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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disown my druggy brother?

12 replies

chosenone · 20/10/2009 12:54

Have posted before, mostly in relationships. Long history on and off with brothers drug use from the age of 19 until now, he's 30! He has been signed off work with depression and is being referred for councelling, thank god! We thought this could be a turning point, we were supporting him (although never give him money!) he didn't turn up for a meal last night, didn't ring or text I thought he'd OD'd! I got hold of him earlier today, huge arguement, he was so 'poor me, don't lecture me Im ill'! but he'd been a drugs bender!!

He blames everyone but himself and wallows in self pity, he's broken my mums heart and let us down continually, Am I BU to ditch him and move on with our lives or should I stick by him? please help I can't cope with the worry much more and its such a taboo

OP posts:
MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 20/10/2009 12:59

I remember your last post. Very hard position for you. You can't go on investing that much concern and HOPE into somebody so uncertain forever without cracking up...

don't know the answer..

ludog · 20/10/2009 13:14

Try and see if there is a Nar-anon support group near you. www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html Nar-anon is a support group for family and friends of addicts and you will get great help and support from people in similar situations to you. At the moment there isn't much you can do for your brother, but if you get help for yourself it will change the whole picture and your brother may look for help too. I emphasise may as there is no guarantees. Take care of yourself, coping with someone else's addiction sucks your soul dry if you are not careful. Get help for you and things will start to improve.

clop · 20/10/2009 14:04

My brothers were (are) drug addicts too -- only they are 51 now(!). Dealing with people like that was (is) very bad for my own mental health.

Yes it's reasonable to cut him off completely. You have your own sanity to protect. I assume you have your own DC, and they deserve you as sane as you can be, not driven mad by the madness of others. You ARE ALLOWED to put your own family first at this point.

Please try to let your mum still cry on your shoulder, but hopefully she will understand if you feel that you need to avoid direct contact with him / being direclty involved in his life.

Winibaghoul · 20/10/2009 14:33

OP I think it's reasonable for you to do this. After so many years, you need to be able to focus on yourself and your family. My brother also used to do a lot of drugs etc - started with weed and moved up from there. Thankfully he has stopped now, although he still hasn't got his life properly on track. Can't offer much advice, but you have my sympathy.

notanumber · 20/10/2009 14:44

Does it need to be so black or white, chosenone?

You ask if you should "ditch him and move on with our lives" or "stick by him".

Is there a middle ground? In that you will have contact with your brother within very clear boundaries that are not impossibly draining for you and your family?

For example, if you say to him, "DB, I love you and want you in my life but it can only happen on these conditions: I will not lend you money, you cannot call me after 8pm, I will not engage in any converations with you in which you blame Mum for any of this, etc". If he breaks the conditions you can just remove yourself from that particular crisis and calmly remind him that he is not doing what you agreed.

My very real sympathies go out to you and your family. It's a very tough situation.

Original poster
chosenone · 20/10/2009 15:24

Thanks so much. I apprectiate supportive words I really do, many of my close friends are sick of him and angry with how he upsets me so am often told to ditch him! I think you're right notanumber I want to give him those boundaries and become more hands off without fully disowning him. My DC come 1st and he is the godfather of DD and he forgot her birthday! At the moment he'd just a good example of how drugs ruin lives . I will look into a help group thanks for the link ludog I do worry it will get worse now my parents won't give him money he'll probably lose his car, then his job but maybe it will help, maybe not!

OP posts:
hanaboo · 20/10/2009 15:50

the thing is, addicts usually need to hit rock bottom before they decide to make a change, so anyone helping him in any way is actually unwittingly helping them to continue a bad lifestyle, its probably a good thing that ur mum an dad have stopped giving money and it would probably be a good thing if he does lose his car and job! if he's losing nothing by taking drugs, where's the insentive to stop? he can't have his cake and eat it so to speak.
i speak from a lot of experience of drug addicts in my immediate family so i know its hard but u need to use tough love with addicts.
good luck to all of u

ludog · 20/10/2009 16:45

Just to say if there is no Nar-anon group near you you could go to Alanon meetings, it uses the same 12 steps and the family problems generated by drug addiction have a lot in common with those created by alcoholism. You will hear people talking about "detachment" which is a vital tool needed when dealing with addiction in a loved one.

Original poster
chosenone · 20/10/2009 17:29

Thanks looking into it now, really want to support my mum too.

OP posts:
keyweeseed · 11/05/2011 01:33

i used to be a heroin addict and i promise you the best thing u can ever do is let them get on with it, they need to fall that low that there beggin proffesionals to help them because theyve had enough of it, once a heroin addict gets that low, the only way is up, but they need to do that themselves, takecare

Meikyo · 11/05/2011 06:50

OP, I decided not to see my druggy/drinker brother (now aged 46) after he couldn't be bothered to come to our Mother's FUNERAL 6 years ago...... He was fairly close to her but it was "too much hassle and too hard for him......" Didn't stop him ransacking her house for valuables between her death and funeral though.... I'm well rid. Don't take it on your shoulders - they have to want to change themselves.

Bunbaker · 11/05/2011 06:55

"the thing is, addicts usually need to hit rock bottom before they decide to make a change, so anyone helping him in any way is actually unwittingly helping them to continue a bad lifestyle"

hanaboo and keyweeseed are absolutely right. It is called tough love. Until an addict wakes up with their face in the dog bowl or a pile of vomit they are never going to realise that they need to get help. By helping him yourself you are merely funding the habit.

SIL's husband is an alcoholic and he is dragging her down with him. She should have had the sense to leave him years ago and she is now paying the price.

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