SIL and her poxy go-kart

[CaresMildly]

My husband works for his sister's company. He enjoys it and takes it seriously. He is grateful to his sister for this, and I was too.

A few months ago SIL and BIL started talking about getting into go-karting, they have a friend who does it and they wanted to have a go. All fine. DH mentions it to me, we have a snigger about them and their enthusiasms, and that was it afaik.

Then, round at their house one day for a coffee, SIL announces that they have bought DH's kart. I am but don't say anything. It turns out that SIL and BIL decided that BIL won't be doing the actual racing, they want my DH for that. This entails time at weekends to work on the poxy kart, as well as about 6 weekends through the summer away doing the races. Not that much you might say and I agree that 6 weekends away is not a huge amount BUT ...

• I can't go because DD is only 14 months and a race track is just not set up for her. I went with DH when he took his test and it was hell. DD wanting to run around but nowhere really suitable, dog had to be shut in the car because couldn't manage him and DD whilst DH was off driving.

• DH is in his 40s and has never shown any interest in karting before, so why is it suddenly so important that he'll miss out on time with me and our family?

• SIL went ahead and bought this fucking kart and a load of kit to go with it before actually getting DH's agreement, so now he feels honour-bound to do it because otherwise she has wasted her money (and I guess he feels that because she employs him he doesn't want to let her down).

• At work he is now in full charge of both SIL's companies which is great, but means longer hours in the office and knackered when he gets home. I am turning into a 1950s housewife clock-watching for him to get home and moaning if he is 5 mintues late.

Our marriage is turning into a joke - he nearly walked out last night and I wasn't inclined to stop him. My own work has been scaled back so I can look after DD most of the time - I do 2 mornings a week in the office. I feel unhappy about this as the 3 of them (DH, SIL and BIL) all have their grown-up world and I am left out entirely. I have no family of my own up here, so if there is a childcare crisis (which there has been this week) then I have no-one to fall back on. I have missed a deadline with my own work because DH is too busy with his work to help me out.

The first race is coming up next weekend and I am dreading the next week which will be arguing and sulks and silences. That will be me. I can't help it, I feel DH is rejecting me when I look forward to our weekends together so much. I also feel he is rejecting DD who also wants time with him, and that hurts even more. But most of all I am really hating SIL who should have had some thought before buying this poxy fucking go-kart in the first place. AIBU?

Some of the tracks are very set up for families though. There will be lots of young kids around

YANBU there is nothing wrong with having a hobby, as long as it doesn't detract too much from your time with your family,and your responsibilities to them. MIL's DP is terrible for this - he works in London so gets home late every evening. Friday he gets in then leaves straight away for boys brigade, Saturdays and Sundays are spent playing cricket or doing boy's brigade events. THere is no way I would put up with this at all. (they have a four yo dd, MIL is SAHM) I think it's incredibly selfish.

"must of".

Can´t believe I put that.
Meant "must have", of course.

Caresmildly, I do kind of understand that you are put out, but there may be an element of you either panicking or certainly not going about this whole thing the right way.

If DH is genuinely enjoying it, let him. We all know that mostly men have the attention span of a Gnat's Goldfish, so he'll possibly go off it soon enough... If he does really like it and you moan at him till he stops, you'll have his resentment to deal with.

You mentioned about it taking up 6 weekends in the summer, but that is 6 months away... your DC will be 2yo by then and a whole different kettle of fish.

Men don't like us pre-empting issues, it's best to let them go off a little then talk about what has actually happened.

TRY and support him, even if you think it is a daft thing to do, try and be involved, you'll get more brownie points for it long term.

If you dismiss it and sit there with your arms folded and a strop on, you'll just end up lookinglike a sourpuss, and that's not attractive. Give it a go, if it works, and you end up putting up with it for the sake of something your DH enjoys, So be it.

If it turns out that it really isn't easy for you to follow him, really not you kind of thing, then you can make arrangements to do other things. At least you will have tried.

Sulking and demanding immediate like for like days off and interests of your own will do more harm to your relationship/family than DH going off for a few weekends a year doing something he likes.

If in the future, you find a hobby you would like to have a go at, you are much more likely to get his support if you have gone the extra mile for him, without demanding things in return.

It's all about give and take over time, not swap shop.

Groundhogs, have you been preaching Surrendered Wifehood for long, or is this your first effort?

Ah yes Groundhogs. Put up with whatever unreasonable behaviour and selfish twattery your man comes out with, in case you look like a "sourpuss" or are not "attractive".

Oh but look - it's not 1522 after all!

I'm all for give and take in relationships and yes it helps to be flexible if your OH needs, or even wants, to be away for some reason - if you know he'd do you the same favour.

But there seems to be a lack of equality in your outlook. Because I don't see you fretting over the fact that what this man is doing - whether just through weakness or because he's an arse - is making him look like a selfish idiot and isn't doing much for his "attractiveness". Does that not matter then, because he has a penis?

You need to separate the issues:

1. You are feeling lonely and isolated. You don't have any back up with the children. Your DH has taken on more responsibility at work and this exacerbates the issue. Your own working life is on the backburner and you are not really happy about that.

1. Your DH has, perhaps despite himself, and perhaps under pressure from his sister (who is also his boss) agreed to become a go-cart driver, for his own and his sister's amusement. It takes a fairly big time commitment and leaves you holding the baby (literally) even more than before.

You need to sort out the first issue. Then perhaps the second won't be such a big deal.

Avenging and Bathtub OK, turn it around, if OP was wanting to have a hobby and DH was miserable and posting about it, would you be all saying the same?

It's all about taking a longer view, whenever any DH leaves the toilet seat up, it's the same old names shrieking Stone Him, Stone Him!

If a DH has to be kept on a leash, when it's finally let go, he'll just keep running. Likewise a DW, it's about trust and letting people explore themselves and have fun.

IMO OP seems frustrated, jeez who isn't, but my time will come, I'll get my time off, breaks, things for me to do, in time. And I dare say she is a lot younger than I am..

Life IS all about give and take. Our foremothers had better percentage chances of a sucessful marriage than is available to our generation. Why? because of tolerance and putting up with stuff SHORT TERM for the greater good.

It all evens out. We're not talking about abuse here, we're not talking cruelty, we are talking about a man working hard and playing hard.

OP could make an effort initially, to see if it's viable to go to, take DC to etc, some meets won't be, but some will.

It won't hurt to try and look at things differently, it may even help, OP may even have fun sharing in a new family hobby... You never know unless you try.

I'm not saying give in to everything, all I'm saying is take a wider view, have a try and see. The statistics tell me that to take a radical unforgiving and ranting view is painful for all parties and achieves nothing.

Also, there's more than one way of skinning a cat...

If OP goes to a few meets then, with proper knowledge of meets and experience, she can have an informed chat with DH and negotitate the time he spends doing this to a more manageable level.

Going in all guns blazing from the start will just make him dig his feet in, and be more determined to do it. Then OP will have a devil's own job to get him to limit it.

If you are clever, and plan your moves, you can get people to do what you would prefer them to do, but they think it's their choice.

Groundhog you do have a point about give and take and as I said I agree with that.

But the OP has given it a go, and found it family-unfriendly. It's been going on for a while and her DH just isn't listening to how she feels. He's being unreasonable, and when that happens it's not wrong to say so. I think it's a bit unfair to suggest she's "unforgiving and ranting".

Also I think one reason marriages used to last longer was because of the massive stigma of divorce and being a single mother, and the other difficulties involved eg financial. A lot of women just had to put up with abuse, affairs, drunkenness and unreasonable behaviour because they had no way of surviving otherwise.

And tbh if you're older and still waiting for your turn for your own needs to be indulged, you're not really making your suck-it-up approach sound all that tempting!

I simply just don't believe his story that this was all bought without him being asked.

What I DO think was they ALL (DH, BIL, SIL) wanted to "get into" the "Go Karting" scene, they discovered that he was by far the ebst driver, and the other 2 far preferred the "swanning abount, socialising" aspect of it...so they set up "Team Company" with them as the ownersand him as the driver after watching a tad too much F1 at the weekend.

I do think 6 weekends in the summer isn't that much - you don't have family near...then thats a fantastic excuse to spend those weekends visiting them as you'll have time to do it.

I do think you need to find something for yourself, even if thats just a hobby at home in the evenings because you seem to be waiting on him to provide "family time"..

But I simply don't believe this was all bought and he wasn't consulted at all. I think he just thought it wouldn;t be a problem and got carried away wth the "excitingnew hobby"

I'm an older Mummy, I had a life preDS, at the moment I'm SAHM, but it won't be forever.

Patience, bide your time and it'll be OK.

I'd suggest reviewing it after a set period of time. If it really hasn't improved, then OP needs to talk to DH, and the BIL/SIL about the impact this hobby of theirs is having on the family.

Most blokes get bored doing stuff after a short period of time anyway...

Is your SIL going to pay for his funeral and to raise his child when he gets killed doing this?

Put your foot down and tell him not to do it

I think 6 weekends away in one season plus preparation time is a lot, particularly for a hobby that the DH seems at best lukewarm about.

DH started doing cricket, but then we realised that the matches took all day, not just a few hours. DH said they didn't need to take as long, but seemed to be organised that way as the other players weren't concerned about how long they took.He suggested, not me, that he play a maximum of once a month. He mentioned one man who had left his family vacation 2 days early so he could play in a match. Frankly I'd be telling that chap to keep his luggage packed and move into a hotel until he got his priorities sorted out.

It is fine I believe to pander to DHs a bit, but I have noticed the more I do it, the more it is expected rather than appreciated and the more ranty and sarcastic I get. So I'm not entirely sure that softly, softly catchee monkey is the best approach here otherwise the OP will be giving out mixed messages to her DH.

Perhaps say what you would find acceptable, say 1 weekend a month, I mean it can't be absolutely necessary for him to go to every single flipping meeting.

6 weekends doesn´t sound that much thinking of it from a whole year, but depending on when exactly those6 weeks are, it could be everyone of the school summer holidays!

But I agree that he might be more keen about this than he is letting on.

How did it go this weekend,OP?

Went very well actually and H is definitely D again. He will do this coming weekend because it's a bit late to pull out now, but that will be it. He'll help SIL and BIL find another driver and/or sell the stuff but won't be doing it himself.

Whilst I agree that he's got the right to a hobby, to my mind there are some things that are fundamental to the marriage. And not disappearing and leaving me on my own for weekends at a time is one of those. So whilst DD is so young we will be spending weekends together as a family. So a good result all round I think.

BTW DH definitely did not fib about encouraging them to buy the kart. SIL is EXTREMELY forceful whilst DH is easy-going. Knowing both it is very easy to see how he ended up with all that stuff without ever actually saying he wanted it.

What he explained about how things got to this state was that he hoped I'd change my mind, hence not facing up that we had a serious problem earlier!

Yay, I am glad that you and your DH have sorted it out. Well done to your DH. How did your SIL take it?

I´m glad it all worked out.

But as you admit, he did want to do it,so it wasn´t all SIL!

If he had said no, he wouldn´t have ended up doing a test!