that scary in rl only on MN have I got a big mouth I am actually really shy