to want to lock H out of the house?

[Workallday]

He's not DH because I am too mad...

He's opted for a generous redundancy package so he can 'find himself'. Against my wishes too. He's been spending the days faffing about, playing golf, generally lying around doing nothing.

Take today for instance. I was up at 7.30 after a really rough night with DD. Got DD ready for nursery, dropped her off, went to work, worked all day, got home, house is a tip and H is nowhere in sight. So I clean the house, tidy, do the dishes, load up the washing machine, fold the laundry, vacuum the floors and clean the toilet (which he has left in a disgusting state). Make dinner. Then I go and pick up DD, give her dinner, pop her in to watch TV for a while when I sit down with a cuppa. I am shattered!

H has been in town all day wandering around. He just now calls me up to tell me that he is meeting up with his mates in town to play DARTS and will be home late and could I leave his dinner in the oven!!!!

AIBU to lock him out of the house???

I am sorry to say this about him, but I just can't trust him full time with DD... when we first decided I would go back to work, we agreed that he would stay home one day of the week and I would stay 2 days, so we could only put DD in 2 days a week. We both work flexi-hours so this would have been possible. But guess who stayed home all three days? That's the eventual reason we decided DD goes in to nursery full time. I do earn enough to pay all the bills and we are in the fortunate position of owning our house outright, so no mortgage or rent to pay.

When I do get a rare lie-in, I wake up to find the kitchen and house a mess, DD still in jammies, breakfast stuff all over, DDs night nappy still on and she's sitting in front of the TV, and H was sitting at the computer playing a bloody game... its not worth the hassle for me for him to be a SAHD. If he was more reliable it would have been an ideal situation but he's just not. He's 39, behaves like he's 20!

Today in a way ahs been a tipping point, I am shattered, I have been up half of last night and worked like a crazy loon to finish up a deadline, I just want to relax when I get home and not have to pull another shift iyswim. DD has now been bathed, read to and put to bed, something I end up doing all the bleeding time. Its a shame coz he's a nice person in general, and can be kind and generous, but I am beginning to feel very resentful of all the work I do. It makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. I mean, its 8.30 now, and all I want to do is go to sleep. How sad is that?

I am just so angry!

schedule

a
b
c
d

or fuck off and leave

OK, think of it this way. Does his charm (and presumable shaggability) please you enough to make it worth you keeping him as a kind of exotic pet? Can you afford to do this? If not, you've basically got to give him an ultimatum you're prepared to stick to: he shapes up or he leaves.
The other option would be: stop doing anything for him; don't feed him or wash his laundry and definitely no sex (Are you having sex? I would not be AT ALL surprised if you have completely gone off the idea). However this does tend to lead to a poisonous resentful atmosphere in the home, better to make him shape up or ship out.

Wants to be a carpenter does he, well he can work out how to take the front door off to get then tonight can't he.
Perhaps he does have a plan though but hasn't told you

at idea of H as "exotic pet"

od seriously think to myself - no financuial debts - wel then - "oi dh. fuck off you lazy cunt!"

Well, he came in about midnight I think, was drifting in and out of sleep as was so tired. Left a note for him basically saying what I did in my original post, with the addition that we would have a talk today, as I was feeling like he was nowhere committed to our life together, and it was time he grew up etc.

Woke with DD this morning, and he's still not up despite me making loads of noise, TV blaring. I think he's hiding.

SGB, what sex? Most days its a wonder I have enough energy to eat, let alone have sex! And yeah, he's getting an ultimatum today, he either decides to shape up or he's going to gte shipped out for a while. I even have a list of things I expect him to have do around the house. I think I've put up with enough already!

i'm really sorry to say this but you're totally enabling him not to do any housework at all and it sounds like you always have - you say you put in a double shift when you were both working, why??? you certainly shouldn't be doing so now. it sounds like he's got low house standards and you've got high ones (leaving DD and childcare out here, just talking about the house).

either you MAKE him do 50% at least of the housework or you get a cleaner (you say you've got no money worries).

you're doing the classic woman thing of coming in, seeing it not as you like it and sorting it for him. when i see DP has left the kitchen a tip i tell him that it's a tip and refuse to go in there till it's sorted, there's NO WAY i'd do it for him.

for DD that's another matter, you can't compromise on the standard of her care.

WAD: I thought that no sex was probably more likely than him being such a magnificent shag that you forgive him his uselessness in all other departments, predominantly because men who are as lazy and selfish as he sounds are generally lazy and selfish about sex (ie it's all about getting him off).
Men who behave with this sense of entitlement (he is the man in the house so is therefore excused all domestic work and childcare apart from perhaps the enjoyable bits now and again) stand only the remotest chance of getting away with it if they are high wage earners - even then, contributing financially doesn't make them the owners of the other family members.
Your H doesn't seem to be contributing anything so it's not at all surprising you want rid.

Fluffles, we do have a cleaner. She comes in once a week and does floors, kitchen, bathroom etc. Its still a huge pain though when I come back and find things strewn about everywhere in the evening, dirty dishes in the sink and everything taken out but not put back.

I agree, I do have highish standards, my mum was an obsessive cleaner and I suppose I've got that from her... but I can excuse his mess if he at least attempted to clean up after himself.

He went on about how things would be different when he finished with his (admittedly, stressful) job, but its been a month now and nothing has changed. So yeah, its the final straw for me really.

Quick update, well, H finally came down at about 2, and I was waiting for him. Luckily it was DDs nap time, becuase we did have an almighty row. I told him he was being a twat and I wasn't willing to be his servant and if he wanted a mother he should move back to hers.

He didn't really say very much, which is unusual for him (probably had a hangover!!) but basically told me I should stop acting so hard done by, at which I practically exploded and ordered him out of the house. Told him to come back if he was ready to apologise and take his share of the responsibilty.

He came back about an hour ago, said he was sorry, and would I give him a chance. So anyways, I've told him I want him pulling his weight around the house, and I've given him a month to prove he's serious... I've told him in no uncertain words that I am well able to live without him, and if he wanted to be with me and DD its my rules from now on, reasonable ones, but I've had it with his laziness!!

Feeling a bit stressed at the moment, as I am a doormat most of the time...and I've never confronted him like this before. The upside is that he's done the dishes and put DD to bed.

Wow! Good for you workallday! Sounds like he actually lisetened to you.

Sorry you're feeling stressed but you have definitely done the right thing. And he obviously still wants to make it work because he's putting the effort in tonight. Just make sure you don't let him slip back into his old ways.

Hi. Glad he has seen some light and has done some things. Probably was so shocked at your changing tack with him.

I had been about to suggest something and wonder whether you might think about this for the future, since in my experience such situations are not sorted out by one row. Not when habits of oh-she'll-do-it are so ingrained.

Instead of screaming, it might actually help to cry. Please hear me out (not just workallday, but everyone else).

1. Although anger can feel reeeeally good (why else are we reading AIBU?), it feels best when the other person responds by being sorry or by backing down. It feels worst when the other person shouts back and frustrates you EVEN MORE.

2. Crying is an emotional release (and whether you want to do it in front of H or not, it might help to have a cry anyway).

3. It is a new response, which he won't have got used to, and he might actually have a genuine reaction, rather than the hardened "oh, stop nagging" that we all know and hate.

4. It reveals just how terribly tired and frustrated and lonely you are. Why conceal this from him? He needs to see how affected you are. It might get through.

Please no-one think I am suggesting crocodile tears for a bit of drama and emotional manipulation. I just think the crying might make workallday feel physically better, and it might change the dialogue. Workallday, you have made an impact this time, but if he backslides, please do consider this means of showing how much you are affected. Of course, I shan't be offended if this is wrong for you, but it's worth considering. Good luck!

WV: sorry but I think that's awful advice. Because it allows a wanky selfish man to think, aww, poor ickle wussy woman, I'll put the bins out just this once and she'll stop crying. Or, if he's a real tosser, he'll go, oh, trying to manipulate me with snivelling now are you?
Also, when you are justifiably angry with someone, crying doesn't feel like relief, it feels like you have lost the argument and the other perso is now going to patronize you indefinitely.

I expected this sort of reaction from some people, and would like to underline that I understand that crying is not a sole soloution. Certainly if it is fake crying, it does not work, either for the person crying or the other person.

However, I stand by the suggestion to think about different ways to get across how affected one is (any of us) by selfish behaviour.

And crying is not the reaction of a "poor ickle wussy woman"; it is the response of a human being who is tired, frustrated, lonely and has not been able to communicate this to the person who could alleviate all of these feelings.

SolidGhoulBrass - "if he's a real tosser, he'll go, oh, trying to manipulate me with snivelling now are you?". Well, his reaction to a real, human plea - for him not to be a wanker - shows what is what. Laughing at someone who has been driven to tears is not the reaction of a normal person.

I'm glad that anger has worked on this occasion, and I am quite in touch with my aggressive side, so I know how satisfying it can be(!), but I have also found that anger has its limitations; notably, it can start to be dismissed as "nagging" - and it is good to try to think about different ways to connect.

I am not expecting this suggestion to be for everyone, but it's worth keeping in mind as a starting point for different approaches to confronting an obnoxious "H".

Good luck, workallday!

Oh, no! Have I killed this thread? I'm sorry, workallday; I didn't meant to stop the support and advice coming in!

Good luck workallday...I'm rapidly approaching end of tether also for horribly similar reasons, though DH still working for now. How bloody naive was I not to realise that disillusionment with my "exotic pet" would be the major outcome of birth of dd? Or are we all in the same boat?