Ashamed and wrong

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself!

I have had problems with my ds on and off since he was around 4 but things got really bad when he was 5 1/2. Now he is 11 and things can be out of control between us, i don't mean violence I mean verbally.

Anyway today I was talking to someone about a VERY big thing happened which affected us both.

Basically my dad was taken ill and after 3 months died.

BUT this is the part that I have now realised what a horrible person I am!

A week before my dad died, i collected him and took him home for the afternoon. DS was playing with my nephew who was then 3 and started tantruming over a pencil....Because dad had spent the best part of 3 months in hospital I had to pick ds up and go home....the following Saturday he died...I never got to spend another moment with him outside of hospital again.

I have realised today that I have been harbouring up the hurt i felt that day...

and yes I am unreasonable for having done this and I am horrible for letting it fester in me.....

Poor you, losing your dad like that.

Don't feel bad - you have not deliberately been holding this against your son.

Perhaps now you've realised what the problem is, you'll be able to start rebuilding things with your DS?

Invete I am really hoping so!

So sorry to hear about what happened with your Dad.

I honestly think that AIBU is not the best place for your post - unless you are hoping to set yourself up for a flaming to "punish" yourself? I'd personally have chosen either Parenting for advice on where to go from here with your son or Bereavement

It sounds like you've made an important link and discovery today. You can either spend the next however long beating yourself up about it, or you can see it as a positive turning point where you can start to deal with your feelings and work on healing your relationship with your DS.

Would it be worth going to see a bereavement counsellor maybe to work through your feelings about your father's death.

I don't think you're horrible. Just human. See your realisation as a positive step for change.

Serv, i guess part of me feels i deserve a flaming.....and part wants to break down a bawl whilst holding my little boy and telling him i love him and how sorry I am.....But he doesn't even remember the day..

Do you think you ever had a proper opportunity to grieve for your dad?

Serv, if I am honest no i didn't, i had been wed a week when he ws taken ill and also raising ds as my ex-h was useless at helping iyswim?
Dad died exactly 3 months to day i wed...I was then in a position of looking after my mum as well as ds to the extent i moved back home. during time dad was ill my weeks were filled with
taking ds to school
visiting dad going across the hospital and visiting my sister
on other days visiting my nan in a care home
and being back in time to collect ds from school and then visit dad if it wasn't a day i had done so.

Obviously mum was distraught when dad died just as I was, I was holding his hand as he took his last breath, and she couldn't deal with things, so i ended up in the registry office where i had wed 3 months before registering his death and after his cremation collecting his ashes....

it was such a busy time

So sorry that you had such a tough time.

Honestly, you need to start being kind to yourself. It sounds like you had no chance to process what was happening around you.

This isn't about you being a horrible person. This is about you needing to take a big breath and look after yourself.

If you stack up loads of anger against yourself, you will just end up feeling angry generally, which isn't going to help anyone.

It's clear that you love your boy very much from what you've posted. I bet he loves you to bits too.

Please give yourself a break - and a chance to address how you feel at the moment so that you can move forward positively.

Serva, it just seems everything moved so fast at the time....

It really does sound like it. It sounds like you spent lots of time being there for other people but not enough time looking after yourself.

serv sounds about right!!!

So how are things for you now?

Now obviously things are a lot calmer....i know people will think I am mad evil, unfair whatever but i don't mean to be.

DS is now 11 so a lot older but he still misses his grandad just as i miss dad...

"Mad" and "evil" are pretty strong words to use!!! I strongly doubt that you are either

I need to go to bed now cos I'm nodding off at the computer. I see you've got another thread going now in parenting and have some people chatting with you.

Obviously, I only know a tiny fraction of what's going on for you, but from that tiny fraction it sounds like you might benefit from some kind of counselling to get your grief and anger in order.

Sounds like you could do with some chatting with your son too. I personally don't think I'd tell him about the tantrumming incident. Also I don't I'd do lots of having a go at myself in front of him either. I think, depending on the child, I would be honest about having felt sad and angry about losing your father and that this may have affected how you feel and come across.

Also, holding your boy and telling him you love him wouldn't be a bad thing to do either!!

Please take care of yourself. Tomorrow is a new day