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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to having MIL for Xmas yet again - just because we have children??

47 replies

Ceebee74 · 22/10/2009 11:40

DH is one of 2 boys - we have 2 children, BIL and gf don't have any so we have my MIL's only GC (plus we live 10 minutes away, BIL lives the other side of the country)

This will be the 4th Christmas in a row now that MIL has come to us - whilst BIL and gf have Christmas Day to themselves or at gf's parents.

My dream Christmas would be (just once) to have a day to ourselves as a family whilst MIL goes to BIL but DH has admitted that, whilst he agrees with me that it would be lovely, he says he would feel far too guilty if MIL didn't see her GC on Christmas Day so it will never happen whilst she is still alive! Every other year, my parents come aswell (or we all go over to them) so at least I get to spend some Christmases with them - but AIBU to just want one Christmas without MIL??

OP posts:

Original poster

Ceebee74 · 22/10/2009 21:49

Thanks Diddl - you beat me too it!

OP posts:

woodforthetrees · 22/10/2009 21:52

I don't think you're being U. Why should your parents have to spend every year with the in-laws too ? Do they want to do this (if they do then fair enough) but why can't she just accept that maybe every other year she won't and perhaps as a compromise on those years, she has a "xmas" on boxing day. My DH has a sister is married with no kids. We don't see in laws every year, we alternate and we have the only grandchildren. I dont' want to see them every year - I have other relatives !!!

sticktoyourgins · 22/10/2009 23:25

Cheers for the OP's DH who refuses to let his mum be left out of his family's Christmas celebrations.

sayithowitis · 23/10/2009 02:41

YANBU. You are entitled to have the Christmas you want, for you and your family. It might be different if there was nowhere else for her to go, but there is, she has abother son. It is not as though she only sees the GC at Christmas and I really don't understand why your own parents should feel obliged to invite her to share their Christmas when you go to their home.

I realise it is somewhat against the general opinion here, but I would be telling DH that this year you will be having a small Christmas, for the four of you and that he should talk to his brother about the MIL going there instead of coming to you.

It is not aat all unreasonable to want to have one Christmas just for yourselves. We have nearly always done this, for nearly 30 years now, and though we now have the odd Christmas when we invite my Mum or Mil ( now that they are widowed), it is shared equally between the siblings, though now our own children are grown up it is not so important to us to have the quiet day as it was when they were younger and we were still on Father Christmas's list of houses to visit!

pipWereRabbit · 23/10/2009 02:53

I thought OP had been reading my mind - I'm in almost the identical situation. Only my BIL and his wife always go away on the their 3 or 4 week holiday over Christmas so we end up with widowed MIL permanently on tow.
Means I can never slob around in my pyjamas while the kids open presents and we have a leisurely breakfast - and someone has to be sober to drive her around. Plus my parents never get to see their GCs at Xmas without having to compete with MIL for the kids' attention.
It would be lovely if we could choose our own Christmas Day once in a blue moon.

I'm more than happy to take turns, but I resent the assumption by BIL that we will pick up the slack when he heads off to sunny climes.

pipWereRabbit · 23/10/2009 02:54

Ooops, just reread that - came out a bit more strongly than I intended. perhaps it's bothering me more than I usually care to admit.

sunnydelight · 23/10/2009 03:35

Well I don't think you're unreasonable (major sympathies to pip as well) having been in the same situation. One of the nicest thing about our move to Oz is waking up on Christmas morning knowing that I won't have to see MIL. She managed to completely destroy our last Christmas in the UK so I really don't feel bad. BIL and SIL now have to take their turn having managed to avoid her forever. I told DH I'll start feeling guilty in 12 years time when they've had her as often as we did

dollyparting · 23/10/2009 10:32

I wonder if somewhere in a parallel universe there is a MILsnet, where various MILs are already debating the etiquette of which of their dcs to visit at Christmas, how much they are expected to spend on their dgcs, whether offering to help in the kitchen will offend their DILs, and generally what a nightmare the whole thing is.

I can remember the difficulties I experienced when my dc were little, trying to balance between Christmas with parents who were local and saw a lot of dcs, or parents who were far away who could only see dcs a couple of times a year, or with siblings who had dcs who were close in age and temperament to our dcs, or just staying on our own, with our own little family....

So I have been very clear with my dcs, that they must do what is right for them, and that they must not feel an obligation to be with me every year, every alternate year, or to get into patterns where they feel obliged because they always go to Mum's on boxing day.

Doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad that this year dd will be spending Christmas with her dp's parents. But that does mean that we can spend our Christmas with our elderly parents (all 4 in their 80s).

diddl · 23/10/2009 10:46

I suppose I find the OPs husbands attitude a little odd in that his mother must come to them as they have children.

If I were the brother I would find that offensive, tbh!

My parents didn´t stop seeing me when my sister had children & I didn´t!

Original poster

Ceebee74 · 23/10/2009 13:00

Dolly lol at the alternative parallel of MILsnet

Diddl I am fairly certain that BIL and gf are relieved that they have a 'way out' of ever seeing MIL on Christmas Day. I don't think they have ever invited her either as they just assume she wants to be with us

Fortunately my parents are very welcoming and sociable (not like me ) so they didn't mind MIL coming along (they are fully aware of what she is like and realised that it was either me, DH and DS with MIL or none of us!) but I do see the pov that it isn't really fair that they have to share my DS's with MIL all the time.

Aah - there just is no right or wrong answer is there?

OP posts:

JannerBird · 23/10/2009 13:33

YANBU in my opinion. I think DH should be a little bit more supportive on this - maybe he can have a word with his brother, explain the situation and get him to insist MIL goes to them for Christmas this year?

In our house MIL has spent every Christmas for the last 4/5 years at SIL's house (since she has had children) and therefore completely ignored our three DCs. I don't get on with her particularly well but feel extremely cheesed off at this.

diddl · 23/10/2009 13:37

Yes,I can quite believe that BIL is OK with it.

Maybe someone ought to poke him.

And perhaps if they are off to gfs parents this year, MIL can tag along too!

Mybox · 23/10/2009 13:47

yanbu - could your mil pop round in the morning on route to her other son? He should have her for at least one xmas

Jux · 23/10/2009 13:52

Can you not have a word with BIL about it?

I think, though, that you will have to bite the bullet and just accept that she is part of Xmas. How do your kids feel about her?

One of the big things about Xmas when I was small was the people who came to stay. Some of them were horrible, some were great. It was all part of it.

Bubbaluv · 23/10/2009 14:03

Baaahh Humbug.
Yes YABU.
You may well be in your MIL's shoes one day, and I hope your D/SILs show you the warth, generosity and inclusiveness that Christmas is supposed to be about.

diddl · 23/10/2009 14:09

Bubbaluv

IthinkOP has been doing that for the last three years!

Bubbaluv · 23/10/2009 14:23

Christmas is a family event EVERY year.

LilianGish · 23/10/2009 14:37

I've had Christmas with MIL every year (ten years) - and this despite the fact bil has children and we lived abroad for eight of those years).
YANBU - I don't dislike having Christmas with MIL and of course the dcs love having her there, but like you just once I'd like to be able to spend Christmas with my parents - without having invite MIL along.
Actually MIL did go bil's last Christmas - but she was only invited on condition that we went as well!!
Felt a bit last week when my parents said they were planning to have Christmas with my brother and his family "because I expect you'll be spending it with mil".
My parents have always taken dollyparting's line their happy to see us whenever and we shouldn't feel any obligation.
Thing is I couldn't in all conscience leave mil on her own - I'm too soft-hearted.

southeastastra · 23/10/2009 14:38

i've had mil for xmas (yum) for 18 years, do i win? and she doesn't drink and has to watch eastenders and coronation st

LilianGish · 23/10/2009 14:52

You win southeastastra

Katisha · 23/10/2009 14:54

DH is an only child so not much in the way of options here...
MIL comes but we have to find her jobs to do as she will not just sit down and relax. While it may sound like a good problem to have it means no-one else can relax either...

Doodleydoo · 23/10/2009 15:31

I have now decided to have another DC as the thought of being that MIL just disturbs me!

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