to want to maintain a certain sense of order at home

[Indiestarr]

DP and I often argue about this. We both work full time and have one DD. Our home is not pristine in any way and I'm no fan of chores, but I must admit I like a degree of cleanliness, tidiness and order.
DP on the other hand isn't remotely bothered - in fact he's pathologically untidy (if you ask me!). If I've been out of the house I can always tell everything he's done while I'm out as a trail will be left, with nothing ever put away after him. And DD is little better to be honest.
As well as being messy he is always bringing stuff he's bought/acquired into the house, never giving a thought to where we'll store it. For instance he works in the book trade and must bring home about five new books a week - lovely, but where are they all gonna go? He doesn't trouble himself about that and just leaves them lying about. He hardly ever opens any post and never clears out any old clothes - without being asked, and of course that's nagging.
Am I unreasonable to find the constant mess and clutter oppressive and want something to be done about it? He thinks I am. He says I should accept that he won't change, and that it only bothers me because I'm 'neurotic'.
I'm finding lately that with work being stressful, DD quite demanding, very little free time, I crave a sense of order at home, and when I'm there I seem to do nothing else but tidy up because nobody else does it, and if I don't it will quickly become a tip. DP thinks it's my problem and that if I choose to spend my time doing housework that's up to me. Is this fair? Or am I within my rights to want to impose certain standards? I don't expect a show house, but friends have made jokes in the past such as have we had burglars.
I'm really keen to know whether I am reasonable to try and impose my 'standards' on someone else for the sake of a well-run house, or whether it's just my bad luck that I have an untidy partner and if I want clear floors, clear table, made beds, clothes in the wardrobe etc I just have to do it myself?

Order is very important to me and DW. We work at home and we find when the home is messy neither we nor the children can work well. We get stressed, no one knows where stuff is, it is chaos, everyone is unhappy.

gdives - "anticlean" is v.g.!

I too have experienced male foot dragging about doing 'his' jobs, and ended up taking them on myself. I think it's a well-honed tactic.

Thanks to everyone who's posted! Gdives, the 'anti-clean' sounds terrifying! Inveterate, thanks for that article, spot on in places, especially the bit about how men know that no-one leaves a sty saying 'What a terrible housekeeper HE is!'
We actually DO have a cleaner but that was precisely the thing that caused friction this morning - I was stressing trying to clear the decks before work as she was coming today, and he got mad at my bad mood. I explained that I pay the cleaner so I'd like to get my money's worth and not have her working around all our crap. That's right, no split here, I pay her. He wouldn't hear of it. You wouldn't think I was a feminist would you!
But that's why I ask the question really - I don't do the housework cos it's wimmins work, I do it cos clutter, mess and dirt in my home, which is meant to be my sanctuary, depress me. So reason would dictate that if housework isn't women's work we should all do our fair share. The problem is I don't want to be unreasonable, so am not confident in saying 'Right, these are the chores that HAVE to be done. For fairness we must split them down the middle' because I worry that he's right, they're only necessary to me and not necessary per se. Is the aim of an orderly, well-run home a reasonable aim for anyone to have, and should cohabitees be expected to work towards this aim, or is it acceptable for standards to be totally subjective?
Sounds a bit philosophical, sorry!!!

Indie - I know very well where you are coming from. XP used this exact line of argument - standards are subjective blah blah blah. And like you I felt very doubtful about whether I was being a neurotic clean freak. (In our case, he was quite tidy, but refused to do any cleaning.)

But guess what? We split up, he has his own house, and it's cleaner than mine! He keeps it really nice, washes the floor regularly, and generally keeps on top of things. Washing up does NOT pile up for days and days - he just does it as he goes along.

So basically he was foot-dragging on the chores front because I was there, and some bit of his brain felt that I should do the housework (even though he is a left-wing guy who is well aware of feminist issues).

YAB totally reasonable, and you should definitely put your foot down - and make him pay for his half of the cleaner!

(Guess what part two: XP refused to have a cleaner too, in fact he banned me from having one. Do you think they are related?!)

My dad was exactly the same. Mum knew he wouldn't change and didn't try. They had a long and happy marriage.

Mum was the sole wage earner for years; dad was useless in the house. So she worked ft; looked after us 3 kids, my grandmother who lived with us, various itinerant friends/relatives who lived with us for varying lengths of time; did all the housework; helped us with our homework, cooked for everyone, sometimes several times a day; welcomed our friends.

Our home wasn't dirty but wasn't in a state where you could eat off the surfaces; it was a bit messy and untidy. People generally thought it was wonderful, comfortable and had a really warm friendly atmosphere.

I could have written the op myself... it drives me crazy - the trail of destruction if DH is in the house for a day on his own. He just doesn't see it!

I have finally got him to put things in the laundry basket by washing everything that he leaves on the floor - so when he goes looking for his shorts (that we both know he only wore for an hour the previous evening) I tell him they're in the wash because I can't tell the difference between what's clean and what's dirty. I have discovered that he gets annoyed by this, so will actually do what I ask and put things in the basket. hoorah... a small victory!

And do you know what else sends me dolally? When there is some fairly obvious (but dull) chore to be done such as putting washing away, and he choses that moment (usually when visitors are due in about an hour) to do something totally random like dismantle the furniture in the spare bedroom, or sort the cds out... 'because it really needs doing'. ARGH! Yes, but NOT NOW FFS!