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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find life easier when dh away?

52 replies

ClaudiaSchiffer · 05/10/2009 22:35

Dh has just returned from a short business trip. Although we (me + 2 dds) love him and missed him, BY GOD it was easier when he was away.

We could just get on with it, no huffing and puffing from dh, no dh to whinge when the girls are having a tantrum (2 yr old). I could just deal with them without concerning myself with dh reaction.

I didn't have to fuss about cooking 2 sets of meals - I just ate with kids at tea time, or made myself something easy (gnocchi yum) once they'd gone to bed.

I didn't have to have the tv on all evening - I could read. Bliss.

To be honest we all had a lovely time.

I feel a bit guilty about it as I do love him, he's a good dad etc. It was just SOOOO much easier.

OP posts:
Alibooobaandthe40Phantoms · 06/10/2009 10:18

Trinity a spare room for the snoring is the key to a happy marriage IMVHO . My DH has been in there for the last 3 nights.

I am I the only person on here who hates it when her DH is away? Even if he is working late I miss him and look forward to him coming home.

BlueKangerooWonders · 06/10/2009 11:20

Ali - hating dh being away but finding it easier when he is - these aren't mutually exclusive!!!

fircone · 06/10/2009 11:35

I wish dh was either IN or OUT.

It's difficult when he rolls in (albeit from a long and hard day) at 9pm. The dcs bundle out of bed and down the stairs, I have to do another meal, anything I was watching on tv is interrupted, it all turns a bit chaotic.

SemperEadem · 06/10/2009 11:45

Ali - me too. I am a forces wife so should be used to it but even when he works late and doesn't get home till 10ish - I really miss him.

Our house just doesn't feel the same without every member of the family being in it - even the cat

If I didn't know better I would think I was preggers! Am really nesting and family orientated at the mo - wonder if it is sommat to do with the weather and cold nights?!

mumblechum · 06/10/2009 11:53

I enjoy the time alone too but must admit to sleeping with the light on so the monsters on the landing can't get me.

BlingLoving · 06/10/2009 12:03

I love it when DH is away. As long as it's not for too long. He's off for a friend's stag weekend in a couple of weeks - just one night - but I'm already fantasising about it and looking forward to it. [although I will definitely miss him on Sunday morning when I wake up]. He sometimes does evening work and I really enjoy those evenings just by myself.

In our case, we don't have DCs, but I think it's because I work long hours, do the whole crowded commuter thing and work in an office that's filled with people so having just a little time to myself sometimes where I can be 100% in control is lovely. I imagine that's why it's so fabulous when you do have DCs?

Remotew · 06/10/2009 12:10

I've heard lots of women say this. I can think of lots of reasons why I couldn't stand having a man living with me and that's why I'm single. Wouldn't mind having another income coming into the house though.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 06/10/2009 12:21

I love DH with all my heart. After years of immature fuck-wits messing with my head and heart I finally found myself a beautiful, funny, supportive lovely partner and I relish the time I spend with him.

However, he's a messy chaotic bugger, and when he's away I love sitting quietly, reading, eating what I want. I see apart time as time spent recharging our solitary souls for our time together. We are all individuals and we all need time alone sometimes.

Plus, absence makes the loins heart grow fonder.

marenmj · 06/10/2009 12:26

I thought I was the only one!

I spend the first two days of the week clearing the wake of destruction and dirty dishes behind DH over the weekend! He acts like cleaner-fairies follow him around.

And bedtime is SO much easier. DD LOVES her daddy and since he gets home around 8pm it takes her a good 2 hours to settle enough for bed. On days he gets home after 10 and she's already asleep, bedtime is always a breeze.

The house doesn't feel the same when he's gone, and I have a rough time sleeping without him, but boy is the rest of life ever easier.

Hoppity · 06/10/2009 12:38

YANBU
I find weekends SOOOO much more difficult than week days. Weekends we have DH to contend with. Weekdays we do our own thing.

Weekends: i have to cajole him to do anything with the kids. He will happily mow the lawn, clean the fish tank, do DIY - anything to be busy and not be involved with DC. He will make a quick sandwich and gobble it down 10 minutes before lunch or tea time, the exact time when I would like us all to sit down and have a family meal. So, he's then not hungry and DC are all after a sandwich rather than cottage pir or whatever. The days at the weekend DRAG because he would rather veg out at home, whereas in the week, we have tonnes of activities and the days fly by. Finally, when it comes to bath time, the one thing he is reallt supposed to be in charge of at the weekends, I have to ask about 19 times for him to run the bath, whilst DC run around half undressed, time runs on and he sits in front of the telly watching rugby. Arghhhhh.
I do love him, but I wish I could give him a kick up the arse when it comes to looking after kids. He really hasn't got it yet. Sigh.

YA so NBU.

diddl · 06/10/2009 12:39

TBH, OP, your husband sounds as if he´s contributing to your workload!

What on earth does he huff & puff about?

Why doesn´t he help deal with tantrums?

tootyflooty · 06/10/2009 12:52

my dh does his fair share (and more !!!) with the kids and around the house. I just find I am more organised when he is away, as I know it is all down to me, ie clearing up straight after meals, getting the kids sorted for bed earlier, it makes me feel very virtuous, I am definatly more slobby when he is home as I know he will do loads.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/10/2009 12:53

My dh is seldom away, when he is, dd always plans our meals and sleeps with me. She told me she thought I'd get lonely.

deaddei · 06/10/2009 13:22

Mine used to be away a lot, very rarely now. Used to love dcs and I all getting pjs on after tea and snuggling- i would often go to bed at 7.30 and read- bliss.
Nowadays he watches sport in one room and I sit and read in the other.

BigusBumus · 06/10/2009 20:52

Trinity I'm so sorry you picked up on my message and were somehow offended by it. I don't know you or your personal circumstances, but guess you have been widowed by your Husband being in the Forces? Forgive me if i'm not correct..?

I can absolutely appreciate, if this is the case, how you must feel. My own father was killed in 1982 (Falklands) when i was 10, and i know all about the life my mother had afterwards.

I am really sorry if my throwaway comments about liking solitude touched a nerve. x

TheMysticMasseuse · 06/10/2009 20:58

as of yesterday dh will be away every weeknight till christmas. I am completely dreading it tbh. i get where you're coming from OP, it's nice to have some me time, but it's bloody hard work when there's no- or little- respite from the constant demands of young children.

Original poster
ClaudiaSchiffer · 06/10/2009 23:29

Ah, so glad it's not just me then.

diddl, you're quite right you know, dh (god luv 'im) does indeed add to my work load. To be fair though he works blardy hard so probably enjoys a good huff and puff whilst at home and he is SHITE at dealing with yelling 2 yr olds. However he does have his good points so we will be keeping him. It was just rather splendid to have a couple of days off.

I suppose the thing is, is that living with someone is full of compromise and for a couple of days once in a while it is bloody fantastic not to have to compromise.

Hats off to you forces wives, must be tough going having to have months apart and then suddenly all back together again.

OP posts:
megapixels · 06/10/2009 23:56

I feel exactly the same way. I do miss him when he's been away a long time (like if it's a month or two) and wait eagerly for him, but a couple of weeks is fine with me, it's even something I look forward to on occasion .

I do wonder at some women who cry and wail about how much they miss their husbands when the dh leave on a two day business trip. I keep thinking they're either lying drama queens or barking mad.

hmc · 07/10/2009 00:04

Oh yes, I agree

And no conjugals. Has to be a bonus

Also, I can only sleep lying on my right hand side if dh is there, since if I turn the other way I get dh dragon breath...Great to have free reign over the bed and full range of movement!

But somehow, I relax more when he is around

Trinity - have seen your posts - yes we do appreciate them despite their shortcomings, you are so right to remind us of that ....

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 07/10/2009 10:05

hi sorry
I wasn't offended
just wanted others to stop and appreciate what they have got

he wasn't killed in the forces, he left the forces 3 years ago after 30 years serving in the royal navy

he was killed on the 24th of Aug in a road traffic accident

17 tonne truck into the drivers side of his van

killed him instantly, which is a comfort in a way

I didn't mean to bring down the thread

but even when he was here and went away I didn't really enjoy it
he helped out with the kids, didn't grumble, knew me, we laughed together, if I didn't want to cook, I didn't
he would or we would graze, we watched things together or took turns, companiable silences, great sex, silly moments, love and laughter

seriously
not rose tinted specs

I wouldn't have married him else

AngelaCarleen · 07/10/2009 10:23

My Dh is away in afghanistan, has been for four months (but he's home in 12 sleeps ).

I hate hate hate it when he's away. I miss him soooooo much (and we've been together for ten years). I hate having to do everything myself and sort everything myself. He's fab when he's home, cooks my dinner when I'm working and keeps the house tidy (I'm a naturally messy person ).

I can't wait for him to be back and start 'bothering' me again .

SolidGhoulBrass · 07/10/2009 10:27

I am so lucky never to have had to live with a partner, have always managed to avoid it. GOod luck to those it makes happy, but it wouldn't suit me in the least.

Chulita · 07/10/2009 10:30

I reckon it's easier when DH is around - he makes sure DD doesn't fall down the toilet while I cook, he washes up afterwards, he tidies up , he gets up at the weekend and puts the washing on, cuts the grass. When he's around I do housewifey things because I want the home to be something he can chill out in. He's in the forces and when he's on tour the house falls apart and I'm pretty miserable! I'm more of a mum than a housewife for sure.
Ok so he's more to deal with - can't stand DD's tantrums, doesn't have a clue what to feed her, snores/sings/tuts/sleep talks etc but life is easier with DH around because we just have so much fun together. [soppy cow emoticon]

Chulita · 07/10/2009 10:31

AngelaC - we count in sleeps too!!

poshtottie · 07/10/2009 11:28

My dh has been away 6 months. Due home on the 17th. Ds aged 3 has cried for his daddy everyday which has been very hard. He has no concept of time so saying daddy will be home in so many weeks doesn't console him.

On the positive side I have been able to afford to do all my shopping at Waitrose and watch what I like on the telly. I also seem to lose weight when he's not around as I drink less.