to consider telling my DD(8) about peadophiles?

[thedolly]

How are we supposed to protect our children from the possibility of sexual abuse?

Would it help if they knew the facts?

I'm not talking about stranger danger because as we know abusers are often not strangers.

Is it enough to talk about modesty/privacy wrt 'private parts'?

I can't be the only one thinking about this atm, what are your ideas?

I don't see a problem with it. You don't have to go into graphic details.
We were always told not to talk to stangers when we were very young and there was that really creepy advert on tv. I'm going to tell dd to be careful of strangers as soon as she's old enough. I don't think I need to mention the term paedophile until she's older or asks.
I think age 8 is fine and will hopefully make your dd cautious.

Funnyname, but presumably the DC was asked to keep the interaction (grooming) a secret from family?

CTOFN

Are you saying that if a single mother invites another child into her house to play with her child on a playdate (NO other adults around), and then they have a dinner (OFFERS sweets) and then the child trips and she hugs them when she picks them up (little hugs), then she is grooming children?

DMNC - fair enough and your debate well put !

thedolly- some paedophiles will 'groom' children, buying them gifts for example and telling them not to tell their parents. This often occurs before any sexual contact takes place.

In this instance, knowing that no-one should ask you to keep secrets from your parents could avert further danger.

DD1 is 7.

We have had several conversations about the fact that no-one should touch her private parts, apart from her. They were triggered by revelations about the exploratory games she'd been playing with the next door neighbour's daughter (same age, so nothing sinister, but it seemed like a good opportunity).

We have also talked about how not everyone in the world is nice and sometimes people hurt children.

And I'm trying to introduce the concept that it's OK to have secrets, as long as it's nothing that mummy would be worried about if she knew. So, for e.g., she can have a secret box where she keeps her treasures, but if someone tells her a secret that she is unhappy about, she can tell me.

I'm hoping that's good enough.

I do remember that there was a young man down the road from us when I was a kid that my mum wouldn't let me go anywhere near because "he isn't nice to children". I was friends with his little sister, but wasn't allowed to go to their house. To this day, I have no idea what the situation was, but I don't remember being particularly upset or freaked out - just accepted that mum was normally right about stuff and I should listen to her!

Bit late on that one, sorry funnyname.

DMNC I think you need to say more than 'no one should go near your private parts' - that is not enough.

Also DMNC, I have no intention of scaring my child or engaging in a witch hunt .

Oh and yes, I know there are female paedophiles too - I do read the Daily Mail after all .

MillyR - no, I'm not quite saying that and I think you know that. If a single mother invites someone else's child around on a playdate - the "someone else" would presumably know and give permission for that. I would not, however, allow my children to enter another adult's house without asking my permission first - and I think if a child said to most adults, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed in without asking my parents - they would expect and appreciate that.

Living next door to a convicted paedophile, having had that paedophile groom my son (and no, he was not asked to keep it a secret) and having had CID surveillance on said paedophile carried out from my house (so much more I could go into), I do know quite a bit about the situation.

Also, I knew about the conviction some 6 months before any grooming started, did not start a witch hunt or anything (because quite frankly we didn't know all the facts at that time) and it was only once my child was approached that we contacted the police as felt sure the chap would have been breaching his licence/parole. Prior to this interaction, we had only told DC to not speak to that man as he wasn't nice to children. I found out because my son said, actually he is - he's not a bad man at all blah blah blah!!

I spoke to my DSs about private parts and secrets over a year ago (when they were 5 and 7). I have told them that people who hurt children are often very clever and that they must trust their gut feelings about whether something is right or wrong.

I have always been guided by questions they have asked, and tried not to go beyond what they are asking.

A book I would recommend is "Questions Children Ask" by Miriam Stoppard. It's been helpful to have around as it has suggestions for answers to a range of difficult questions, divided into different age ranges.

I don't think you are a loon for thinking about this dolly.

BTW, it's worth thinking about safety online. My DCs don't use the computer very much, but my DS2 (age 6) told me that in ICT at school they were told about not revealing facts about yourself online.

I sort of did this Summer and DS1 is 7. He likes to watch planes at mancester airport and was insistant about going to the mens loos, there were lots of older men there watching planes and I am sure they were all harmless, but I did not want him go to a urinal on his own, he tends to pull everything down rather than just pop his willy out.

I just told him that there are some men that are a bit nasty with little boys and it's better to be private with our privates.

He seemed to understand and was happy to wee in the ladies loo in a cubicle. Of course he can go to a mens loo with daddy, but we were on our own.

Jamie, I don't think she is a loon for thinking about it, as I said I am more than aware of the need for a balanced approach to teaching children about dangers - I think she is a loon for wanting to take an unbalanced and over the top approach to it.

As I have repeated many times I think it is important to think aboutit and to take steps to safegaurd children, including education I just don't believe in education a la Daily Mail.

And what is education a la Daily Mail?

Don't the Guardian/Telegraph/Times run articles on such issues?

You have made an assumption about me which is simply not correct. I am not a loon. You however are very coarse in your manner and whilst I appreciate your opinion it need not be delivered in such a way.

What I am is a concerned parent, much like yourself I'm sure, struggling with allowing our children more independence whilst teaching them how to stay safe.

Thanks for all the replies .

Sorry DailyMail no-where in her posts does dolly mention reacting to what she has read in newspapers - you made an assumption about her.

The issue does come up naturally - it came up for me when my son first started wanting to use public toilets by himself. The question I had to ask myself was :
Do I prevent him from going in public toilets himself ?(he was 8), due to a very small possibility that he might get flashed at or worse ? I decided to let him take a step towards independence and let him go by himself.

But, given the (very small) risk of him being falshed at or worse, I then decided to protect him by telling him to use a cubicle, to wait outside for him. Of course, being pretty clever , he asks me why I say these things ? I decided not to lie. He already knows about sex, because he has already asked me ALL about that, so I tell him that a small number of people have a sexual interest in children.

I really don't believe my son is scared or mistrustful of adults, just alert as a result.

That was meant to be flashed at, not falshed. No IDEA what that is ......

I have said that there are a very few strange people who like to touch private parts. The main thing I stressed was that if they were ever told they must keep it a secret or else some harm would come to them or DH and I, to ignore them and tell us as no harm would come to them.

tbh I have a bit of a problem even with telling children that noone must ever on any pretext touch their private parts. What happens if they need a medical examination? I did manage to include in my explanations that visits to the doctor (with Mummy or Daddy present) are expections. Which was just as well, as dd developed potentially serious bladder problems and at one stage even ended up in A&E.

Education a la daily mail is a reference to the kind of parenting where you over-react to risk and start of on the basis that peadophiles are round every corner just waiting for the opportunity to target your child. I have no interest whatsoever in what newspaper she reads, it is mearly a reference to her attitude, not her reading material.

It is horrific for the children and families who are targeted and it is becoming much more a subject that is spoken about and understood but the fact that it makes the news more does not mean there are suddenly untold leigons of them out there!

Yes things come up naturally, that is great. Jamie, what you have done with your son sounds perfect. What dolly is talking about is not, it is over-reacting and potentially damaging to her child.

Dolly, my manner may be "coarse" but, TBH I don't give a monkeys, my manner does not negate what I am saying and you may, indeed, not be a loon but your attitude to educating your daughter about this subject is looney.

seems very sad to load adult fears onto children but have to balance that with safety - very aposite discussion as my daugter came home today talking about a very friendly builder at her school. I had to have a frank conversation with her about the difference between people we know and people we dont; and just in case also told her to always tell me, or her dad, or her teacher if she felt uncomfortable about anything and never, ever , go off with anyone. Am now wondering if she understood but I cannot explain sexual weirdness to a five year old and do not want to make her scared. I'm sure this particular guy is ok but was slightly alarmed and I'm not one of the paedophile behind every corner brigade. I think this is an ongoing process and the main thing is we talk very openly as a family to each other. What would any one else say to a bright five year old?

Cory makes a good point. One of my DC needed to have their private parts touched (palpated) by different doctors, at the age of 9yo.

Also, when DS & another boy were 6, they were chasing a girl who fell over -- both boys then tried to tug her around, as part of the chase game. She marched off to tell her mother that both boys were trying to reach up her skirt, although that wasn't what it looked like to me at all. It seemed like paranoia on the girl's part. She was the eldest of many siblings but rough-housing between them was never allowed, so she didn't have a frame of reference for how that kind of touching could be innocent.

peanutbutterkid that's a sad story. Assuming she got her paranoia from her parents it's a real warning about going overboard on this.