Wise women of Mumsnet help me to decide whether to write a mild letter of complaint or not bother

[RedChrysanth]

I have namechanged as, if I do complain, I don't want to be traced through this thread.

We were at a theme park yesterday and the DCs were on an activity where they have to be shown what to do first, without parents present.

When they had done their thing and we were walking away, DS1 (9) said:

"By the way, when we were shouting, we didn't mean Daddy."

I didn't know what he meant so asked him.

He said "The ladies got us to shout out XX STINKS because of that man who'd been annoying them" (XX being DH's name as well, conincidentally.)

I said "What man?" thinking WTF and he pointed to a normal late-teens-early-twenties, nice-looking young man who was working on the activity.

Obviously I immediately knew what had happened. They are young, and there's flirting and banter going on and as part of this "office joking" the girls decided to get the kids to chant something mildly offensive to tease the guy. I am happy that he thought it all a good laugh.

However I felt quite uncomfortable that my DCs and others are being encouraged to chant something insulting en masse to someone whose feelings they know nothing about. If they did the same at school to another child it would probably be classed as bullying and land them in deep water. Which is not of course as serious as the feelings of the poor little victim. One of DS1's friends has already been bullied and DS1 says the bullies said he smelled .

Of course I will explain to the DCs that grown ups tease each other in funny ways and that they weren't really being horrible to the man, and they had better not do that, etc.

But I wondered whether I should write a mild letter asking those in charge to 'have a word' asking the young staff to not rope the children into their teasing, as they just don't get it.

Am now hoping you'll all tell me to get over myself so I don't have to bother my arse to actually write in .

I think a 9 year old is old enough to start to understand these shades.

I agree with that

Over-reaction.

Oh I fully intend to make sure now that my DCs know the difference between banter and bullying.

I do feel slightly concerned that I only have the opportunity to do this because one of my DCs mentioned, and that was for the single reason that the person in question had the same name as DH, so DS was worried he'd think they were chanting about him.

SGBrass, I know exactly what you mean, that I want my DCs to get it right. DS1 already has said "I was bullied today" when actually what happened was someone was not very nice to him. I have always been at pains to assure him that someone not being nice to you is not the same as bullying, that bullying is sustained and usually involves some degree of "ganging up." And yesterday has made me realise that it is yet again more complex.

I am glad the consensus is that I am OTT, saves me the bother of doing anything. But even if I had decided to complain, it would have been nothing to do with my DCs, I still intend to have a word and remind them of the difference between "malice and banter."

Although why do I feel a bit teary when I remember my friend's DS, tripped up into the mud, soaked through, miserable and humiliated. And his teacher telling my friend that it "was all done in fun" ?

RedChrysanth: Actually I do understand what you mean about authority figures sometimes dismissing nasty behaviour as 'just good fun' or (in the case of racist/homophobic/tasteless 'jokes') something the upset victim should just stop fussing about.
I think the difference in this case was it sounds goodhumoured all round and the target was joining in on the joke, and I think that's probably what's crucial.

I'd leave it. Not worth making a fuss about. "Mild" letters of complaint can still lead to official warnings, being called it to see manager etc. Unless I think someone needs disciplining over something I don't bother with things that I just think could have been handled better, unless I mention it to the person concerned at the time.

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i bet your ds jnows far more severe insults

I think there is no such thing as a "mild" letter of complaint. You are either fired up because you are annoyed, and you are determined to complain, or it's not worth bothering with. Save yourself the stamp!

There is always jocular banter of this sort between young 'red-coat' type workers, in my experience

YABU

I think it's very odd complaining would even occur to you.

They were "responsible adults" but also young people being personal first and professional second. Don't expect them to become a "sorry, but that's the rules" person so early and for so little.