To think my mum is really out of order?

[whethergirl]

Today we were at a family gathering. DS aged 4.5 was getting a bit overexcited and was also a bit tired. He kept jumping on the sofa behind me, where I, my cousin and aunt were sitting. My aunt asked him to stop jumping but he ignored her. I asked him to stop 2 times because it was just distracting to have someone jumping behind me while I was trying to talk. Then my cousin turned to him and nicely asked him to stop because she has a bad back, and I immediately followed with "I've already told you to stop" at which point he immediately went to jump on the sofa again. So stopped him with my hand and said loudly "I SAID NO". He then started sobbing and - to the rescue - AS ALWAYS - my mum. First she tried to console him and failed. She then told him "Mummy's going to say sorry now" so I told her, no actually, I wasn't. Then she tried to pretend to tell me off so that he could hear, but I stopped her and said "No mum, I told him off for a reason". She then carries him out of the room, exclaiming "Oh you're just a baby and no-one seems to realise" and spent 20 minutes pandering to him outside in the corridor and bending over backwards to make him laugh.

It just really flippin pisses me off. I find it so undermining and very disrespectful. I discipline my child as I see fit, and there she is, spoiling him and pandering to him. And making me out be the bad cop in the process. I'm a single parent and she babysits for me twice a week so sees enough of him to make an impact. I don't my son growing up to be a brat that doesn't respect his own mother.

The irony of it is, when I was a child, she would have thought nothing of giving me a slap for such behaviour!!!

Yes, MIL and mum do this, my mum just does the excessive pandering, but I feel I can tell her about that and she listens. MIL has a degree in child development so refuses to listen to me, and does both - being strict when I'm not and rubbishing my attempts to discipline him. For example he ran across a (quiet) car park once to get to his Grandad, when I ran after him and told him not to run where there are cars about MIL came over and did the neurotic mother thing "he's fine, he wasn't in danger". OTOH he's not potty trained and we're doing it slowly as I don;t think he's ready but every time she sees him or he has a nappy change or anything, "you should be using your potty, big boys like you shouldn't need nappies". And the one that really drives me spare:

MIL calls: ""
DS (responding): "What?"
MIL: "It's not what, it's pardon"

WTF????? So if someone calls your name you respond with "pardon"???

rant over, sorry I have been trying to get that out for a while.

My MIL has DCs one day a week, which is brilliant of her, but we did have a few issues. I think it helps that they go to her, so any conflicting rules can usually be explained with eg 'well at nanny and grandads you are allowed to play 'punching grandad' but you can't play that game anywhere else'. Rather than it being allowed in our home sometimes and not others, if that makes sense.

We also introduced a rule that they provide healthy food most of the time and save treats for school holiday time. Not really sure this has sunk in as I am sure MIL thinks a fruit shoot counts towards 5 a day. But her intentions are good.

My DS is the same age as yours and I think he is old enough to understand that Mummy's rules are top but that other people do things differently. But I agree its very difficult especially when a GP has so much input into a child's life.

OP you say your Aunt disagreed with your mum's actions? Could you maybe see if she could have a word with your mum? As others have said, you could talk till you're blue in the face, but maybe it would have more impact coming from someone a little less involved?
YANBU btw. I'm really worried that DPs family will spoil DS rotten. MIL has a very young daughter, and she's very overindulged. Hoping that they don't try to do the same with ds, or we will be having words!

Stealthpolarbear! I have the EXACT same problem with the whole pardon/what debate!

DD says 'What?' as in 'What did you say?' and every time, in unison, her grandparents say 'PARDON!'

Drives me nuts! Also my mum said as you did, that so say Pardon is actually gramatically incorrect in that instance.

Astrid & Stealthpolarbear-tell your children to say "yes?"

I also think pardon is wrong-I use that for when I haven´t heard something, (obviously).

But I also think that what on its own is rude.

Oh, my mum does this ALL the time... deliberately undermining me, making the children naughty and overexcited, giving them things when I have said no... You have to pick your battles. Stick fast on the things that are really important and tell your mum off in front of the children and let the other things slide or make her take the consequences of her own behaviour....

Recently my mum had my two, who were 2 and 4 at the time, under the table in a restaurant giggling, crawling around and tickling people's knees, her (55 a doctor with an MBE) and my sister (24 and also a doctor) were under there too and they were tickling my 84 year old grandma's knees - much to her embarrassment.

This is after I had repeatedly told them they needed to sit nicely and eat their food (all of them). The children are VERY good in restaurants usually, everyone was looking. I said very loudly "Right I wash my hands of this situation 'bad granny'! Just remember that I will bear this behaviour in mind when choosing your care home and when you all finally emerge you can try and calm them down! Good luck with that!"

It's not the end of the world, the children always strop at me about wanting to go and live with granny when they are cross with me - which is annoying but they seem to able to adapt between being badly behaved with 'Bad Granny' and well-behaved with us. I think it is something to do with giving her the 'bad granny' label! The children think it's hilarious and I think it's a good way to express that her behaviour is naughty!

Gosh,I must be a boring old fart, but I´d be mortified at that, curiosity.

I think I would have walked out.

diddl - I grew up with my mum though... she's like this all the time... I would have been more upset if it wasn't an Indian restaurant that we, and she, go to all the time. They all know her and, for some unknown reason, appreciate her insanity.

She wore a chainmail bikini and tartan skirt with plastic axe and ginger wig to be Boudicca at a fancy dress party recently, I wasn't there. When I was in year 6 I came home crying one day shouting "WHY CAN"T YOU JUST WEAR BEIGE LIKE ALL THE OTHER MUMS?!?!" I am used to her...

Has anybody seen the episode of 'that Mitchell and Webb look' that was on over the weekend where the little lad actually dies of embarrassment over his awful parents? That felt familiar... My dad attacks holly in the garden with chainsaw, standing atop a mountain of wobbling chairs whilst wearing speedos and those grandad ankle slippers... this behvaiour begins in February and normally abates around November when it gets too cold... he also wears socks, sandals and shorts all year and we always got stopped in airports because he has a big beard and looked like Gerry Adams during the 'troubles' and now apparently looks like he might be a muslim terrorist now...

sigh

Don't worry. Soon your DC's will be teenagers and will have to be bribed heavily to breathe the same air as Granny-Gung-Ho.

AnnVan, I'm really hoping someone did say something to her that night (because we left shortly after the incident), I thought I noticed a slight change in her yesterday when she was here. I'll find out sure enough! Thing is, not many people in the family feel comfortable to confront my mum, everyone's a bit scared of her!

I know he should be saying yes, but at 2 "what?" is more correct than pardon! and yet she always pulls me up when I'm teaching him the wrong thing!!

It´s a difficult one.

TBH, I sometimes wonder why people call someones name & expect them to answer.

If I call someones name, I usually pause to give them time to "tune in", and then carry on with what I wanted to say.

yes, exactly. I considered whst i'd do if dh called my name, just turn to face him, or say "What is it?"

Well if someone calls my name, I always say "yes?". But weirdly enough, even though I've never ever said pardon in response to my name, my ds will respond with "pardon me?" and has done for the last year. Everyone thinks it's so adorable but I just shrug my shoulders, can't think where he got it from or why he is continuing to say it when no-one else does.

DS says "beep beep" instead of excuse me - no one believes we haven't taught him it

Lol i love the quote "The irony of it is, when I was a child, she would have thought nothing of giving me a slap for such behaviour!!!" because its was true for me when i was a kid.I was bleetingon at my mum the other day about MIL constantly picking DD up when shes asleep (DD is 5 weeks old) and Mum said "you should always let a sleeping baby sleep not pick them up....But i think its perfectly fine for me to pick DD up when shes asleep!"......AHHHHHHHHHHH!