to think that my 13 year old DSD should not be drinking alcohol

[mumof2monsters]

My DSD who is 13 lives with her mother and other sister. When she and her sister come to stay if we are having a family celebration or bbq or a big sunday roast we may let her have a very small glass of champagne or a shandy.
However lately I have noticed on Facebook that she is putting comments about how she is hungover after spending the weekend with her older female cousin who regularly drinks.
When we do let her have a small drink she drinks it very quickly and quite often asks if she can have a drink.
DH saw her comment on Facebook and told her he was not happy about her drinking 6 alcoholic drinks and her answer was I am my own person!
DH spoke to her mother who said what is the problem she was with family and was having a meal. However DH ex was annoyed at DSD for putting such things on Facebook!
Personally I do not think a 13 year old girl should be drinking 6 alcholic drinks in one evening or at all if honest. She is a very slim girl and after that many drinks I am sure she would appear drunk.
Are we being unreasonable? We have decided not to let her have anything at our house as she seems to abuse the trust we placed in her. We have always let her try alcohol at our house so that she won't be curious and binge at a later date.

YANBU, that is worrying given all we know about binge drinking in young people (especially women)

It's possible she could have been exaggerating on her facebook page?

But then again, I started drinking alcohol with my mates at about 14 just to see what it was all about. I was from a respectable/'normal'/village family, and I'm not a raving alcoholic now. She sounds like she's pretty normal to me, but that's just my opnion.

But what they don't say PeedOff is that you can get drunk/experiment with alcohol and turn out a totally OK person and better for the experiences, hangovers and all.

That's from the teenage me though, and I'm not sure what I'd think when the time comes with my own DD (she's only 8 thankfully)

I think what you have to do here is establish whether or not she really had 6 drinks. Do you know for sure.

YANBU - It is hard to tackle though. If she lives with her mother then it is her mother's rules that she will be subject too much more than yours and your DH's. TBH at 13 I would be trying to sort it out with her mother. Adults shouldn't drink 6 alcoholic drinks in one evening never mind 13 year olds if we're being really strict!

It is a bit difficult to judge really, for a start, 6 drinks? Did the mum confirm that to be true? Next, alcoholic... well shandy from the shop is alcoholic, something like 0.05%, even a slim 13yo could probably manage a full bottle or two of that without being drunk, never mind hungover.

If your DH wants to pursue this then fair enough but it is very likely she is exageratting on facebook - it is also quite likely tht you will get a hostile reception from Mum, she has obviously made her own risk assessment and decided that whatever is happening is ok, your H going in and disagreeing (rightly or wrongly) will cause waves and it sounds like dsd will be siding with her mum against her dad.

WRT drinking with you, I am a bit unclear why you have stopped this... you say she has broken trust but that would imply that your rules carry over to her mothers house, which they clearly don't (and shouldn't). She has not broken your trust just applied by a more lenient set of rules when in someone elses care - did you really expect her to say "ooh no Mum, dad and SM say only one glass of wine/shandy"?

Wouldn't it be better if you contintued toshow her a more reasonable and responsible approach to drinking? If you stop her alltogether the only frame of reference she has is what her mother shows her, if you stick to your rules and continue to explain why she will have two experiences to draw from as she gets older giving her a better chance of making a choice that is better for her.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it, but come down hard about her going out etc. Without her mother's co-operation, though, you are on a hiding to nothing.

It sounds like she feels defensive and like she has to justify her parenting choices to you. If you want to stop the drinking, you are going to have to be much more collaborative and build a partnership with the ex where you don't come across as critical and judgemental- if you can do that, there is a chance you can clamp down.

YANBU at all Mumof2, imho. I have the same policy at home with DDs (14 and 12) - they can always try a sip of my drink and can have a small glass at social occasions such as family get-togethers, Xmas/Easter lunches and so on. Luckily I prefer red wine and neither DD likes the taste! Alcohol is not a taboo but by the same token it is not freely available to them and they have been taught about the horrible results as well as the risks, such as loss of judgement as well as long term damage caused by abuse.

Unfortunately as you are S/Mum and have a limited input (and might possibly be viewed as the enemy by mum, forgive me for saying it), there is little that you can do except stick to the rules in your house, especially if you have your own children and don't want to start a precedent or set a bad example and support your DH in guiding his DD.

All I can say is thank heavens you and your DH are united on the subject and that it isn't a bone of contention between you. I really do think that whatever your DSD does, if you think it is wrong and will set a bad example for your own DC if you allow it to be condoned, you are doing the right thing to speak out and should stick to that.

I must just add that I am far more liberal than my own Mum over alcohol and that I did the partying/gigging/boozing thing when I was a teenager albeit my later teenage years, and that the other posters are right in saying that your DSDs behaviouur isn't necessarily a bad omen, although I do understand how you feel.