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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave work at lunchtime today to go and collect my 16 month old child who is poorly?

57 replies

couture1 · 19/10/2009 13:45

I feel terribly torn, I knew my son was not well when I took him to nursery today but against my better judgement left him there because I was worried about my employers recaction to me taking holiday at such short notice. I received on call from the nursery at 10.30 to say he really needed to see the doctor - I advised them that I would book an appt as soon as I could get one - which will be 3.00pm this afternoon. I then got another call saying he was lethargic and had a high temperature. I phoned my manager who works from home and she said yes I could have it as emergency half days holiday but she will have a meeting with me tomorrow to discuss it. Its so hard trying to be commited to the workplace and being a Mother. I'm really upset with myself for leaving him in the first place I shoudl have stayed at home to look after him. I ended up being quite emotional (guilt) when I left work and my colleaugues were very understanding and sympathetic but I am now worried about the conversation tomorrow (providing my son is well enough for me to be there) to 'discuss' this.

OP posts:

roulade · 19/10/2009 18:04

I'm pretty sure that you are entitled to 13 weeks unpaid parental leave up until your child is 5.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/10/2009 18:14

roulade you are right, but that leave has to be requested in a certain way and in blocks of whole weeks.

You can't take it on an ad hoc basis like the OP has had to today - that comes under the emergency compassionate leave.

roulade · 19/10/2009 18:19

Now i never knew that JAMM! Surely it makes more sense though that you would need to use in situations like this? i am lucky that my firm are really good at letting staff take time off very easily with no notice, i have been off since thursday as ds has suspected swine flu, back tomorrow though.

clam · 19/10/2009 18:24

So, what are we teachers meant to do? In that we can't take holiday off during term-time? Speaking as one who has DS just finishing off a flu bug, with DD looking ominously as if she's about to start it! As it happens, I have it myself as well, so I'm staying home on my own account, as well as theirs, which almost seems like a relief!
And with the swine flu pandemic about to rear its head again (if it hasn't already) then it's highly likely that your boss is going to have to deal with "this going on throughout the winter," from all her staff, parents or not.

LilianGish · 19/10/2009 18:25

YANBU - of course you should put your child first. You don't say what you do or how your absence affects the other people you work with. To be honest I don't see it as a problem if it's the sort of work you can catch up with tomorrow, imo the real problems arise in a small team where other people have to pick up the slack and where your absence creates a genuine inconvenience for the rest of the team. One of the reasons I gave up my job after having the dcs was that I didn't feel I would be able to take off time at a moments notice - or even leave the office on time - without putting other people out. That's not to say I wouldn't have been perfectly entitled to do that - or that you're not - just that I know it would have really pissed other people off and that's what I would have found stressful.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/10/2009 18:28

You use the compassionate leave in an emergency situation because you may only need a day or two.

The 13 week thingy is planned in so you and your employer know when it's going to be - although if you had a seriously ill child you may choose to make an application and get it considered and approved very quickly.

ninagleams · 19/10/2009 19:48

YANBU the government says "if your child falls ill you can take enough time off to deal with their initial needs, such as taking them to the doctor and arranging for their care. However, you?ll need to make other arrangements if you want to stay off work longer to care for them yourself." This was definitely initial and I should ask her precisely what she expects you to do when your child falls ill suddenly. Seriously if she has a better suggestion and it isn't plausible you should tell her why.

This is why the statistics for sick leave are so high because people can't be arsed to deal with this nonsense from managers so they just pretend they're ill.

Kbear · 19/10/2009 19:54

my tip is to never ever take sick time for yourself and bank a few secret days for when your child is ill and then phone in sick yourself. It is the only way if you have unreasonable employers.

Original poster

couture1 · 20/10/2009 10:40

I am back in the office today, ds was so much better last night and this morning, the medicine has really made a difference.

I work for a Very Large bank possibly the biggest now in the UK and I can easily pick up my work the next day. It does not really affect others or only marginally.

Manager asked me this morning how ds was - seemed genuine but added she will discuss it further in our meeting this afternoon.

OP posts:

loobylu3 · 20/10/2009 10:49

Poor you couture! Pleased that your DS is feeling better. Any working mother will have been in this situation at some point and will totally understand. Your employers should certainly be more understanding too, especially as you sound like a v conscientious employee

kickassangel · 20/10/2009 10:55

flowery dh was just asked this Q as they are a small co who can't afford any kind of tribunal. therefore they were advised to be VERY careful if discipling a person with a child under 5, and have a watertight case.

(the guy in Q didn't have kids & was duly disciplined)

couture i'm still not sure how your manager can work from home for a full week, but make those kind of comments that you heard. I think you should be prepared to stand your ground, firmly but politely. check your co. regs on emergency leave & time for docotrs appt etc. if necessary, contact HR.

I'm another one who found that my management were (wilfully?) ignorant & thought it fine to publicly slate mothers who went 'running home at the drop of a hat'. they never made the same comments about fathers though!

prettyfly1 · 20/10/2009 11:15

couture so glad your lo is feeling better - was thinking about you this morning. Let us know how you get on this affie!!

carriedababi · 20/10/2009 12:50

good luck this pm.

what a horrible situation for you

does your dh help with cover too?

yanbu at all your baby comes first

JustAnotherManicMummy · 20/10/2009 13:43

OMG I too work for a large bank... probably the largest in the UK now. Hope it's not the same one - that would be awkward! (If it's the same one I left them because of their crap attitude to HR and applying employment law properly and I'm now back because my company got bought by them )

Although I am definitely not your manager as I am on maternity leave . Good luck with the meeting and glad your DS is better.

Original poster

couture1 · 20/10/2009 14:18

Jamm - YES its the same company!!! My emplyers were the buying company. I was a line manager until August - I'm now in a secondment support role. I left the managing role for the same reasons - hated it. All the politics, when all I wanted to do was come in and do a good and fair job. So happy to be out of that role after 8 years, but my current position is only seconded so I dont know what I'll end up doing - probably leave!

OP posts:

Original poster

couture1 · 20/10/2009 14:21

Carriedababi - yes my dh does help as much as he can, although his place of work is further away and if he has to have time off he does not get paid, he does not have the option to take holidays but he does help out. He took dd aged 3 to the docs last week so I did not have to leave work an hour early.

OP posts:

carriedababi · 20/10/2009 15:57

how did you get on?

went well i hope

Original poster

couture1 · 20/10/2009 16:51

Had the meeting, she said that whilst she totally supported my request yesterday "there can't be too many occasions where I need to leave the office and sometimes she will not be able to grant my leave. I said that I would only ever ask in an emergency however if my child is ill then I will have to go. It was then suggested that I consider widening my suport network wtf. If I had a wider support network I would not pay to have my children cared for in a nursery.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 20/10/2009 17:00

Join a union.

I can't believe she thinks that if she says 'no stay at work' you will just abandon your sick child. These situations don't come up very often and it is totally unreasonable of her to think she can decide when she will let you go. You have a legal right to time off to care for a dependant child in an emergency situation. Don't be cowed by her but just keep a note of everything she said today - sometime in the future you may need it.

see here

JustAnotherManicMummy · 20/10/2009 17:02

Is it the one with the horse of the one with the flames from hell (can you guess which I am??!)? I have 8 years service too (4 with the old company, 3 with now defunct company and 1 with takeover). Nothing's changed! I work in London which seems to be worse than anywhere.

I used to work in branches but left for a project management role when I was pg... and trying to move into HR to fix all the things I hate about the company - and if I can't I'll leave too!

My line manager before I left (who is very nice but has no clue about HR practices and also worked for both companies like me) asked if I would move closer to my mother so she could look after DS when I went back to work. Erm, no! I don't think she'd be able to leave the 200 children she is in loco parentis for every day (she's a head teacher) to babysit at the drop of a hat

Glad you stood up to your manager and told her how it is. Sometime you need to manage them IYKWIM

Original poster

couture1 · 20/10/2009 17:10

I was told my another manager sitting in on meeting that I should know when its best to accept what I'm being told and keep quiet!!!!

Im looking forward to receiving the minutes.

I am with the union.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 20/10/2009 17:13

Ok - well I would update your cv if I were you. I think they want rid of you.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 20/10/2009 17:14

Bastards. It was minuted and second person and this was the first occasion? Not sure we are same company as mine would never be that organised.

I'd be sorely tempted to send them that YouGov link. Bastards

Northernlurker · 20/10/2009 17:15

Hang on - miuntes, another person being there - this wasn't an informal chat at all. This was a serious meeting. Did she say anything about your performance?

Northernlurker · 20/10/2009 17:15

Oh yes I agree with bastards!

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