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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this guy needs to get an effing grip

23 replies

daisymaybe · 06/10/2009 14:59

Disclaimer: I am not a mummy but I am a nanny which is why I started posting here. Please don't be cross.

The situation is this. Through a mutual friend I met this guy who is quite a bit older than me (I'm 22 - I reckon he's thirty or thereabouts) and who quickly developed a crush on me. I have absolutely zero romantic interest in him, completely not my type, no chemistry etc. So I decided to ignore it and just be normal-friendly, nothing special, when someone asks me if I'm "hooking up" with him. This freaks me out a bit since it means he's been talking about me with his friends in a way that suggests we might indeed be "hooking up", when I was pretty sure that I had done nothing indicate that possibility.

So I decided to put him straight - to be honest, I couldn't be bothered to be extra careful about what I said and did around him in case he thought it was a come on and I just wanted to make sure that he knew where he stood. I thought that way he could move on or whatever and it would be fairly painless.

DISASTER.

He is now saying that he can't trust his friends and he's going to "shed" some of them (I named no names, in fact I didn't even imply any of his friends), that he can't believe I took any of this at "face value" and should have given him a chance before condemning our relationship to mere friendship (he says that knowing whether to want to be "friends or lovers" comes with "time". Not in this case, darling. I just don't fancy you.) and that the best course of action would have been to "ignore" him. Maybe, but wouldn't he have been rather puzzled if I'd just started to ignore him? I just wanted to be up front so that he wouldn't get his hopes up. I know that when I like someone I see what I want to see - every little thing's a clue. I didn't want that hanging around my actions.

The worst thing is that I'm worried he really will get rid of a load of friends (apparently this was "the straw that broke the camels back"). I feel terrible.

I guess my question is, have I been a massive bitch? I wish now that I'd just left it alone but it's too late for that.

OP posts:

itsmeolord · 06/10/2009 15:02

You barely know him, what does it matter if he decides to fall out with some of his friends?

He sounds a bit odd.

Original poster

daisymaybe · 06/10/2009 15:04

Because they are also my friends and they might hate me.

That's shit and selfish I know but sadly true. (Also it would be sad for them and they're nice.)

OP posts:

corriefan · 06/10/2009 15:06

He's just embarrassed and disappointed. Well done for putting him straight, I used to get into lots of awkward situations by avoiding saying "I just don't fancy you" so as not to hurt feelings. his friendships are not your problem, don't let this emotional blackmail sway you. Looking back it was pretty annoying how men would get pissed off when their feelings weren't reciprocated, no matter how nicely it was done. Consider yourself off the hook!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/10/2009 15:07

He's a nutter, don't worry about him. There will always be some people who think you're a bitch and most people who won't; that's just how it is.

DuelingFANGo · 06/10/2009 15:09

no - you've not been a bitch. Clearly he HAD been talking about you in a romantic way to his friends and you have done the only thing you could which is be clear and blunt with him.

Don't let him make you feel bad, if anything I recon you should tell him again and not worry about him losing friends.

itsmeolord · 06/10/2009 15:15

Um, if they hate you because you have told someone that you are not interested in them then they are not particularly good friends.

You are overthinking this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2009 15:29

YANBU. But, given how he sounds, if he does start 'shedding' friends - will THEY care?

AMumInScotland · 06/10/2009 15:34

He needs to get a grip, and frankly if he thinks this is an issue he needs to "shed" friends over, then he's a weirdo. He shouldn't have talked about you to his friends in any way which made them think the two of you were going to hook up. If he'd told them he fancied you, well fair enough, but he's obviously gone overboard and made it all out to be far more than it is.

Well done telling him honestly how you feel, there's nothing bitchy about being honest, so long as you weren't nasty about him in the process.

ConFuschias · 06/10/2009 15:47

He definitely needs to get a grip. YANBU.

TrillianSlasher · 06/10/2009 15:52

Your (mutual) friends will presumably think 'what a freak' (about him, not you).

BiteOfFun · 06/10/2009 15:57

He sounds like he watches too much One Tree Hill.

TrillianSlasher · 06/10/2009 16:07

If he's 30 and watched One Tree Hill I think you're wise to stay away

BiteOfFun · 06/10/2009 16:10

Exactly Trill, too muck Hooking up/shedding type US teen drama cliches.

LoveBeingAMummy · 06/10/2009 16:10

He's managed to drag you inot his life now and is getting lots more attention. From now on take his advice and ignore him.

Firawla · 06/10/2009 16:12

yanbu he sounds a bit of a weirdo

starwhores · 06/10/2009 16:12

He's a rather odd stalker like weirdo.

AMumInScotland · 06/10/2009 16:17

Actually re-reading what you've said, I think more than ever that it was a very good thing that you've put him straight at an early stage.

He sounds rather a fantasist - he's built this up in his own mind into a "relationship" and believed that all he had to do was give you time to come to feel more strongly about him. And he feels hurt that you haven't "given him a chance", and over-dramatises how this affects his friendships.

Even now, he's managed to put you into a position where you feel guilty about your behaviour, despite the fact that you've done everything possible to be straightforward and honest.

He sounds like he's the kind of person who has the potential to suck people into his way of looking at the world, and make them doubt themselves - not a good person to get close to IMHO.

GibbonInARibbon · 06/10/2009 16:24

God I always attracted the psycho nutters, it was a running joke amongst my pals. don't feel bad, don't try and explain and slowly back away

bran · 06/10/2009 16:40

It's not for him to tell you how you should behave, don't feel that you should have done things differently because he says so. He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, always wanting an emotional scene where most people wouldn't. The best thing to do is be bland and ignore him. Try not to get sucked into conversations with your mutual friends about him, just shrug and change the subject.

bran · 06/10/2009 16:42

Can I also just have a quiet snigger at approx 8 years being "quite a bit older". Oh to be 22 again when I thought everyone over 30 was old.

Stripycat23 · 06/10/2009 17:03

I agree with AMumInScotland. Steer well clear of this one. Don't let him manipulate you or you'll find yourself involved with someone you don't fancy and soooo much more trouble. Keep on with the straight talking. Blunt and unsubtle. You're not being a bitch (no matter what he implies) -it's self-preservation.

AnnVan · 06/10/2009 17:11

ok to add to what the others have said: Whatever you do, don't try to be nice to him in order to soften the blow. This would definitely be a BAD IDEA. he sounds like he type who will distort any gesture you make. If you say 'hello how was your day' he'll make out you jumped him for a shag.

Original poster

daisymaybe · 06/10/2009 18:56

Thanks guys. Have just returned from a lovely afternoon's nannying (we made a hotel from a box! with tiny little paintings and everything!) and I feel much better.

From now on I will just ignore him, however much he provokes (the phrase "you started it" has been used) and remind myself that he is the one with issues, not me. A mutual friend pointed out that this guy smokes A LOT of pot, so that would be the paranoia issue.

He is American but sadly no Chad Michael Murray. Needless to say this situation would not have occurred if he were.

Phew. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

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